the world may be tiny but the heart's enormous
by Ruan Chun Xian
Summary: Her given name was An Ran, though her life never really managed to live up to the peacefulness that the name implied. (Or the one where Yong Qi's mother lives, but not in the way that you might think.)
1. Part I

**_The world may be tiny but the heart's enormous_**

* * *

Her given name was An Ran, though her life never really managed to live up to the peacefulness that the name implied. (Or the one where Yong Qi's mother lives, but not in the way that you might think.)

* * *

You believed in your own story,  
then climbed inside it—  
a turquoise flower.  
You gazed past ailing trees,  
past crumbling walls and rusty railings.  
Your least gesture beckoned a constellation  
of wild vetch, grasshoppers, and stars  
to sweep you into immaculate distances.

The heart may be tiny  
but the world's enormous.

And the people in turn believe—  
in pine trees after rain,  
ten thousand tiny suns, a mulberry branch  
bent over water like a fishing-rod,  
a cloud tangled in the tail of a kite.  
Shaking off dust, in silver voices  
ten thousand memories sing from your dream.

The world may be tiny  
but the heart's enormous.

- Fairy Tales by Shu Ting

* * *

**Part I**

When Yong Qi was eight, something happened that would change his life forever.

Officially, on record, that was the year his mother died of pneumonia.

Reality, on the other hand, was anything but as simple as those records made them out to be.

* * *

The year An Ran's son turned eight, her father was caught up in a conspiracy in the political court, accused of treason and was sentenced to death.

The saga of her father's loss of favour with the emperor had been ongoing for months, and for all those months, An Ran found herself strung tight like a fiddle string. She tried to hide it from Yong Qi – the child could hardly understand – but she was never entirely sure her attempt was successful. Yong Qi would often be too perceptive for any of their own good. Her stress and worry was not only for her father but fear of what fates she and her son would suffer should the emperor turn his wrath on them. It didn't help that Yu Fei – as she was then – never enjoyed even the emperor's fickle illusions of love, and only rose through the ranks when Yong Qi was born, she had little leverage to allow her to speak on her father's behalf to the emperor.

Yong Qi was precocious, it was true, and Huang Shang had always loved him more than An Ran ever dared to hope for, but it still didn't mean that she could totally assure herself that her son's status in his father's eyes could stand stable when faced with this storm. She wished she could be sure that Huang Shang would not let the disaster disadvantage his own son in any way, but what reassurance could there be in the tumultuous imperial court? These were the days when the war between Kang Xi's nine princes, and the fall from grace of Hong Shi, Yong Zheng's third son, were still all vivid recent memories.

Yong Qi, for his part, remembered the day when the death sentence had come. His mother had ushered him out of the room when her sister-in-law came to break the news, but Yong Qi could still listen through the crack at the door. His mother had let out a cry of despair before flying out the door and running towards Qian Qing Gong, where the emperor was. Despite the maids and the nanny trying to hold him back, he followed her, and found her kneeling in front of Qian Qing Gong in the midday sun, begging to speak to the emperor who refused to see her. He came forth and knelt with her, despite her efforts to stop him, and the servants' attempt to pull him back home.

Though Yong Qi, then, did not entirely understand the circumstances behind his mother's distress – too much political intrigue and complications hid there for his eight-year-old mind – he was aware enough to realise that his mother was truly terrified, and that his father's cold treatment of her then and afterwards had little to do with her. The emperor was simply taking his rage and frustration at Yong Qi's grandfather out on his mother.

Perhaps if An Ran had meekly sat back and accepted the emperor's sentence, and only mourn in private, she could have kept her position and went on with her silent life, day after day, unnoticed. Huang Shang would not visit her again, but at least she would always have Yong Qi, and as long as Yong Qi lived, she would have protection. Lao Fo Ye was also fond of her, which would also mean that her life was never at stake, even if Lao Fo Ye could not protect her father – for that was a matter of state, and even Lao Fo Ye could not interfere there.

But she was a daughter, and could not watch idly to the side as her father was executed without attempting to beg the emperor to change his mind. When the dragon's rage first turned to Yu Fei, who truthfully had done nothing wrong other than showing a daughter's love, she was demoted down to a mere guiren.

An Ran came to realise – though hardly for the first time – that the emperor truly held very little love for her. She always knew it, of course, that it was only duty that gave her Yong Qi at all. But it never failed to break her heart when his coldness towards her manifested itself in acts like this.

Now, she was alone. Her father was dead, what was left of her family was exiled. The only reason she still lived was because Heaven once held her in enough favour to give her a son. Yet she could not help the fear that, one day, it would not be enough. Yes, she had something like a position because of her child, but it was also very possible that her own low position and lack of favour could, one day, in turn, bring calamity to this child she loved so much and tried so hard to protect. For while Yong Qi was at her side, every time Huang Shang saw him, he would be reminded of her, of her family. And the emperor was a man who learnt holding grudges at his father's knees – and Yong Zheng was the master of it.

So she came to the emperor with a proposition.

"Huang Shang, I would like to beg you to grant me a favour."

Even kneeling on the floor, eyes on her knees, An Ran could feel Huang Shang's dubious look. She had little right to ask for favours now.

"I would like to retire myself to a convent to worship the Buddha, to pray for the soul of my father and hope that one day all that he did wrong and the debts he owed will be repaid, allowing him to be set free. I do not dare to ask for Huang Shang's forgiveness, but only wish to beg for a chance to bring myself some peace of mind, and I cannot get that when I live in such luxury while my father died a traitor's death."

Of course, many of these words were what the emperor would want to hear. If there was ever time to keep her feelings and views of the matter to herself, it was now. An Ran knew her father died more as pawn in the political game men played, and while the emperor perhaps thought him guilty, the reality could never truly be boiled down to such black and white judgement.

"You wish to leave the palace? You realise I will have to strip away your title and you can never come back?"

"Yes, I understand," she said, bracing her entire body in order to make her voice not waver.

"And Yong Qi?" Huang Shang's voice was almost gentle as he spoke their son's name.

An Ran had to take a moment to get a grip on herself. She clenched her fist in her lap and fell back on her heels, closing her eyes, willing herself not to let tears fall.

_It is for his own good, _she told herself. He would suffer more with her as his mother.

"I will trust him to Huang Shang's safekeeping," she whispered. "_Please." _

At this last word, she looked up at Huang Shang through a haze of tears.

She knew they both understood the desperation behind that one last word. It would tell Huang Shang the very reason why she was leaving. So that he would never have to lay his eyes on her again – the wife he never wanted. He would then be free of her, and be freer to love Yong Qi with an untainted heart like their child deserved.

The word was a plea for Huang Shang to look at Yong Qi and see only the child, and not the mother. It didn't matter who brought him into the world, Yong Qi was too precious and she could not allow her existence to destroy his future. Even if it meant that she would have to leave him, to lose him.

"Very well, if that is your wish," Huang Shang finally answered.

An Ran took a deep breath and touched her head to the ground, murmuring her thanks.

Now, she just had to tell Yong Qi about it.

* * *

"Please don't go," Yong Qi said, clinging to her. "Why do you have to go? Er Niang, please stay with me."

He was crying and so was she, but An Ran could do nothing other than hugging him tightly. "I'm sorry, my love, I know it's hard, I know you don't understand. But you will, one day. And perhaps, one day, when you are grown, you will be able to visit me. But for now, know that I love you very, very, very much."

"But _why_? Why must you go away?" he asked, his eyes wide and full of tears, looking up at her.

"Huang Shang wishes it so, dearest," she said.

In a way, it was true. He just didn't express the wish out loud out of consideration for Yong Qi and Lao Fo Ye. An Ran merely guessed it and granted him his wish.

"But why does Huang Ah Ma wish for you to go away? I need you, Er Niang, I don't want you to go," Yong Qi cried.

"Ling Niang Niang will take care of you," An Ran could only whisper, kissing his forehead. "You must be good for her and for Huang Ah Ma."

Huang Shang had recently promoted Ling Pin to Ling Fei, and told her after she was gone, Yong Qi would be put to her care. An Ran was relieved, because both the promotion and the trust of Yong Qi's care showed that Huang Shang favoured Ling Fei greatly.

The young consort was yet without a child, inexperienced, and would not be anyone else's first choice to raise a child, especially one who would suffer such a loss as Yong Qi. However she had always been kind and respectful to An Ran, despite the fact that she got this from hardly anyone else, because the whole inner court knew she enjoyed little love from Huang Shang. Ling Fei, therefore, would be one of the few who would treat Yong Qi with kindness. If she managed to keep Huang Shang's good graces for a long while, Yong Qi would benefit from it too.

"I don't want Ling Niang Niang, I want you!" Yong Qi said stubbornly.

An Ran choked back tears and held him even tighter. She could say nothing else now but apologies and whispered words of love.

Her poor child! She wished there was another way, but for his safety, for his future, she could not find another way.

In the end, Yong Qi more or less had to be pried away from her, though Heaven knew it was breaking her heart to tear herself away from him as well.

"I love you, Yong Qi, never forget that," she choked through sobs, kissing his hand as the eunuchs grabbed him by his middle to stop him from launching back into her arms again. "Remember to be good for Huang Ah Ma, all right?"

"Er Niang! No, please don't go, Er Niang!"

As the eunuchs took Yong Qi away, An Ran was sure his tearful face and anguished cries would follow her for the rest of her life.

"Forgive me, my child," she whispered, only when he was no longer close enough to hear her.

* * *

Yong Qi knelt in front of Qian Qing Gong for three hours the next day, but his father did not give the orders to call his mother back.

He did, however, come out himself and sink down to Yong Qi's level, wiping away the sweat and tears from the child's face with his own handkerchief and said gently, "Go home, Yong Qi."

Yong Qi would not have obeyed, but by then, he was too exhausted to fight the eunuchs who were ordered to carry him back to Ling Fei Niang Niang's Yan Xi Gong. (It was not home.)

As he lay passed out on the bed, Ling Fei wiped at his brow gently, and said to her sister, "Poor child."

"Yes, and poor Yu Fei, too," her sister whispered – because she was Yu Fei no longer, and such sentiments could only now be whispered. "Perhaps it is for the best, though."

Ling Fei could not think of anything to say to that. She wasn't sure putting Yong Qi through this could ever be called for the best. It was definitely worse than if Yu Fei had actually died. At least if she actually died, Yong Qi would have closure, and for Yong Qi's sake, his mother would be afforded a proper funeral as befitted the mother of a prince. Yu Fei's pretend funeral (for the story was that she died) was more or less a show – and not ever a very good one at that.

She could only hope the whole ordeal would not permanently destroy the child's spirit, especially when she knew that no matter what happened between him and Yu Fei, Huang Shang still loved Yong Qi dearly. She could only pray that Yong Qi won't ever doubt that.

"Has he been…difficult?" her sister whispered.

"No," she said wearily. "I wish he was. He has every right to be. But mostly he just cries, and then tries not to, because of, you know, the stupid notion that they are all taught that princes do not cry."

Her sister nodded. "Well, if you need advice, or someone to talk to, or anything at all, let me know, all right?"

"Yes, thank you, Sister."

"I must get home, and let Er Tai know Wu Ah Ge is all right. He's been worried, you know."

"You should take Er Tai in the next time you come. It will be good for Wu Ah Ge, to have the friend and the distraction."

"Of course."

* * *

_A/N: Let's not tempt fate by commenting much on my sudden bursts of inspiration, but just be glad that suddenly I stayed up an entire night writing 7,000 words… _

_In case it wasn't clear, my Yu Fei is **categorically not** the Yu Fei of the remake, who I really…really…dislike, both how she's executed as a character and as a person. _


	2. Part II

**Part II**

Yong Qi was sixteen before he saw his mother again.

In the eight years hence, his relationship with his father could only be described as _rocky. _

At sixteen, he no longer lived with Ling Fei and was now on his own at Jing Yang Gong. Sometimes he wondered whether his father kept him in the palace still because giving him his own place outside would allow him too much freedom to go seek out his mother.

He wasn't sure what reaction he would get when he asked Huang Ah Ma permission to visit his mother when in the last eight years, Huang Ah Ma more or less pretended that she never existed. Just as his father never spoke her, Yong Qi never brought the subject of her up with him either, because it would only invite pain and anger, neither of which he particularly wished to feel.

He wished he could understand it, sometimes, how Huang Ah Ma could love him and be so unfeeling towards his mother, whom he had once held in his arms. Granted, Yong Qi understood none of it was quite ever voluntary. It was useless to deceive himself on that. Yet his father was not a cruel man, so how was it that he could spare so little compassion for Yong Qi's mother?

Or was this just Huang Ah Ma's way of coping? Perhaps the denial was the only way Huang Ah Ma could keep away any kinder thoughts of his mother, which in turn might invite guilt.

Yong Qi truly didn't know. He only knew that, by now, he had waited long enough for the wound (What wound? When was Huang Ah Ma ever hurt?) to heal. Even if he got a slap out of his request, he must make it.

But Huang Ah Ma simply stared at Yong Qi with an unreadable expression, and Yong Qi found himself staring back. Then, finally, with a heavy sigh, his father said, "Very well."

Yong Qi wasn't sure what he would have done had his father said no.

* * *

She was not like other nuns.

For one thing, she was allowed to keep her hair, though bound up and hidden inside a shapeless grey cap, while living at the convent. Her life was quiet and, if not for the constant ache of missing Yong Qi, she would even call it serene.

She lived in a little cottage on the grounds of the convent with Xin Yu, who had been her maid from even before her marriage. Xin Yu was not her servant now, of course, not when she had entered the threshold of the Buddha, but was more a companion, who stayed with her out of loyalty and love. The nuns in the convent were kind to her. She and Xin Yu helped them in the day to day chores. There were some children – orphans – being raised in the convent who occupied most of her time and she helped the nuns teach them lessons and take care of them. More often than not, they make her think of her child, though he would hardly be a child any longer now.

* * *

He appeared in front of her door alone, one autumn day.

She was sitting on a boulder, washing clothes and Xin Yu was going to fetch more water from the river nearby. At the sounds of footsteps behind her, she said without turning around, "Xin Yu, will you get the bedclothes from inside?"

The voice that answered her, however, was not the one she expected.

"Er Niang."

The words and the quivering voice which was now unfamiliar to her, nearly made her heart stop. She froze, and for a long moment, dared not turn around, dared not hope, dared not breathe –

He took the few steps that remained between them. She watched as he approached her, seeing only the hem of his robes and his shoes, until he fell down on his knees to the cold earthy ground before her, crying again, "_Er Niang_!"

An Ran still felt robbed of breath, and her eyes were blurring with tears already, so that she trusted the sight in front of her even less. She could not speak, she could not think, she could not do anything but stare through tears at him, hungrily taking in the wondrous sight before her.

Oh Heaven, could it be true? Was this her son, the child she loved and missed and prayed for all these years? How he had grown, how beautiful he looked before her now, but how it ached and hurt that she had missed his life all these years…In the blink of an eye, he was no longer the child that she once kissed goodbye, but the young man that knelt before her now…

Tears were spilling down his cheeks too as he grasped her hands tightly, looking like he never intended to let go.

"Er Niang!"

It was as if he had suppressed these words all those years, and they were the only words he could speak now.

"_Yong Qi_," she whispered reverently, finally, his name sweet on her lips, but strange, because in all these years, she never dared to speak it much, because it would only break her heart afresh. "My son!"

She brought a shaky hand up and traced his face, trying to convince herself that he was real, and to memorise the sight before her in case he should disappear any minute.

"You found me," she whispered, still not quite believing that he was before her. "Oh dearest, you are here, you found me."

"Er Niang," he whispered, looking down at her other hand, still clutched in his. "Your hands are cold."

She gave a tearful chuckle and withdrew her hand from his face. Of course they were, being soaked in wash water for half the morning.

"I am sorry, dearest – "

"No," he said quickly, grabbing the hand she just pulled away. "I don't mean – please don't – "

His voice broke; he swallowed visibly and tried to gather himself for a moment, while she could only gaze at him still in wonder. He was here, he was before her, so why couldn't she still quite believe it?

"I meant," he said softly, pained, "you've suffered so much and I have never been able to do anything for you. I have been so unfilial, taking advantage of the palace while you – "

He looked around at the wilderness of where she lived now, at the tiny cottage that seemed to sink into the background of the grey mountain edge behind it, and the sparse amenities that was obvious even from where they were. His face twisted in pain as he took in her current condition and fresh tears have fallen by the time he turned his eyes to her again. "I'm sorry," he said, choked, bowing his head down onto their clasped hands. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

Her heart broke at the sight of him like this. She knew if they were ever to be reunited, it would hardly be giddy and carefree, but the fact that her situation hurt him also hurt her. But the fact that he came, that he was here and he hurt for her was still, at the same time, more comfort than anything in the last eight years could ever bring her. He did not forget her, he loved her still, and she did not think she was ever more grateful for anything.

She reached out and pulled him into her embrace like she once did when he was still a child and let him rest his head on her shoulder. "Do not weep for me, Yong Qi, dearest. Any suffering I had to go through is all worth it to see you here, safe and sound and well."

He raised his head and she reached up to brush the tears away from his cheeks. "Yong Qi," she whispered the beloved name again. "How glad I am to see you."

* * *

They stayed like that, savouring in each other's presence, neither truly believing it, until the scene was interrupted by a gasp that signaled the return to Xin Yu.

An Ran turned and Yong Qi raised his head, and they both looked at her. Xin Yu slowly set down the pail of water and whispered, disbelieving, "Wu Ah Ge?"

Yong Qi nodded and stood up, in the process helping An Ran stand up as well. She gladly leaned into him.

He approached Xin Yu and said solemnly, "Xin Yu Gugu, you have helped me take care of my mother all these years, no word can describe my gratitude and I cannot thank you enough for all that you've done."

He made to kneel to Xin Yu too, but she gasped in shock and entered into a complicated maneuver where she tried to leap out of the way and tugged him up to his feet at the same time. "Wu Ah Ge, you must not, you _cannot. _I did only what I should."

Though Yong Qi could not convince Xin Yu to accept his kowtow, in the end, she did accept his gratitude.

After that, he stayed with An Ran the whole day. There was much to be said, and much more to be felt. It was the happiest day ever since she last saw him, even if much of it was still tinged with sadness and sorrow – his, mostly, when he saw the conditions she lived it. None of it bothered her any longer, but it was uncomfortable for him to see the life she now lived.

"_Please _let me take you away from here," he insisted for the tenth time when they sat down to lunch.

(Xin Yu had tried to apologise to him for the sparse meal but he just stared at her like she'd grown another head before waving the concern away.)

"I am fine here, Yong Qi," An Ran said again.

"No you are not. I cannot bear the thought of you suffering like this while I live in the palace," he said earnestly. "Please, Er Niang, I can take you away now, set you up in an actual house, perhaps in the city, where you will be more comfortable. _Please." _

"Oh, my child, none of this is any hardship now that you are here. And I find the life here very peaceful. You must not think I am unhappy here, dearest."

"But you don't have to – "

"Yes I do," she cut him off. "This is what I told your – your father I would do. And I will do it."

Her voice quivered at the mention of _him; _even now, no matter how she tried, it still hurt to think of him and his…indifference (or whatever it was). She noticed that Yong Qi's eyes had clouded over in – anger?

"Er Niang, whatever of your father's crime that you think you were atoning by being here I am sure has been atoned for a thousand times over in the last eight years. You can't imprison yourself here for the rest of your life! Huang Ah Ma – Huang Ah Ma would not care either way, I am sure."

The end was said in the bitterest of voices. An Ran found herself batting back immediate panic.

"Don't – please don't speak of your father that way – "

"Why not? He has never treated your right. The older I get, the more I understand, the more I see it!"

An Ran close her eyes. Regardless of what went on between her and the emperor, Yong Qi should not feel this. It was too dangerous.

She was sure that Huang Shang was capable of love for his children, but that didn't mean that they weren't also tools in the greater scheme of things, either. An emperor's love for his child might be more endurable than that he bestowed on his women, but there was no guarantee that it could be the all-encompassing love that would forgive all and be unconditional. Yong Qi could not possibly let his feelings regarding the matter concerning her affect how he approached Huang Shang. For even the emperor children must seek to please him, to pander to him and hope he looked upon them with favour, and criticising him with such attitude would be the least effective way to achieve that.

"Darling, please, it does not matter to me how he treats me. I have accepted a long time ago. You must not allow it to affect your duties to him."

Yong Qi closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, but said nothing.

"He _is_ good to you, isn't he?" An Ran pressed, desperate. To her, he looked well-cared for, but that did not always mean anything. The battle and troubles in the palace were more often emotional ones rather than physical.

_Please, let Huang Shang treat her boy right. Please let him not neglect their child._ It was prayer that An Ran had repeated to herself ever since she last saw Huang Shang, it was the only thing that she had ever truly asked of him. Surely he would heed it, for Yong Qi's sake, if not for hers?

"Yes," Yong Qi finally admitted. "He does care for me very much."

An Ran let out a sigh of relief. Perhaps she should not have worried. Yong Qi was here, wasn't he? Surely that meant he had permission…and if Huang Shang could grant him this, perhaps things were not so very bad?

"That doesn't make up for the suffering you endure now and I cannot turn a blind eye to that, Er Niang!"

"You can, and you must," An Ran said. "He is your father and you owe him that much."

The stubborn and defiant look on his face both pained and worried her, because it was enough to tell her, as little as she might know him, that this resentment that he was expressing was not merely spurred on only by her presence. Likely he had kept these feelings to himself for a long time, and only now thought he could express it. Perhaps he thought that she would echo those sentiments.

The thing was, she probably _could_ echo them, if she allowed herself to sink deep enough into the despair and the self-pity. If she had spent the last eight years dwelling on what _his _wrongs against her, her life would have been reduced to that of a bitter woman living in the past long before now. Perhaps in some ways, in her darkest hours, that was what she expected of her life when she left the palace too. But here, in this convent, it was the nuns and their teachings that taught her the most valuable, yet simple, lesson of all: to let go of what could be let go, to not hold on to things one could not change, instead of letting it fester and rot away your life and your heart. And Huang Shang's heart was had never been something An Ran ever had a hold of, so she could not hold on to it even if she wished to.

"Yong Qi, it matters not what happens between your father and I," she said, taking his hand. "My only wish is that you are safe and secure. You cannot do that by antagonising your father."

"I cannot be insolent to his face," Yong Qi grudgingly confessed. "But that does not mean I forget or could possibly accept what he has done to you, Er Niang."

He did not understand, she thought. Perhaps it would not be possible for anyone to understand unless they lived the life that she did. That was the crucial point, though: good or ill, Huang Shang had never truly done anything _for _her or _to _her. She was just _there, _a burden to him, until she understood enough to remove herself.

"He has done nothing to me that I didn't do to myself," she said wearily.

"But why?" he asked, the pain in his voice enough to break her heart afresh. "Why must you do this to yourself?"

"Some women's fortunes are made by their sons, but just like that, some men's fortunes or fall can come from their mothers as well. I will never be able to help you on your journey to a bright future, Yong Qi, and the least I could do then is not hinder you."

"I would give up _anything_, _everything_ to have you back," he cried. "Don't you see that?"

Both his tone and the desperation in his eyes told her this wasn't some to be said to appease her. He truly meant this. Such sentiment, for other women, perhaps was something natural, something they could take for granted. But for An Ran, it was more precious than anything life had ever given her, or could ever give her.

Oh, her wonderful child, how she loved him for saying this! She had feared, growing up in the arms of another woman, he would slowly begin to forget her, and that his vision of her would be coloured by that of his father, or that of the women around him. He was not young enough then to forget her, but he was still young enough to be trained and taught to forget that he ever loved her. That had always been her greatest fear, even if she always told herself, it was a fear that she would gladly let come to pass if it meant that he would be safe and happy.

Yet it didn't come to pass, and he was before her now, with such declaration of loyalty and love. She hardly dared to believe it, and she thought her heart would burst with the happiness of such a statement, though she knew behind those words must mean that all these years, the emotional burden he carried would have been even that much greater.

Despite it all, she could not help but think, however, that he had grown into such a young man that she was immensely proud of, even now, having just known him again for half a day.

"I will take the sentiment, my love, and treasure it always. But you cannot sacrifice your future that way."

"I don't care! I don't want the fortune or titles or wealth – "

"Yet you can't not want the duty," she said, cutting him midsentence.

The sentiment once said was precious to her, and was enough to warm her heart. It did not bear repeating, however, because it did not change the fact that she left so that he could be given his best chance at that fortune, at those titles and that wealth. She did not wish it for him for the gratuitous sake of wealth, but for the knowledge that his future would be as secure as could be. Perhaps it was selfish and materialistic still, but what was the alternative, when the court and the palace itself was such a very materialistic place?

"Your responsibility to Huang Shang is greater than me, especially when your father has so few sons living past childhood."

"So in the process I must abandon my duties to you?"

"You will do all your duties to me, Yong Qi, dearest, when you do your duties to your father," she said softly.

"But that doesn't explain why you have to stay here," he said still stubbornly.

"I enjoy the life here, Yong Qi. It is peaceful and calming. I do not mind it."

He looked around the place dubiously. An Ran knew he would not understand that sometimes, physical hardship does not necessarily mean it is an unhappy or undesirable life. She could not expect him to understand this, not now, not when he had grown up in the pampering arms of the palace. And truthfully, she did not wish to spend this precious day, the first time she'd been able to see him in years, arguing about this, either.

"Must we talk about this?" she asked. "I truly do not have anything to complain about my lot now that you have come to see me. Please can we talk about you? You have no idea how much I've missed you over the years, the only one I regret leaving all those years. Ling Fei Niang Niang has been treating you well, isn't she?"

"Yes, she has, but Er Niang, she would never be you…"


	3. Interlude: Ling Fei

**_Interlude, or the progression of Ling Fei and Yong Qi's relationship_**

_A little history note: Yong Qi was born in 1741, this is 1749. Ling Fei came into the palace in 1745. Xiao Xian Huang Hou died in 1748, but Qian Long did not instate a new empress at once, and waited until the mourning period was over. In the meantime, Lady Ulanara (the empress in HZGG) was promoted to Xian Huang Gui Fei and basically was acting as empress anyway. This first part basically takes place in this bubble of time._

_(Because this is not really a chapter - though it's long enough to be one - and I just wrote another 5k today, you are getting this early :D.)_

* * *

**Before: Yong Qi**

Ling Fei looked at the little boy sitting quietly in the middle of her chambers and a thousand different feelings assaulted her.

She didn't know what to do with a child – a boy, at that – especially one who had just lost his mother in possibly one of the most traumatic and scarring ways. She wondered what on earth about her told Huang Shang it was a good idea to entrust the care of this child to her.

She was twenty-two! She was not ready to have to have this child suddenly appear in her life as if by magic, without any sort of preparation! If it were her own child, then at least she would have had the time to learn, to know of his quirks, likes and dislikes and habits. A baby would have had to depend on her first and would not know any better, and they would grow into their roles of mother and child together.

What was she to do with a boy who was mourning his mother who wasn't even dead? How could Huang Shang even expect Yong Qi to accept her when she would be, in many ways, reminder of everything that was ever wrong between his parents?

The child was innocent, and Huang Shang, though his treatment of his mother did now show it, did love him, and so would she. She knew she would never be able to forsake this child who had lost enough – too much, really, for a child to bear. Still, that didn't mean she automatically knew how she should go about treating him nicely now in a way that would not break his already fragile, self-constructed bubble that was meant to keep him from further hurt.

Ling Fei felt a keen regret now for Xiao Xian Huang Hou's untimely death, only over a year previous. She would have liked the guidance from the kind lady now. Indeed, she did not realise how much she depended on the older woman for advice and protection ever since she entered the palace four years ago. It was from the late Empress that she learnt the wisdom of always treating the woman around her with the grace and respect that their positions demanded, no matter how her heart broke. It was from her that Ling Fei realised the benefits of knowing your place and accepting that if it were meant to be yours, it would come, with time, and fighting for it or against it won't ever benefit you in any way.

Though, she supposed, if Xiao Xian Huang Hou were alive, likely Yong Qi would be put to her care, and he would be far better off in that case. Xiao Xian would have known how to comfort him and take care of him more than Ling Fei ever could. Indeed, if she were alive, Yu Fei would never have felt desperate enough to leave Yong Qi at all. The Empress would have known how to advise Huang Shang to look on Yu Fei with more kindness, regardless of what her father supposedly had done. A loving wife could often move his heart in ways that even his mother could not. With her support, Yu Fei would never have been left vulnerable enough to feel so much despair.

Xian Huang Gui Fei was not Xiao Xian Huang Hou. Though she had the support of Lao Fo Ye, Ling Fei knew she never felt secure in her position, even now, when it was clear to everyone that it was only a matter of time before she occupied the seat at Kun Ning Gong. Yet even Huang Gui Fei had started out as a second wife, too, and she would always have the mentality that she had to compete for that highest seat, and she would therefore never think that it was in her interest to support a woman who already gave birth to a prince when she was still childless.

Even more, Ling Fei regretted not asking her sister to come in to support her today. She had known Yong Qi would be brought to her that day, but she had – foolishly – thought that she might take the first day for both her and Yong Qi to warm up to each other, and any advice on childrearing her sister could give could wait until the next day.

Now, Yong Qi did not remotely look like he wished to look at her, let alone smile or even just talk.

The tragic thing was, she couldn't blame the poor child. She was even surprised he was not throwing a bigger tantrum about it all. The fact that he just sat there silently unnerved and scared her even more than if he was screaming and shouting and demanding his mother back. At least then that would seem like _logical _reactions from a child of eight years.

Instead, he sat with tears in his eyes, running down his cheek, which he then swiftly brushed away, gritting his teeth to stop the sobs from becoming audible.

_This was not normal, _she thought.

She could not help her heart aching for him, looking so lost and afraid, at the same time trying to put on a brave face. Of course it was not working. He was _eight. _

Instincts told her to hold him, hug him, tell him it was all right to cry, but she wasn't sure she could make the gesture, not knowing whether he would accept it. If he pushed her away – as would only be natural – it might put up a permanent wall between them that maybe she would never be able to break through. But then if he accepted her comfort, it would bring him even more pain because the only comfort he should get now should be from his mother.

She had never had to take this role – the one of the comforter, the protector. She was the youngest of her siblings, and was far more used to being held and protected than the other way around. For as long as she could remember, all her family members had usually all been older than her. Of course, she lived for a while before coming into the palace, with her sister, and had then helped her sister with her nephews. But Er Kang and Er Tai grew up in a loving home with parents who – well, loved each other. The worst hurt and disappointment she saw her nephews suffering was the fact that their father was too busy at work to personally oversee their martial arts lesson or tuck them into bed.

None of it prepared her in any way to even know how to begin approaching Yong Qi now.

For a moment, Ling Fei wondered, surely Huang Gui Fei was more suited to this role?

For all her prickliness, Huang Gui Fei had been a wife and consort for far longer than Ling Fei was, and had been exposed to children and the concept of motherhood before. And she was going to be promoted to be empress, as soon as the mourning period for Xiao Xian Huang Hou was over. Perhaps she was not of a nature to treat the child with a gentle hand, but shouldn't these kinds of things come more naturally to her and be part of her duties?

A tiny part of her told her that perhaps that _was _the reason Huang Shang put Yong Qi in her care. It was _because _Huang Gui Fei was soon to be empress, that perhaps the only reason Yong Qi was in _her _care was because Huang Shang wanted to give her some leverage. She would be adoptive mother to a prince, it would give her status in the greater court, and even Huang Gui Fei would have to make allowances for her.

_That _scared her too: this court, with its ever constant, ever present competition and challenges. She had risen in ranks too fast, _much_ too fast, and she feared one day she would crash and burn. As little as she wanted to, she could not help but partially fear the emperor who clearly was not above using his own child as a tool in this competition that, officially, he took no part in, but partially endorsed anyway. She feared for herself, but she also feared for this child who was now in her care, that he was simply being used as a pawn now, and would suffer a pawn's fate, regardless of the fact that that fate was what Yu Fei left to help him avoid.

* * *

**Now: Yong Yan**

After he was sure that Xiao Yan Zi would not run off without him any longer, Yong Qi went to visit Ling Fei.

"Niang Niang," he said softly, kneeling down by where she lay exhausted on the divan. She opened her eyes wearily but then smiled when she saw him.

"How is Xiao Yan Zi?" she asked, before he could even ask after her health. "She looked like she was going to do something extremely foolish as she left here."

Yong Qi sighed. "She was indignant on your behalf, certainly. She is angry at Huang Ah Ma, still…"

"I should not have worried her…"

"You cannot reproach yourself for your heartache nor Xiao Yan Zi for her anger at Huang Ah Ma. She would not be Xiao Yan Zi if she did not react that way, and truthfully, I cannot blame her for it," he said gently.

Looking at her now, he wondered, if Ling Fei, who had managed to keep Huang Ah Ma's heart and favour for so long, could have this day now, usurped by a prettier face, where would his own mother be, if she was still here? And if Ling Fei, knowing that part of Huang Ah Ma's heart would always be hers, could still feel such heartache, then what must had his mother gone through all the years before?

"What did she do?" Ling Fei asked, pulling him out of his thoughts. "I did ask her not to make a fuss."

"She is Xiao Yan Zi, making a fuss is sort of her forte," Yong Qi said with an affectionate smile. "You need not worry about Xiao Yan Zi, Niang Niang. She is only worried about your health, and so are we all. Certainly, I think her perfect image of Huang Ah Ma is no longer as before, but that would have come sooner or later."

"What happened?" she asked, concerned.

Yong Qi only shook his head. "Nothing that Xiao Yan Zi won't be able to get over, and nothing that you should worry about. And if I may say, Niang Niang, you have every right to protest when Huang Ah Ma neglects you in this condition."

She only gave him a weary smile. "Having the right and how sensible it is to exercise that right are two very different things, Yong Qi."

"Huang Ah Ma still has not come and see you yet today?" he asked.

She shook her head and Yong Qi had to fight to hold back reproachful thoughts towards his father. He would have thought, the fact that Huang Ah Ma reacted so harshly towards Xiao Yan Zi must mean that she managed to press some sore points, and sufficiently induced some guilt into him. Surely that meant that, as caught up as he might be towards Xiang Fei, he would have come?

"But you have come, and I thank you," she said, patting his arm. "You are good to me, I know, even if you do not need to be, anymore."

No more than she ever had reason to be good to him, he thought. But here she was and here they were.

"Niang Niang, I have every need to be filial to you, surely you know that," he said. "I don't think I could repay you for everything you've done for me, when _you _did not need to."

She gave him an affectionate smile.

He continued, "And you should not let this whole thing affect your health. I know Huang Ah Ma is…" For a long moment, he deliberated over the words. Then, starting again: "You have endured this similar situation before, and so you will again. I know it does not lessen the hurt, but you must not despair."

"I do not despair," she answered wearily. "Yet, anyway. But sometimes I think perhaps it is better to know I never enjoyed the happiness of his affection rather than to know it and then lose it."

He was sure his mother would not agree with this sentiment, but perhaps they were two rather distinctly different woes when one was married to the emperor. Knowing the pain his mother went through once (and possibly still) and seeing Ling Fei like she was now only reinforced his determination that he would never hurt Xiao Yan Zi like this.

"You have not lost it, Niang Niang," he said earnestly.

"Not completely, perhaps, but I cannot say I don't feel the threat from Bao Yue Lou. You know Huang Shang's habits as well I do, Yong Qi."

Yong Qi sighed, unsure of what to say to that. He did know, which was the only reason why he did not blame Xiang Fei more for Ling Fei's current condition.

In the moment when Ali He Zhou had offered his daughter up to Huang Ah Ma, he had been relieved that she was not intended for either him or Er Kang. Now, the relief made way for sorrow on Ling Fei's behalf. She did not deserve this. Then again, Xia Yu He never deserved the fate she got, either, and indeed, which of the women in this palace deserved the life they lived?

Ling Fei seemed to sense his unease, because she said, with a voice that was meant to be more uplifting, "You need not worry about me, Yong Qi. I do not fear for my status, and I know Huang Shang will not forsake me completely. I have you, after all, and this child."

He smiled and was touched that she had said this, sincerely. "I hope that even after Little Brother is born, you will still find me such comfort."

"You do not know that it is a boy yet," Ling Fei said. "But you will always be my comfort, Yong Qi, regardless."

* * *

When the Fifteenth Prince was born, Yong Qi came to Yan Xi Gong to congratulate Ling Fei, after the initial circus was gone.

The maid eased his newest brother into his arms while Ling Fei looked on, smiling.

"This does not change anything, you know," she told him.

Yong Qi smiled. "You told me that the last time."

The last time, of course, was when the Fourteenth Prince – Ling Fei's first son – was born. Unfortunately the child died of a fever just before his third birthday. But when he was born, Ling Fei had reassured him, then, too, that the appearance of a son of her own did not diminish her affections for him.

He didn't think he would have felt snubbed even if she did not say it, for Ling Fei was too kind to treat him any different just because she now no longer needed him to be her protection. (For he knew, for a long time, that was what he was, no matter how much true affection she had for him; the two concepts perhaps could not be mutually exclusive in the inner court.) Still, it was heartwarming to have her reassurance, despite the fact that by now, he should have outgrown the need for it.

"And now I say it again. In case you thought any different."

Yong Qi looked down at Yong Yan and could not help a small sigh. This was a child who was wanted – by both his parents – and loved. This was as it should be. Truthfully, Yong Qi did not wish things to be different for his brother.

"Yong Qi," Ling Fei called gently, seeming to catch on to his mood.

Yong Qi looked up at the woman who, for all purposes, raised him and cared for him through the darkest moments of his life and loved him, despite having no compulsion to do so. He was grateful to her, he truly was. But even she could not make up for everything. They both knew this, even if they never could say it.

"Your Huang Ah Ma loves you very much," she said.

"I know," he said, sighing, wishing it was only that simple.

Ling Fei understood that he did not wish to talk about it, however, and changed the subject. "Will you be there for him and protect him, Yong Qi, even when I am no longer there? I would only trust you on this."

"Niang Niang, why must you talk of things that will not happen for a long time yet?" Yong Qi said. "But you know, of course I will."

"You have always been good to the girls and I know Yong Yan will have much to learn from you, one day. I also hope…that any titles he holds in the future, if not bestowed on him by Huang Shang, then it will be granted by you."

Yong Qi looked up at Ling Fei abruptly, nearly fearing that he would drop the baby in his arms. He opened his mouth to protest, but Ling Fei shook her head.

"You know it is so, Yong Qi. Your father has many hopes for you."

Yong Qi was silent, because it was not something he particularly liked to think about. Truthfully, he had a hard enough time trying to reconcile himself to his father and all that his roles called for and demanded without imagining himself in that role.

"And you know it is what your mother made all her sacrifices for," Ling Fei went on. "At least, in this, they are in agreement."

"Hardly for the same reasons," Yong Qi said softly.

"Perhaps not, but Yong Qi, truthfully, I am with your mother here."

"You would not wish for Yong Yan – "

"Ten-thousand years is very unrealistic standards, Yong Qi," Ling Fei said wryly. "Huang Shang is no longer young, and Yong Yan is much too young for me to even think…Even if he were old enough, I would not fight for him at your expense, not when I know no matter which one of _my sons_ take the position, I will still reap all the same benefits. Though I hope by then your mother will agree to share in our glory too."

Yong Qi closed his eyes and sighed. It went without saying that he was extremely touched by Ling Fei's words. Suddenly having him dumped on her had never been easy for her, yet despite that, he knew that she had always treated him like her own child, even if the sentiment had never been said out loud before. Yong Qi knew it was not because Ling Fei did not wish to say it, but rather because she had always been careful to respect the boundaries he himself put up, even at that very young age, to protect his own image of his birth mother. As much as Yong Qi was grateful to Ling Fei for all that she had done, as much as he truly did love and respect her in turn, he had never managed to call her Er Niang. There had been moments when it seemed like he could, but then whenever he opened his mouth to say it, the words had never came.

What she said had been sufficiently thought-provoking, however. Yes, well, that was one reason to pursue the throne, he supposed. It was probably the only circumstance under which his mother might be persuaded to come out of her self-imposed exile.

To Ling Fei, he asked, "You would not mind – "

"Mind?" Ling Fei said, smiling. "Yong Qi, if anything, I must thank your mother for her trust and her loan of you all this time. I sometimes wonder if I would still be in this position now if you were not in my care all those years."

"Huang Ah Ma's love for you is due to you, hardly because of me, Niang Niang," he said. "If it was due to me, then my mother – " He trailed off.

"I am sorry, that was not what I meant," Ling Fei said, looking at him with worry.

"I know," he said sadly. Then, shaking his head and putting on a smile for Ling Fei's sake, he said, "Perhaps this is not what we should talk about, Niang Niang. I am happy for you, truly, and I am sure Yong Yan will grow up a worthy prince."

"And he will then be grateful for the guidance of his Fifth Brother."

* * *

**After: Yong Ji**

The sight of Yong Ji standing in the middle of her chambers brought an overwhelming sense of déjà vu. She had seen this sight once, over twelve years ago. But unlike Yong Qi's very disquieting stoicism all those years before, Yong Ji was sobbing his heart out.

She wished the reasons for the two children's suddenly appearance in her life weren't so overwhelmingly, alarmingly similar.

If she felt fear and panic when suddenly entrusted with responsibility for Yong Qi, she felt it ever more now, though clearly not for the same reason. She just managed to learn in the meantime to better control her expression of it.

Before she would have thought, after managing not to alienate Yong Qi totally, after managing to, at long last, painfully, establish a kind of rapport with Yong Qi, she would be ready and prepared for any difficult situations involving her own children and other women's children that this court could throw at her. Clearly she never thought a situation like this could arise.

Just like Yong Qi, Yong Ji's mother lived, but she was not conveniently hidden away. The Empress was not even confined to her palace. Yong Ji would have to encounter her day-to-day, in ceremonies and at events. Yet, if Huang Shang's attitude was any indication, he would not be allowed to acknowledge his birth mother at all.

If that wasn't breeding ground for resentment – against his father, against Ling Fei – she didn't know what was.

A child was not a puppet, she thought, to be commanded to do as adults willed, without emotions or thoughts for themselves. Not at this age, in any case.

Yong Ji wasn't Yong Qi, either. Though he was around the same age as Yong Qi was when he came to her, Yong Ji, so far, had a far less tumultuous life. As the son of an Empress, even one who, for a long while already, was not particularly favoured, he was afforded certain levity and position. He had known more privilege and been less exposed to emotional hardship than Yong Qi was at this age. (Of course, with princes, the lack of privilege was only relative, but the spectrum of relativity could stretch far and wide, indeed.)

Yong Ji was more innocent of pain than Yong Qi was, it seemed, and this first instruction to the world of emotional turmoil of life in the palace would likely scar him forever, but in a way that would not endear Ling Fei to him at all. To Yong Ji, Ling Fei was not his protector, his saviour at the loss of his mother, but the obstacle keeping him from his mother.

So, when Zi Wei and Qing Er came and successfully managed to convince Huang Shang to let Yong Ji go back to his own mother, it took all Ling Fei had to hold back a too obvious sigh of great relief. The load off her should was one thing, but at least this was taking off one more reason for Huang Hou to resent her, to see her as the enemy even more than she already did.

Yet at the same time, it seemed to invite the inevitable question from Yong Qi:

"Did you ever wish you could have sent me back the same way?"

She looked at him now, grown, and wondered for the thousandth time whether he had ever resented her place in his life. He would always miss his mother, she knew, even now, when he was freer to see her on a semi-regular basis. The fact that she now held the position that his mother should rightly hold, and her status was helped partially by him, should be enough reason for him to not be so cordial to her. Not more than duty dictated, in any case.

Surely every time he thought of Yu Fei, he would have to remember the stark contrast between the lives they lived now, and that his mother still suffered through no real fault of her own, while Ling Fei enjoyed more than her fair share of the luxury.

"For your sake, I wished it, but now with the same heart that I am now glad for Yong Ji," she said finally.

He gave her a sad smile and she was affronted again with the knowledge that his life had been more or less shaped by _the_ loss. Yet perhaps, that was why he fought so hard to Xiao Yan Zi now, for a marriage and a home life that would make him happy, instead of a negotiation for some greater good. And never had she felt he deserved it more than now.

Certainly, he had other things to depend on to make a place for himself at court, and needed not depend on his wife's family to help him. She couldn't be sure Yong Ji could say the same. Even through unbiased eyes, Yong Ji did not have the same acumen. Unlike Huang Shang, however, she did not say this to him, no matter how it would have meant to be a compliment.

What she told him when Yong Yan was born was true. She harboured little hope for Yong Yan and the throne, and if she had a preference, if she had hopes, it was for Yong Qi instead. Yong Qi would protect her as much as Yong Yan would, and would also ensure her other children were cared for. She knew this should not be the reason for her supporting him, nor would his debt to her even be the reason for Yong Qi to be good to her children. He would be good because that was in his nature, and perhaps that should be the indication of his worth for the throne.

She fully knew that, when the time came, he would do all he could for Yu Fei, but she also expected that way. If she could not believe that he would do his duties to his birth mother first, then she would have little hopes of what he would do for her. And she comforted herself with the knowledge that she had raised a prince who, regardless whether it was for mere obligation or real affection, or a combination of both, was loving and kind to her, as well, and was one who could she depend on.

As much as perhaps it was counting chickens before they hatched, Ling Fei believed that nonetheless.

* * *

_A/N: This is about the lightest as this fic is getting so far...it's just more depressing from here on out, to be honest. I didn't intend it to be this angst-filled. But I am going to fit it in with the rest of what happened in the series so the plan is still a positive-ish ending. I think. Anyway, if you have any thoughts about this fic, I'd like to hear them, because this possibility has been in my head for a long while. The remake somehow simultaneously makes me want to write about it and to forget the idea altogether. Guess I chose the first option... _


	4. Part III

**Part III**

Yong Qi would visit her often after that, as often as he could get away from the palace. An Ran never asked what Huang Shang thought of his constant visits, though he surely must know. Yong Qi never talked about his father much again either, perhaps because he was afraid to bring her pain, because eventually he came to reluctantly accept that as much as he wished to, there was nothing he could change about her current situation. An Ran wished he did not think so much of it, for over the years, she had made peace with it, thinking of him rarely brought her pain any longer. Now, the more she got to know her son again, the more she felt grateful to both Huang Shang and Ling Fei for bringing him up to be the kind, intelligent, valiant and temperate young prince that he was. For all his faults, Huang Shang had been a good father to her son.

Yong Qi did not initiate many conversations about Ling Fei either, but in the brief times he did speak of her, it was clear that he held her in great affection and esteem, and that she had been kind to him in turn. If she allowed herself, An Ran could choose to feel jealous that he could give that kind of love to another woman, one who, unfairly, got to see An Ran's son grow up and shaped who he was today. Yet the jealousy would always give way to the stronger relief that, at least, he had someone to care for him and protect him when she could not.

Occasionally, especially when he got older and his position in both the court and his father's esteem rose even more – much to her relief - he would still attempt to convince her to talk to his father about reinstating her, or at least, getting her out of her current residence, but she would not hear of it. Even if Yong Qi were to set up a place for her to live outside the palace yet still away from here, the news of it would have to reach the emperor at some point, and she wasn't sure she wished to push him into that potential conflict with his father.

* * *

There came a stretch of time when his visits became more sporadic, unpredictable, and every time he came, there seemed to be things weighing on his mind. She tried to ask him about it, but he just said he did not wish to worry her, and that it was trivial anyway. She tried not to worry, but it was clear that there were things he was not telling her.

Yet at the same time, despite the things that apparently bothered him, he also seemed happier, more light-hearted, somehow, and that persuaded her to believe that perhaps whatever it was that he wasn't telling her might not be too bad, after all.

Before, he came mostly to see her, but then he became interested in the orphans that were raised in the convent and would spend time helping her teach them lessons and playing with them. She wondered whether there was a reason for the sudden interest and posed questions that were, at first, vague, then later more pointed on the subject of marriage. His answers were even more vague, to the point that she found herself worrying, because surely, by this age, Huang Shang must have an idea of a match for him?

She did not dare hope that his bride would ever be his choice, she only hoped that it would be someone who would care for him, and he could care for in return. When she put her hopes to him, he only gave a far-off smile and told her that she should not worry. She wasn't sure how to take that, because if he knew – if there was something definite – surely he would have told her by now?

* * *

To hear his father speak of Xia Yu He, and when he met Zi Wei, Yong Qi found himself first feeling envious of this new sister.

For all that Huang Ah Ma managed to forget about Xia Yu He, now that she was brought back into his life in the form of her daughter, he spoke of the woman with affection and regret.

If Yong Qi brought up his mother to his father now, he thought he would only be lucky to get the regret.

No, he should not even try to compare Xia Yu He to his mother. It was two totally different situations, totally _not relevant, _and Zi Wei was to blame for neither. In many ways he was more fortunate than her. He always had a status and legitimacy, while life for Zi Wei would have been a thousand times more humiliating. He could not take his frustration with Huang Ah Ma out on Zi Wei when she surely did not deserve and likely suffered enough from Huang Ah Ma's vices already, even if she would not acknowledge it as such.

* * *

Yet perhaps the reason Yong Qi risked everything to help Xiao Yan Zi was because he understood what it was like to grow up without a complete family, to be so desperate to find a parent-figure.

Still, for a long time, Yong Qi did not tell Xiao Yan Zi about the fact that his mother, contrary to all records, still lived.

It wasn't for lack of openings. In fact, the chance to have the conversation was _right there _very early, when Xiao Yan Zi acted very relieved that Huang Hou was not his birth mother. Even if perhaps that was too early in their acquaintance (they didn't exactly have a relationship then), there were other chances too, later.

It wasn't even because he didn't want to tell Xiao Yan Zi, or wanted to hide the fact from her. It was just that…well, Xiao Yan Zi could be so careless with words, sometimes, as well as having a fierce moral high-ground. His mother's situation was likely something that she would probably have _opinions _ about and might actually be bold enough to put those opinions to Huang Ah Ma (this was the girl, who according to Ling Fei, once called Huang Ah Ma out to his face for abandoning Xia Yu He, after all).

Yong Qi would most likely share her opinions, but that was not the point. He understood, as Xiao Yan Zi refused to, that whether right or wrong, there are certain things that Huang Ah Ma would do and feel. There was nothing he nor anyone else could do to change it. If reality could not be changed, what was the use of revisiting the wound only to feel pain, pain which would only, at the end of the day, pull him away from Huang Ah Ma? Resentment at Huang Ah Ma existed and cropped up at odd moments, but it was not a feeling that Yong Qi enjoyed. Over the years, he had learnt to accept the situation as it was, but discussing and dissecting it was something he still wished to avoid. Such discussions only meant heartache and a distinctly uncomfortable conflict of loyalty – for both Yong Qi and Huang Ah Ma.

So while they were trying to keep both Xiao Yan Zi and Zi Wei on Huang Ah Ma's good side to allow for a smooth transition of the truth, it didn't seem like a good idea to give Xiao Yan Zi such a cause to anger him.

While all of this was going on, he didn't tell his mother the mess of identities he was caught up in, either. It seemed like one of those situations she had sacrificed her entire well-being for in order to help him avoid. Besides, it was not as if she could help him in this matter, and so what was the point of worrying her with what he was up to?

His mother's continued existence, however, seemed like one of those things that he should have told Xiao Yan Zi when they became engaged. Surely that was the point when…well, you introduced your fiancée to your mother? His father no longer could be an excuse, because it was simply something that Xiao Yan Zi should know. Just when he half-teased, half-warned Er Kang to tell Zi Wei about Qing Er, Er Kang also gave the same advice regarding Yong Qi's mother. Ling Fei also pointedly told him that it was time.

He wanted to do it properly, however, in a way that would put both their first impressions of each other in the best light. They were the two most important women in his life, and could not bear the thought of them not liking each other. So he had a whole elaborate plan of how to tell Xiao Yan Zi, including where and when – plans which kept being side-tracked and interrupted by _things _like weddings (Er Tai's, of course) and Hui Bin Lou.

And then Lao Fo Ye came back.

And oh, dear Heaven, did that put all his plans into disarray.

On the one hand, he wished to tell Xiao Yan Zi that not all maternal figures in his life would disapprove of her (Ling Fei already did not, but to Xiao Yan Zi, that was different) – because his mother would like Xiao Yan Zi, right? She must, once she saw how happy Xiao Yan Zi made him…_right_?

(In retrospect, perhaps it was this nagging question that always prevented him from telling Xiao Yan Zi…he couldn't bear it if his hopes turned out to be untrue.)

Yet on the other, after the disastrous meeting with Lao Fo Ye, Xiao Yan Zi was so worked up about it all that it didn't seem like the time to add to that stress by dropping the long-kept secret on her. Not to mention, by then, getting Xiao Yan Zi out of the palace was impossibly hard.

Then along came Han Xiang. Between Han Xiang and Lao Fo Ye, any hope of two days of peace and quiet in a row flew all out of the proverbial window.

* * *

After the whole ordeal of releasing Han Xiang, leaving was, perhaps, the most painful decision Yong Qi had ever made in his life.

Yes, there was the pain of leaving Huang Ah Ma, but that could not compare to how terrified Yong Qi felt at the prospect of leaving his mother – perhaps to Huang Ah Ma's caprice and mercy.

In his current fury, Yong Qi could not be sure that Huang Ah Ma would not let his anger reach his mother.

Therefore, nothing short of fear for Xiao Yan Zi's life could have persuade him to do what he was about to do.

(That he would risk this much even for Xiao Yan Zi in turn scared him even more, because he became distinctly aware then that there was no going back now that he had made this decision.)

(When Huang Ah Ma gave the orders to throw them into jail, Yong Qi wondered whether Ling Fei's attempt to beg his father to spare him by mentioning his mother tugged at any strings of his father's heart at all, or it had only been more reason for his continued anger at Yong Qi now.)

"You must leave, you cannot stay and hope to reason with Huang Shang in his anger," Ling Fei told him when he managed to get out of jail. "I will try to save Er Kang and the girls but you must be outside to finish what I cannot."

He looked at Ling Fei now and it occurred to him just how much of this she didn't have to do, but she was doing it all anyway, purely out of affection for Xiao Yan Zi and Zi Wei, yes, but just as much for him.

"Niang Niang, I cannot leave you to the danger either," he said earnestly.

"I have Yong Yan," she said stoutly, though they both knew what weak hold an infant could be. The dangers might be abated now, but things in the palace could be so unpredictable. Who knew what would happen a few years down the road? Who knew where Huang Ah Ma's heart would be then?

Neither of them mentioned this, however, because truly, then, they had little choice in the matter.

"Just go, be safe," Ling Fei insisted.

"My mother – I don't know if I will have time to say goodbye – "

"What have you told her?" Ling Fei asked urgently.

"Nothing. Literally, nothing. She does not know about Xiao Yan Zi yet, either."

Ling Fei stared at him in amazement.

"I wanted it to be…_right, _Niang Niang, but so many things happened..." He shook his head in frustration at himself. "I should have told her…now I probably won't have time to do it justice."

Ling Fei nodded in understanding. "Try to go to her and say goodbye if you can. But if you cannot, I will try to visit her five days hence and tell her what's going on. So at least she does not worry. Well, not worry _as much_, anyway."

He gripped her hands. "Niang Niang, _thank you. You are too good._"

He knew from the look in her eyes that Ling Fei understood his gratitude was not just for what she was doing now, but for everything she had ever done for him. If this was goodbye, truly, he needed her to know that.

She squeezed his hand one last time, then gave him a gentle push.

"_Go_. And I hope we will meet again."

* * *

"You cannot go," Er Kang told him a couple of days later, when they all finally have reunited. "Surely you must see that is the first place Huang Shang would think to look when looking for you."

Yong Qi paced the small confines of the room. For once, he was glad that Xiao Jian was outside entertaining Xiao Yan Zi.

"If they have looked for me there, then my mother would know something's wrong. I have to see her, to reassure her – "

"By putting yourself in danger? Yong Qi, you can't! Let my father and Ling Fei help ease her mind, you know they would do it. And she would rather you stay safe than risk your freedom by going to her."

Yong Qi gritted his teeth and could have punched the wall in frustration, but he knew that Er Kang had a point, nonetheless.

"There is something else you can do about it, though," Er Kang went on. "You can tell Xiao Yan Zi about it."

"To what end? If we can't go and see her, I would not want to put the burden of knowing on Xiao Yan Zi. Leaving Huang Ah Ma is one thing, but even Xiao Yan Zi would see the things wrong with leaving my mother."

A long silence descended between them, where Yong Qi struggled to not address the elephant in the room, the one he just alluded to, that had potential to trample all of their going away plans (or at least, _his_ plans). He wished Er Kang would confront him about it, then at least he would then have to make himself dwell on the matter.

But Er Kang, after pointed looks of concerns, said nothing else other than, "You need not be such a martyr about this, Yong Qi."

To this, Yong Qi gave him an irritated look. "I am not. I just don't want to give Xiao Yan Zi reasons to doubt my being here."

"So you would suffer the pain of it alone instead?"

"Not exactly alone; you know."

Er Kang rolled his eyes. "That was not what I mean and you know it."

"I will tell her," Yong Qi sighed. "Someday, but perhaps when our lives start looking a little less erratic."

Er Kang just shook his head and sighed, wondering how it was that Yong Qi did not realise by now that life with Xiao Yan Zi would never be 'less erratic'.

* * *

Letter from Yong Qi to An Ran, written hastily while Fu Lun and his wife spoke to Er Kang and Zi Wei, pressed into Fu Lun's hand as they left:

_Er Niang,_

_I have not much time, and I only hope that Fu Daren or Ling Fei who brings this letter to you might have explained the situation to you already._

_I have so much to say to you, but the most important thing is, I am sorry. I am sorry if before the arrival of this letter, there were other arrivals that caused you alarm. I am sorry I cannot come and explain things to you myself. I am sorry I have kept so much from you this past year. I am sorry now to leave without being able to even say goodbye._

_I know this is not what you ever wanted for me, and I squander all the sacrifices you ever made for me with the risks I take, and by defying Huang Ah Ma. Perhaps that is one reason why I never could bring myself to confide in you what I have been up to. I knew you would talk me – or even order me – out of it, and I would not be able to bear to disobey you._

_But Er Niang, this is not defiance for defiance's sake. I have met someone who had taught me what it really meant to live, to love, to see the world in an entirely different light, one that looks beyond the riches and luxuries I have known always to see how life truly is. She has brought happiness and joy to me, and I know you could see it too. The short time I have cannot allow me to sufficiently explain to you how much I love her, how very much she means to me. I wish I had been braver and introduced her to you before all this disorder came. But for so long, she was playing the part of my sister, and when she no longer was, there were always so many things happening, that I kept telling myself that I should wait until all three of us could have the luxury of time to make this introduction free from misunderstandings and chaos both you and she deserve._

_I know I am giving up the future you wanted so much for me to have in order to be with her now, but Er Niang, I cannot make Huang Ah Ma's mistakes a second time, either. I cannot give her up and settle for a life without her, not when I know whoever replaces her would suffer even more than you ever did, now that I know the happiness she could bring. The palace, with all the financial stability and status that it could bring would no longer be enough. You gave up your entire life for my safety and happiness, I know, but please trust me this one time to know my mind well enough to know that my happiness is with her, wherever she may be, no matter what physical hardship we might have to go through._

_I cannot know what the future will bring; I dare not hope that Huang Ah Ma would ever forgive us. I only know that I cannot abandon you. I will come back, Er Niang, no matter what it takes. Then I will beg your forgiveness in making you worry and grieve over me, even now when I should be able to take care of you and allow you to enjoy a life free from troubles. Until then, you must know that every day I will think of you, missing you, yearning for the day when we can meet again. But no matter what happens in the future, please know that I will always be your loving son –_

_Yong Qi._

* * *

_A/N: This is the chapter where I write Yong Qi acting like he knows what he's doing but really he's just acting like an idiot.  
_

_Xiao Yan Zi will meet Yu Fei...eventually. _

_Anyway, thanks for reading and commenting :)_


	5. Part IV

**Part IV**

Fu Lun approached the little cottage with a heavy heart. He did not particular wish to be the one to deliver this news to Yu Fei, but Ling Fei and he had agreed that it would be for the best. It was not convenient for Ling Fei to leave the palace now, even on the pretext of visiting his wife. Fu Lun, on the other hand, had seen Wu Ah Ge for himself and would be better informed to reassure Yu Fei that her son was all right, physically. Also, he was also letting go of his own son, his brightest hope and light, and he would be in a position to both sympathise with Yu Fei and advise her should she need it.

If there was one thing that Fu Lun was relieved about, it was that Huang Shang had not ordered a raid of this area in the search for the fugitives. Perhaps even Huang Shang understood that Wu Ah Ge would not bring danger to his mother by hiding where she was. At least it meant that until now, Yu Fei was blissfully oblivious to what befell her son and her life was not turned upside in the last few days due to worry and fear for her child.

And now Fu Lun would have to end that peace.

The old maid Xin Yu saw him first.

"May I help you, sir?" she asked tentatively.

Fu Lun had taken care to dress in commoner clothes and not his court robes, since that would immediately raise red flags. The woman was still wary, nonetheless. He supposed that few men would have reasons to come here. It was a place for nuns after all.

"Yes, my name is Fu Lun, I would like to speak to your mistress?"

The woman glanced at the closed cottage door, then addressed Fu Lun again. "May I ask what you wish to speak to my mistress about?"

"Yes, you probably don't know me. My wife's sister is Ling Fei Niang Niang, and my sons were classmates and are good friends with Wu Ah Ge…" He hesitated, then continued, "Wu Ah Ge asked me to deliver a message."

Concern immediately showed on Xin Yu's face. "Is Wu Ah Ge – "

"For the most part, Wu Ah Ge is well. But for the rest, I would like to speak directly to Yu Fei Niang Niang."

Before Xin Yu could answer, the door of the cottage pushed open and out came Yu Fei.

"I have not been Yu Fei Niang Niang in a very long time, Fu Daren," she said wearily. Then she gave a small curtsy of greeting.

Fu Lun bowed slightly, feeling a little thrown off. Indeed, she was not. What on earth was he supposed to call her then? After a few seconds of deliberation, he settled on "Furen".

She invited him to sit down at the set of stone table and stools in the middle of the small courtyard and Xin Yu made them tea.

It was, surprisingly, rather quality _longjing_, most likely a gift from Wu Ah Ge. If he had known, he would have asked them to not waste it on him but keep it for themselves, but it would be impolite to refuse now. Perhaps they would need good, calming tea to get them through this conversation.

Then, taking the letter from his sleeve, he handed it to Yu Fei. "Wu Ah Ge asked me to deliver this letter to you. I am giving it to you now so that you can see that it is written in his hand, but I hope you will listen to the story I have to tell before you read the letter."

Yu Fei's eyebrows creased in concern. "Fu Daren, forgive me for being blunt, but my son – "

"Is, as I said, for the most part, physically well."

"You understand that does not reassure me. The fact that you are here and not he…I am trying not to imagine worst-case scenarios, Daren."

Fu Lun nodded in sympathy. For the most part, he knew _his _son was well, too, but that does not lessen his worry one bit.

"I suppose to explain why I am here, I must relate a rather long story. I understand Wu Ah Ge has not spoken to you about any of this before. I can speculate many reasons, one being part of this story has to do with a…love affair that Huang Shang had outside the palace twenty years ago. Perhaps he did not wish to pain you to speak of it."

Her face was unreadable, and Fu Lun could not decide whether the idea of Huang Shang's trysts that result in children like Zi Wei could hurt her. Surely she could not be _shocked _at the idea, though. Looking back, Fu Lun wondered other than Xia Yu He, how many others there had been.

"I don't suppose you are aware that for the last year, Wu Ah Ge has been engaged?"

Yu Fei looked up at him in total surprise. "No!" she exclaimed. "He made no mention of it!" Then, her expression turned to concern. "Why would he not tell me? I did wonder. He should be, if not married, at his age. I even asked. He had opportunities to tell me! Why did he not? Is there something about the lady - "

"No," Fu Lun hastened to assure her, "there is no objection on Wu Ah Ge's part regarding the lady. In fact, the match was his choice, and in terms of affection, temperament and personality, they are suited. If I may, I think she is very good for him, and has caused many great changes for the better for him personally and for his life. He certainly has been happier ever since she came."

"Yes, I could tell he is…different this past year. It comes and goes, but he is more relaxed, I think."

Yu Fei looked concerned, still. She knew he was not merely here to discuss her son's marriage prospects.

"I really must start at the beginning, I think. I beg you to humour me and listen to this rather long-winded story, but it's important to get to why I am here today."

She inclined her head in a gesture to ask him to continue.

"Twenty years ago, Huang Shang took an inspection trip down to Jinan…"

Yu Fei listened to the story of Xia Yu He with seeming indifference, but Fu Lun could tell it pained her, even if just a little, because there were moments when her eyes closed for a little longer than a blink and motions of her arms told him that she was clenching her fists in her lap.

"Furen, if I may say so, Zi Wei Ge Ge is not to blame for her existence in the world. She is a very sensible, caring and intelligent young lady. Wu Ah Ge is very fond of her, and they hold each other in great esteem."

Yu Fei only gave a small, sad smile and nodded. She looked both confused and intrigued, Fu Lun thought. It was clear that she wasn't sure how any of this was relevant to her.

He waited a beat before continuing.

"When Zi Wei arrived in Beijing, she met a young woman named Xiao Yan Zi…"

"Xiao Yan Zi managed to get into the hunting ground, however before she could deliver Zi Wei's message to Huang Shang, she was accidentally shot by Wu Ah Ge's arrow…"

"Our family realised that Zi Wei was the real princess, not Xiao Yan Zi…"

"Finally, we were able to clear up the misunderstanding and explain to Huang Shang about the mix-up…"

When this part of the story finished, Yu Fei simply stared at Fu Lun for a long time, apparently letting it all sink in.

"So, for the last year, my son has been engaged to this Huan Zhu Ge Ge, to this Xiao Yan Zi?" she asked.

"Yes, and I think you can guess, Lao Fo Ye, who waas absent from court praying in the mountains for that entire year, was not entirely pleased with the match when she came back and found out about it. I suppose…"

For a moment, Fu Lun wondered if he should get into this analysis at all. Wouldn't it be better for the woman to meet Xiao Yan Zi and decide for herself, instead of having him trying to persuade her how she should feel? Wasn't that partly the reason Wu Ah Ge probably said nothing to her before in the first place? But now, when would they get to meet, he wondered? The least he could do now was to not give Yu Fei more reason than she probably already would have at the end of the story to disapprove of Xiao Yan Zi.

"I suppose, looking at it objectively, in terms of status and duties, they are not well-matched. Certainly, to Lao Fo Ye's perspective they are not. She is a Han, and we know so very little about her origins. She has not received very much education, and finds the court life rather stifling."

"But you said – "

"When _I _said they are suited, I meant that both she and Wu Ah Ge wish for the match, and that she had made him happier than I have ever seen him. My younger son had the privilege to be his classmate and they spent a lot of time together growing up, up until when my son married and moved away. I have therefore had the honour to watch Wu Ah Ge grow up more or less in my house. I think you can imagine that his childhood has never been particularly full of unaffected joy. I do not think he would speak to you of it, but it has not been easy for him. As much as my sister-in-law tries, she knows she cannot make up for the loss of his birth mother."

He was rambling now, but it was important that Yu Fei understood that, to Wu Ah Ge, at least, the happiness is more precious than anything else a titled lady could bring to the marriage state.

"I understand," Yu Fei said sorrowfully.

In that moment, Fu Lun felt distinctively sorry for her. Whatever sacrifices she made for the sake of easing his future, he knew she would have had understood more than anyone that losing her that way would etch a hurt so deep into his heart that even time could not heal. He knew she would have spent the last twelve years plus agonising over how, in other ways, her son's life would have been far from happy, and he had just now rubbed it in even more.

"Xiao Yan Zi brings that joy and happiness that he so needs, so craves in his life. And she loves him, a true affection that does not take into account his title or position or wealth. She does not care whether he is a prince, or how good his chances at the succession are; she simple loves him. Due to my family's…involvement in this whole issue, and the fact that my older son is also engaged to Zi Wei Ge Ge, Xiao Yan Zi's sworn sister, I have had many chances to interact with her and see her and Wu Ah Ge together. I am not simply trying to persuade you to like her when I say that she is truly kind and good-hearted, for all that she lacks in lady-like pursuits. She is not the choice anyone with an agenda would make for him perhaps, but Furen, she is _his _choice. Can you understand that, that to him is more precious than anything?"

Yu Fei seemed to contemplate his words for a long time, and Fu Lun allowed her the luxury. It was a lot to dump on her at once, he knew, so she would need to take all the time she needed.

"From everything you're telling me, from the fact that _you_ are telling me, and this letter here, if I didn't know any better, I would guess that you are here to tell me that he has run off and eloped."

Fu Lun opened his mouth but for an instant could not think of anything to say. The expression on his face must have been enough, however, because Yu Fei immediately looked alarmed.

"I was not being serious! You can't mean – "

"Not…particularly, ma'am. Or at least, _elopement _is not the primary motive."

Yu Fei stared at him with a mixture of shock and panic.

Slowly, he related the whole story regarding Han Xiang. As he went over the details that even he only heard second hand from his son, Fu Lun still could not decide whether he should be proud or angry at them for the very foolishly chivalrous thing they had done.

"For Xiao Yan Zi and Zi Wei, the motivation for freeing Han Xiang is their innocent ideals of love. For my son, perhaps it is gallantry, and because he understands the gentleman's pain and fear of being separated from the woman he loves. But for Wu Ah Ge, even along with all this, I imagine there are other deeply-rooted reasons. If you will forgive me for being blunt, he has seen what lacking Huang Shang's affection did to you, but he has also seen that even for those with Huang Shang's favour, pain can still come in a different form. He has seen your pain, Ling Fei's pain and I think much of that drove his motivation to spare Xiang Fei yet a different kind of pain."

"Yet at his own expense?" Yu Fei demanded. "How could he not consider how it would anger Huang Shang?"

Fu Lun laughed humourlessly. "I think they all were very aware of the wrath it would induce in Huang Shang. That would never a deterrent."

"He never told me any of this. Why would he not tell me?" Yu Fei asked, shaking her head.

"If it is any consolation, madam, my son told me nothing of this either. We only knew what they did after Huang Shang have already arrested them."

"Is he all right?" she asked. "Are they – "

"I must be truthful and say that Wu Ah Ge's life would never be in danger. Nor was he in much danger of suffering other consequences than some period of anger from Huang Shang, either. Even if Huang Shang could bring himself to punish him, Lao Fo Ye would never allow it, especially when Lao Fo Ye never liked Xiang Fei in the first place."

"Yet there is a 'but' in here?"

Fu Lun looked carefully at her, wondering how she would take the news he was about to impart.

"Huang Shang was angry enough, however, to sentence both Zi Wei and Xiao Yan Zi to death."

"You said Zi Wei Ge Ge was Huang Shang's _daughter_," Yu Fei said, horrified.

Fu Lun hesitated. There was that fiasco, as well. "Shall we just say that it's complicated. But the point I'm trying to make is, in this situation, Xiao Yan Zi's life means very little, at least in so far as Lao Fo Ye is concerned. And Huang Shang is not of a calm enough mindset to spare her. But to Wu Ah Ge, she is everything. He would not stand back and watch her die."

She did not say anything, but just waited, and Fu Lun could tell she was holding her breath for what he would say next.

"It is with Ling Fei Niang Niang's help that Wu Ah Ge managed to escape from the palace. She also helped free Er Kang from jail and would have freed the two princesses too, but she was unfortunately stopped by Huang Hou. The only remaining option then was for Wu Ah Ge and Er Kang to rescue the princesses on the way to the execution ground."

She stared at him in horror. He supposed he could sympathise. "Stealing prisoners from execution ground" is not on the top of the list of things one hoped one's child would achieve one day when the child was born.

"So naturally," he said, though there was really nothing _natural _about this entire situation, "Huang Shang was…not pleased when he heard. Their only option now is to go away, to somewhere safe, and perhaps, wait until Huang Shang's rage abates. I cannot guarantee that it would ever do, or whether he could ever forgive them. But now that it has gotten to this, it is the only way for them. The only other way is death. They should have left Beijing by now."

"He _left_?" she asked, her voice breaking for the first time since the beginning of this extraordinary story. "Not just me…but _everything else? _I cannot believe it. Does he not realise what it means?"

"He more than realises it, ma'am, but I have to say, to him, it is worth it. And I am not just saying that now. Believe me, I have heard both your son and mine on the subject. They both would give up all this and more for Xiao Yan Zi and Zi Wei."

Yu Fei still looked shocked at the revelation. Fu Lun could not blame her. In this world where aristocratic men and princes fall in and out of love on a regular basis, to hear such resolution, and know that such resolution would be carried out, was something that would take time to get used to. Fu Lun himself never had concubines, but that was because he never felt the need – his wife had provided him with two healthy sons. When he was young, he was often away in army camps, there was no time for other women. He wondered whether their small family somehow came to influence the way Er Kang saw family and life and love now.

"Yong Qi has expressed such sentiment before, he made it clear that he thought little of the wealth and prestige that a high position could bring, and that it would not bother him to have to do without it all, but these sentiments, as arrogant as it will sound now when I say it out loud, were for _me…"_

Fu Lun smiled wryly. Children grew up, and sometimes it hurt to see them face the world and its hardships, but most parents were allowed the luxury of time to get used to the concept. Yu Fei, on the other hand, likely held on to the image of an eight-year-old child for just as many long years, and it would probably take as long for her to completely accept that her son had grown up, had his own life, and did not so much need her _protection _anymore.

"Perhaps you will see then," he said, "how much Xiao Yan Zi means to him. He is not one for impulsive, heat of the moment decisions, Furen, and this affection is not the work of a moment either. I saw him three days ago, and please believe me when I say that if there was any chance of them staying in Beijing at all without endangering lives, he would never leave you. I think his letter would echo the same sentiment."

She looked down and stroked the letter now in her hand, as if seeing it for the first time. Then, looking up abruptly at Fu Lun again, she asked, "You saw him three days ago? Where? Not in the palace, I take it?"

"No, they were in a hiding place. And before you ask, he did intend to come here to explain, to say goodbye to you. But we thought it was too risky. Perhaps the soldiers have not searched here yet, but you never know if there are spies about, just waiting for him to come. That is also the reason why we couldn't tell you earlier and give you a chance to go to him, either. If there is anyone watching you now, seeing you leave would draw danger to them. I hope you forgive us that we've hidden all this from you for this long and believe us that is all in consideration for all their safety and your own."

She closed her eyes and took several shallow breaths. When she opened her eyes, they were tearful. Xin Yu, who had hitherto sat silently next to her, place a hand over Yu Fei's now. Then addressing Fu Lun, she asked, "Sir, do you know where they are planning to go?"

"Yes, but perhaps saying it out loud here is not a good idea. I do not think Wu Ah Ge would have revealed in the letter either, Furen," he said apologetically. "Perhaps…perhaps one day, when Huang Shang is less angry, they may be able to return. I do not know. But for now, I am sorry, we do have to let them go, and hope that we don't hear of them, because they cannot contact us without bringing attention to themselves, and any news right now from Huang Shang's side will be bad news."

Yu Fei looked tearfully up at him. "You allow your son to leave you like this?"

"I do, when the alternative is imprisonment or death. What he did was not for any gain of his own, and I have to accept that it is his nature to do this. If I were him, perhaps I would not have risked so much, but I am not him."

She laughed bitterly. "Yet you have another child. I have only the one."

It was only the total devastation in her voice and the fact that he knew she was not trying to hurt him that allowed Fu Lun to not become affronted at such a statement. Just because there was still Er Tai did not lessen the pain of losing Er Kang. He refused to reduce his sons only into the labels of the heir and the spare.

"I am sorry," she said immediately, however, "that was unkind, I know. I do not mean to belittle your loss."

Fu Lun nodded. "I understand. May I speak frankly?"

"Have you not already done that?"

"The truth is, Furen, we are parents and it is natural that we love our children. Yet ever since the two young ladies came into my life, I realised the challenge was not to love the child as when they are children who still obey you. The challenge is to love them when they are grown and have a mind of their own, and would do things you may not always understand or accept. They will always have their reasons, and as long as they are not malicious or cruel reasons, perhaps it is our duty as their parents to support them. We must accept that they are their own person who will think for themselves. We cannot wish them to have happiness and success in life without allowing them this freedom and trust."

"I left because I did wish my son to live a life where his father hates him, Daren!" Yu Fei exclaimed. "I left so that his future in the court will be secure!"

Fu Lun sighed. "I know," he said. "The truth is, as much of a waste I think it is for my son to leave, for what it's worth, I think it is an even more enormous waste on Wu Ah Ge's part. I don't think it presumptuous to say that he would be one of the highest contender for the throne one day and he would be good for it. It does not help for me to say it now, I know. But Furen, if your wish is that he be happy, you should understand that he cannot be that without Xiao Yan Zi. And we may have notions of what constitutes happiness for our children, but they do not always agree. In the end, it is they who must live their lives, so perhaps it should be they who decide what and who makes them happy."

"And this Xiao Yan Zi makes Yong Qi happy?" she asked.

"You said earlier that you noticed change in him, that he was more relaxed."

"Yes, but I did not think the reason for it was quite so…dramatic."

Fu Lun smiled. She really had no idea how accurate the word 'dramatic' was.

"Tell me about her…"

* * *

When Fu Daren had left, An Ran left Xin Yu to prepare a small meal for them. She needed some time to herself, for the letter Fu Daren delivered, and to let everything she'd just been told sink in.

If it wasn't for the fact that she was holding a letter written in Yong Qi's handwriting now, perhaps she would have been tempted to believe Fu Daren had made it all up. It was beyond extraordinary and the entire story was one she found hard to believe. Perhaps because through the story, she realised how little she did know of Yong Qi's life, how much he kept away from her. Her first, foolish and selfish instinct was to think it was because he did not wish her to know, to keep a distance from her. But no, that was not her son. Likely he just took too much upon himself and felt he needed to protect her from the truth. For truthfully, if it were not for the fact that the story told her how many times her son's life and safety had been in danger, she would be more tempted to dwell on other hurts, involving the emperor.

She looked at the letter in her hand. The details were few, but the sentiments were all there. She read over his loving descriptions of his feelings for Xiao Yan Zi, and could almost not believe it. She had read of love like this, tender, true and pure, but she did not ever think she would encounter it in real life. She thought it even less possible in her son's life, because she never thought either she or her son would ever have a choice in his marriage at all.

Her own experience with love had been obsessive, all-consuming, hurtful, and most importantly, one-sided. She did not know how to imagine this apparently mutual love that her son shared with his fiancée, deep enough for him to not just think about but act on leaving everything: her, everything he had and could have.

She realised now that in the last few years, she had forgotten that he was hers no longer. She gave him up when she left the palace, and the fact that he still remembered her, still loved her, still came to visit her, did not stop the fact that he had another life, away from her, one that he would have to answer to, first. She was his mother, yes, but what part did she have in his life now?

Even with everything Fu Daren told her of Xiao Yan Zi, An Ran still struggled to imagine such a woman. That Huang Shang would accept someone who lied and deceived him, who was, apparently, very little suited to the role of a prince's consort, and the proceeded to betroth her to Yong Qi was both shocking and alarming. If it were not for both Fu Daren and Yong Qi's assurance that – before this whole fiasco, at least – Huang Shang did hold Yong Qi in high esteem, An Ran would have to wonder whether the intention of such a betrothal was malicious.

For such a woman gain her son's heart, and in a love so great that it could induce him into risking his entire life and give up everything for her was not something that An Ran could imagine. Perhaps she had always thought her _son _to be the prize for whoever he married, not the other way around. A girl would and should feel honoured to be allowed to marry him at all, and would have no right in demanding anything from him. Not anything this sacrilegious, this enormous, in any case.

There is also that other feeling, a feeling she had no pleasuring in acknowledging. The selfish part of her wished to resent and hate this _girl _for taking away her son, on whom she had placed so much hopes and expectations. What did a girl without a family know of a mother's love? What did she know of all the things An Ran had given up to ensure Yong Qi's safety? Was it all to be undone by someone who had no name, no family, nothing that could benefit him like her?

All of these feelings could not help but be spurred on by the overwhelming acknowledgement of _loss. _Yong Qi was no longer hers, he hadn't been hers in a long time, but this loss felt more permanent that it had ever been. The fact that he even considered leaving at all, the fact that he had now left, and was no longer here, spoke one thing clear to her: she was no longer the most important woman in his life. Perhaps she never was, not since the day she left him.

Given a choice, he chose Xiao Yan Zi.

And how **_bitterly _**it stung.

Did he think about her at all, did she ever become a consideration for him to abandon his risks, she wondered? Or did he never think she was important enough to make him rethink what he was giving up? Did he once think about staying, for _her_, instead of leaving for Xiao Yan Zi?

She wondered now at the reason he has not introduced them, despite all the reasons he gave in the letter. If she had a legitimate place in his life, the introduction would have been obvious and natural, not something that needed to wait for the right timing. Did Xiao Yan Zi know of her existence, or did he allow her to believe, like the rest of the world believed, that she was dead? For the truth was, to Huang Shang, she was dead, and perhaps the emperor's truth is the only truth that mattered.

She could only desperately pray, _hope_, _wish_, that it would not, one day, be the emperor's truth that Yong Qi was dead to him as well.

* * *

_A/N: So. No, An Ran does not like Xiao Yan Zi at all at the moment. In her defence, they've never met, and let's face it, the circumstances that made An Ran become aware of Xiao Yan Zi is not good. As I said before, Yong Qi's denial and hand-waving is _not good. _And this is just Yu Fei's side of it. Xiao Yan Zi is not going to be very happy with Yong Qi either when she finds out. (In _Yong Qi's_ defence...he has his reasons. Sort of.)__  
_


	6. Part V

**Part V**

Considering how many things happened on their way, Yong Qi should not be surprised that three months later, and they reached Nanyang and he had found no time to make any mention of his mother to Xiao Yan Zi. The truth was, there was hardly time free and truly alone with himself to think, to worry about anything else than the dangers they were facing, though the guilt for that, and for the fact that he left her in the first place, would assault him in odd moments. This life on the run, however, never allowed those moments to be much longer than fleeting. There was always something else to worry about, whether it was assassins or injuries or hurts or Xiao Yan Zi's latest scheme, or…well, Xiao Jian.

Yet in the end, Yong Qi could not help but feel slightly (or very) foolish when Xiao Jian ended up being Xiao Yan Zi's brother. He looked back now and could see that, yes, Xiao Jian's attention had always been about Xiao Yan Zi's protection, about her well-being, about her past and how she lived and survived. It was all the concerns of a brother who didn't get to see his little sister grow up. Yong Qi tried to tell himself that he was hardly the only person who misread all that attention to mean that Xiao Jian was interested in Xiao Yan Zi romantically, that practically everyone thought so too. The only person who did not think so, who saw the attention for what it was, ironically, was Xiao Yan Zi, who they all dismissed as being too clueless to see what they arrogantly presumed.

He could not help but feel, part of Xiao Jian's attitude towards him all this time, keeping on with the act, not once attempting to contradict their assumptions, were all parts of a test. Now, Yong Qi understood more than ever that Xiao Jian had a right to find out, through whatever mean he deemed appropriate, whether Yong Qi could truly be good for Xiao Yan Zi. Now that the misunderstanding had been cleared up, he was acting cordial enough towards Yong Qi, so he could only hope that Xiao Jian was not entirely against the idea of him and Xiao Yan Zi.

Which was more than he could say about what he knew of his mother's views on his engagement.

He knew, by now, Fu Lun or Ling Fei would have told his mother everything that had been happening in his life in the last two years that he thought he could not burden with before. He spent all that time, trying to pin-point an ideal time to tell his mother about Xiao Yan Zi, and in the end, the way she ultimately found out might very well be the worst way possible. How could Er Niang possibly understand, when Yong Qi was not there to explain, how and why Xiao Yan Zi meant so much to him that he could be here now, instead of there with her? How could he expect her to have a favourable impression of Xiao Yan Zi now, when they have never met, and all Er Niang would really know was that Xiao Yan Zi was the person who pulled Yong Qi miles away from her? Any reassurance Ling Fei or Fu Lun could give, could not endear a faceless name to Er Niang, not when Yong Qi knew that this life was precisely what his mother never wanted for him, what she gave up her every luxury to ensure he could avoid.

He was sure Xiao Jian was slightly unsure about the entire situation between him and Xiao Yan Zi, and his own mother's opinion was most likely not that favourable either. Thus far, it didn't seem like a great way to spend their lives together, for all that their engagement started off with such promise and hope.

It was this, and something else heard in passing when they were discussing Xiao Jian and Xiao Yan Zi's situations, that told Yong Qi that he had been running away from the issue long enough. Xiao Yan Zi deserved to know, and if "the right moment" and "later" would not show itself, he would have to make the moment right.

"The convent where you grew up, what was it called?" Xiao Jian asked Xiao Yan Zi.

"I can't remember…was it…Bai Yun Si?"

It sufficed to say that Yong Qi nearly choked on the tea he was drinking at the name, and Er Kang gave him a sharp look.

Of course, if Xiao Yan Zi had run away the year she was seven, that means she probably just missed Yong Qi's mother's arrival there, and they most likely would never have met at all. Still, Yong Qi wasn't sure, by now, that he could believe in coincidences anymore.

So, a couple of days later, when Xiao Jian and Xiao Yan Zi had both gotten more used to the idea of each other, Yong Qi pulled Xiao Yan Zi away for a long ride after breakfast. He had asked Er Kang early in the morning to also tell everyone else while they were gone. He had no idea how Xiao Yan Zi would react to this news, but knowing Xiao Yan Zi, dropping such great news on her so soon after the first news of her brother probably meant that her reaction won't be quiet and she would need Zi Wei's support, at least.

* * *

The reveal was, for lack of a better word, a disaster.

"_Your mother is alive_?"

"Yes."

"So all those days when I couldn't find you in the palace, you were off visiting her? Why didn't you tell me?"

"There was never the right time." It was a feeble explanation to say the least, though technically, it was true.

"We've known each other for all that time, and you couldn't find the right time?"

Yong Qi tried, incoherently, to explain, but it did not do much to mollify Xiao Yan Zi. The conversation ended when Xiao Yan Zi, looking hurt and angry, jumped on her horse and raced back to the house.

Yong Qi did not hurry to race after her. With his grasp on his emotions tenuous to say the least, he would not have much success in calming Xiao Yan Zi down, when he hardly knew how to calm himself down at the moment.

* * *

The information that Er Kang just told them was too massive, too _much, _that Zi Wei found it hard to understand why it had been hidden for so long. She was also surprised that all this time, even if Yong Qi somehow had a reason to stay silent – something on which Er Kang was vague about – that Er Kang _himself _never let anything slip to her, either, even though he had shared with her practically everything else. Perhaps it wasn't this secret to tell, but the silence from the two most important men in her life on a subject so life-changing such as this sat uneasy with her.

She could not dwell on her own discomfort now, though, not when Xiao Yan Zi more or less stormed into the room they shared and it did not appear as if Yong Qi had hurried after her. So when Xiao Yan Zi was in this temper, she would need someone by her to vent, before she released that frustration and temper in other actions at lot more catastrophic.

To be fair, Zi Wei could not exactly blame Xiao Yan Zi for being angry and hurt this time.

"I don't like that he didn't tell you until now, either, Xiao Yan Zi, but don't you think not talking to him about it, is not going to make this entire situation easier?"

However justified Xiao Yan Zi's anger with Yong Qi was – and for once on this trip, it _was_ – Zi Wei knew one thing: allowing this anger to brew did nothing good. It would only eventually build up steam that could not be contained later. As much as Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi were in danger of having another huge row now, perhaps they should just get the hurt and anger over with, while it was still fresh and they actually knew the sources for the anger and would be more likely to resolve the problems rather than add to them.

"_Talk_? What is there to talk about, Zi Wei? If he could lie to me about something like this, what else is he also lying about?"

Zi Wei winced at the harshness in Xiao Yan Zi's voice, and could not help but try to placate her. "You may be a little too harsh with your choice of words, but he only didn't tell you – "

"No, it is a _lie. _He told me once that his mother was dead. When I was first in the palace, I asked if Huang Hou was his mother and he said no, his mother was dead."

Zi Wei tried to understand, that to Yong Qi, it could not have been a picnic either, the lie he was forced to live regarding his mother. He probably had no choice but to say it like that, she knew. When it was written so in the records, when it was decreed that way, it was the only truth he could tell.

Zi Wei forced herself to accept now, more than ever, that Huang Ah…Huang Shang…_his _treatment of her and Xiao Yan Zi were always singular and a marvel. His other children and his other concubines were never that lucky, they never were allowed to freely adore him with a full heart, but always to look up at him as emperor and a source of fearful-worship, rather than pure, undisputed love. Yong Qi had grown up with such an emperor, such a father, one that, Zi Wei was sure, was very different from the one she knew. Even when Yong Qi defied his father in order to help Xiao Yan Zi, Zi Wei and then Han Xiang, he never assumed that he could be immune to the emperor's rage and punishments. He always acted like – and perhaps knew that – his father would not hesitate in casting him off. (The sentimental part of her reminded her that, because he knew this, and did it all anyway, should be enough for her and Xiao Yan Zi to be kinder to him now, to cut him more slack for this omission of information.)

She wondered if the only reason Huang Shang treated her with such gentleness before was merely due to guilt regarding her mother…Certainly the way he reacted at the mere _idea _that she might not be his blood, was enough proof that it was not her who he truly he cared for…He cared for the child of Xia Yu He, the proof of a woman who flattered his vanity by staying practically a widow for him her entire life.

Did he truly ever love her mother, or just the idea of her? They could not have known each other for long, and love, as Zi Wei knew it, took work, trust and compromise. What about her mother and...father (it hurt now to think of this word) was ever love? It was never anything more than blind infatuation on both sides: on his side he could forget; on hers, she had to hold on to the infatuation all her life, otherwise she had little else to live for.

"Zi Wei!"

She shook her head and looked to Xiao Yan Zi, who, other from the anger, looked a little concerned at how she had drifted off. She smiled weakly at her friend. "I'm fine. I was just thinking…if Huang – if my mother was never forgotten, but brought back to the palace, and then lost favour in such a way, whether I could do what Yong Qi does. What if I was made to act like she did not exist, would I be able to say it?"

"Of course you would not," Xiao Yan Zi said dismissively, but Zi Wei interrupted her.

"I didn't say that to criticise Yong Qi," she said gently, "as little as I like that he never told you this, Xiao Yan Zi. I'm just saying that he has his own difficulties, his own pains as well. Maybe…maybe we're just being too harsh on him. I mean, if it had been the official truth since he was eight years old that his mother is dead, perhaps over the years, he just trained himself to give that instinctual answer. He might not wish to lie, not to you or anyone, but how could he do anything different when the whole world would contradict his word?"

"Maybe, maybe he had to say that then," Xiao Yan Zi said stubbornly, "but what about after? We were getting married, for Heaven's sake! Was he not going to tell me even then? And it's not as if it's a deep dark secret, exactly! Apparently the entire Fu family knows! And Ling Fei! So why did he hide it from me? He had plenty of chances to tell me! He never did, until now! Why would he do that?"

"_Were _getting married_,_ Xiao Yan Zi? You cannot mean – " Zi Wei started, her voice laced with alarm. It was one thing for Xiao Yan Zi to be angry at Yong Qi, but for her to talk as if this was an irreconcilable thing, then it scared Zi Wei. Of course, Xiao Yan Zi talked like this on a regular basis, so perhaps she should not panic so much, but deep down, Zi Wei knew that this issue was more serious than any of their petty arguments before, even ones that had serious roots as Lao Fo Ye's disapproval.

"I don't know, I don't know! I don't know what to think anymore! I just don't understand why he needs to lie to me about this. And if he could not tell me this, what can I trust him to tell me?"

"Xiao Yan Zi, I'm not trying to excuse Yong Qi, I don't understand it as you do. But maybe instead of thinking how he kept this information from you, you could think about the fact that he is here now? It's one thing to leave the palace and luxuries and even…Huang Ah Ma, who will have other sons to fill his role, but Xiao Yan Zi, it can't have been easy for him to leave his mother."

Zi Wei tried not to imagine herself in Yong Qi's position. Would she be able to choose Er Kang over her mother, if she was in such position? Er Kang chose _her _over his parents, it was true, but his parents had each other, had Er Tai, and they supported Er Kang. She knew from the few details Er Kang told them, that Yong Qi's mother would have none of this.

"He can't have been thinking straight when he chose me over his own mother."

"Perhaps. Perhaps he was under pressure then, as our lives were in danger. But he never once tried to turn back, Xiao Yan Zi, don't you see that? He loves you enough to still be here now, even if knowing Yong Qi, the choice can't have been easy and would have been a weight on him all this time. Should that not count for something?"

Xiao Yan Zi didn't answer immediately, and grew ominously silent for a long time. Then, when she did speak again, her voice was low and fearful.

"It scares me, Zi Wei. Isn't he just being foolish? Isn't he just deceiving both of us? Because I can't be enough reason for him to leave his mother, not like that, not when he told me, he is practically all she has. _I can't imagine doing that, _Zi Wei, so how could he? I just – I just feel like I finally realised that maybe I don't know him at all."

Zi Wei could not blame Xiao Yan Zi for feeling this way. The feelings, for once, were perfectly reasonable and understandable. That only made the entire situation even more confusing. Zi Wei didn't know how to react to this, either, because like Xiao Yan Zi, she couldn't grasp Yong Qi's reasons for staying so silent on this subject for so long at all. "Maybe you should be saying all this to him, and not to me," she finally said, because she had no other wisdom to offer.

Before Xiao Yan Zi could answer, there was a light knock on the door. Xiao Yan Zi looked over at Zi Wei and shook her head, her eyes wide. "I can't!" she mouthed.

Zi Wei sighed and went to the door, opening it just a crack, to reveal, not Yong Qi as she expected, but Er Kang. She opened the door a little wider.

"Can I speak to Xiao Yan Zi a bit?" he asked.

Xiao Yan Zi turned around, apparently surprised that it was Er Kang too. As if knowing who they were expecting instead, Er Kang said, "Yong Qi would have come, but I thought…maybe you might want to hear some less…_involved _point of view, first."

Looking at Xiao Yan Zi, and when she gave a tiny, grudging nod, Zi Wei stood aside to let Er Kang into the room.

"Xiao Yan Zi," Er Kang said, "I'm not going to tell you that you should not be angry at Yong Qi, all right? I've been telling him he should tell you for a long time. But as much as you have a right to be angry at him now, please try to understand that he does have his reasons for keeping this from you, and honestly I _understand_ his reasons, even if they are not healthy reasons."

"Like what?" Xiao Yan Zi demanded defiantly.

"I'm just going to tell you what I see and what I know. Yong Qi's vision of Huang Shang isn't your vision of Huang Shang, you know. Your first impression of him was as a kind man who loved you and cared for you, and that first impression you will carry with you always, even now. _You know it's true_," he stressed when it looked like Xiao Yan Zi would protest that she no longer thought that.

It was true though, as painful as it was for both Xiao Yan Zi and Zi Wei to admit. They still _wished _to see him as the father who loved them, still were both reluctant to let go of that naïve, simple view of him, even when assaulted with all evidence that proved he was much more complex man than that.

"It's not a bad thing," Er Kang conceded. "The truth is, I think Huang Shang does need that – untainted affection. The thing you have to understand, though, that we – or Yong Qi, more importantly – didn't grow up with your vision of Huang Shang. To Yong Qi, he was always emperor first and father second. For most of his life, Huang Shang is a figure of awe, and not always the happy kind of awe. He watched for eight years the very difficult relationship between Huang Shang and Yu Fei, where Huang Shang was indifferent and neglectful of Yong Qi's mother and while he was affectionate to Yong Qi, it was not anything particularly note-worthy. Their relationship is better lately, partly because his…worth to Huang Shang grows as he grows – don't look like that, Xiao Yan Zi, royal children, princes especially, are first and foremost heirs and tools. Though, to be fair, both your presence in their lives changed Huang Shang for the better and probably did much to improve their relationship. But it wasn't always like that. Before, I think…to some extent, Huang Shang does not particularly get attached to his young children, because children die so often and to invest his feelings more than natural instincts dictated was painful for him."

Xiao Yan Zi was staring at Er Kang, like everything he was saying was incomprehensible to her. Perhaps it was. Zi Wei knew, Xiao Yan Zi always craved and wished for a family, and she counted – even now – Huang Shang as part of that, so the idea that Huang Shang in turn could have such a distanced attitude to _his _family was not something she could easily come to terms with.

"You have to understand that, for Yong Qi," Er Kang continued, "even before he truly understood why things were the way they were between his parents, before he understood why he was doing it, had always felt he needed to divide his relationship with and his loyalty to his parents into two separate things, barred from each other by, preferably, a mountain. When he is with his mother, he knows by instinct that he cannot speak of his father because it brings her pain, and vice-versa when he is with Huang Shang. Huang Shang, in turn, would talk to him about his studies and everything else in the world, except his mother. This was all even before she left the palace. After she left the palace, she was dead to everyone but to Yong Qi, and Huang Shang always acted since then like she never existed. And when the emperor acts like that, Yong Qi could not openly defy him."

"Why not?" Xiao Yan Zi demanded. "If Huang Ah Ma could treat his mother so badly, why could Yong Qi not confront him? Why would he go along with it?"

It was such a Xiao Yan Zi thing to ask and Xiao Yan Zi thing to do that Zi Wei almost smiled. Of course, Xiao Yan Zi's first instinct was to berate Huang Ah Ma for his bad treatment of his concubines.

"Because he is not _you_, Xiao Yan Zi! You don't know how much you get away with things sometimes! Do you think Yong Qi never blamed Huang Shang, never was angry at Huang Shang for how he treats Yu Fei? Do you think it doesn't hurt Yong Qi to grow up, knowing that his mother was alive and but he could never acknowledge her existence, or even see her until he got older, because _his father_ wished it so? Believe it or not, Xiao Yan Zi, not all of us can scream in the emperor's face and get off with nothing more than a slap. And it would not just be Yong Qi who would reap the consequences of such insolence, Xiao Yan Zi, but Yu Fei too. Yong Qi could not confront Huang Shang at her expense."

Xiao Yan Zi looked unconvinced still, but did not voice any further contradiction. Er Kang shook his head and went on.

"The point I'm _trying _to make is that, for all his life, Yong Qi had known his mother to be a_ very undesirable _subject and then almost a taboo around his father – and by extension, around everyone else around him. He had trained himself into not mentioning her more than necessary with _anyone, _and to keep her separate from everything and everyone else in his life. He loves her but right now he has no means to protect her, not when the person who does not wish to even think of her is his father. So when he does find the precious time to visit her, he would do everything he could for her, but around everyone else, he forces himself to follow Huang Shang's lead and pretends that she, at least, is no longer alive. It's a very fine balance that he'd managed to set-up for himself, and to unsettle it is to make a torrent of undesirable and painful emotions to tumble down on him. He wasn't exactly happy when he told you the truth, was he?"

"No," Xiao Yan Zi admitted. "But I still don't understand why it takes until now for him to tell me."

"The thing is, Yong Qi had kept his feelings regarding his mother under wraps for so long, that honestly even now as I say this, a lot of it is speculation based on observation of everything he'd gone through. But Xiao Yan Zi, to tell you means he has to think about what happened, why and the fact that after all these years, even as much as Huang Shang loves him now, things stays the same for his mother, and it _hurts_. And the only way to lessen the hurt is to pick a moment when he is mentally prepared to tell you calmly. You have to admit things haven't exactly been calm in our lives lately."

Xiao Yan Zi let out a huff but did not contradict Er Kang.

"I'm not saying that's an excuse," Er Kang said, more gently. "I'm not saying that it makes it right for him to have not told you everything before now. But please just know that he's been struggling with himself to try and tell you for a very long time. He could just never find the right time to do it. Granted, his opinion of what constitutes the right time is too fastidious, but the caution he'd exercised when it comes to talking about his mother has been a life-long habit, born out of a need to protect both himself and his mother from hurt. It's not something he can just abandon. He needs your understanding now, not your anger, Xiao Yan Zi."

Xiao Yan Zi began to look less confrontational at these words. Zi Wei allowed herself to feel a little less worried. She was thankful that Er Kang had come to say all this, because he was the only one who could truly give an insight to what was in Yong Qi's mind and heart right now. Er Kang would have seen all this unfold, she thought. He probably knew more of the depths of the pains Yong Qi had gone through than what he had already expressed.

Confronted by all the information, Zi Wei could not understand how Yong Qi could have endured it. Perhaps there was nothing to do but endure, and perhaps it was a miracle that he turned out so compassionate and kind. He would probably have more reasons than most of them to resent Huang Ah Ma now, but still he did not. Most likely, that inability to completely hate Huang Ah Ma was a habit and an emotional weight too.

Zi Wei felt guilty now, too, because she had always wondered why Yong Qi always treated her so well. He had no reason to, her very existence said nothing good of his father. Yong Qi had every right to not like her, let alone risk all that he did to help her. She was grateful for it all, of course. It was not until now that she understood, perhaps he also knew what it was like to live everyday with pain hanging in the background. He knew the helplessness she felt all her life of seeing her mother in pain and suffering, and never being able to provide relief. She had always imagined his growing up to be vastly different from hers, but now, she wondered if he knew better, and that he always saw that their childhoods were, at the heart of it, very similar.

When she was young, she could never understand why the whole world shunned her mother and herself. It hurt her to see it and it hurt her even more when her mother tried to put on a brave face, to show that the coldness from everyone else around them did not affect her. Her mother was never really good at this façade, however. It always became obvious to Zi Wei, even at a young age, that her mother suffered from the isolation, but was also too proud to admit it. Older, when she understood why the world shunned her, she tried with all her might to not listen – or believe – the malicious words, that her mother had brought this upon herself, that she had been _loose_, that she was to blame… She used to make up fantasies about how her parents were star-crossed lovers and her father only ever left them because he had great things to do, or he was cruelly and tragically pulled away… Even until very recently, she found it easy to believe that Huang Ah Ma did love her mother…

That fantasy no longer existed, of course. Confronted with Yu Fei's fate, remembering Ling Fei's woes and words a few months before, when Han Xiang first came into the palace, Zi Wei understood now more than ever what "a dragonfly's step on water" meant. An emperor's love, an emperor's favour, an emperor's pleasure were but fleeting moments that you could hardly have time to appreciate before it was gone again. Even ones that Huang Ah Ma arguably felt more affection for, like Ling Fei, could not escape such fate. Perhaps it was all for the better that her mother never entered the palace. There was never guarantee that she could have kept the emperor's love even then, not when beauty and talent was in abundant in the palace. Xia Yu He was a marvel in the small village by Da Ming Lake, but in the Forbidden City, what real chance did she have to truly stand out? He could not have loved her for who she was, for he could hardly have known her for who she was. He only saw the beauty, the calligraphy and heard the music, all of which were pleasing to his eyes and ears. It inflamed his heart, but the flame had been put out, not by the torrential rains of autumn, but by the light showers of the spring season that took him away.

…At least, as difficult as their lives was, her mother had always been left alone to hang onto the illusion, the hope, the desperate wish that Huang Shang cared for her, once. Yu Fei never had that. Perhaps Zi Wei should be glad, somewhat, that at least in her childhood she was allowed to dream of a perfect family. Yong Qi never could, not when he would have been confronted everyday by reality.

* * *

_A/N: This chapter sort of took me by surprise. I intended to write the conversation with Er Kang from Xiao Yan Zi's point of view, but then that fell out. I did not intend to get into Zi Wei's head or write her confrontation with reality about her mother in this story...but here we are.  
_

_But I guess what it means is that I had to leave the way Yong Qi tells Xiao Yan Zi incredibly vague. I needed to have this conversation with Er Kang first, but I promise Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi will have a real conversation in the next chapter. They will need to, Yong Qi can't push it away as "not the right time" anymore.  
_


	7. Part VI

**Part VI**

"Are you sure you are really that angry at Yong Qi and not partly at me?" Xiao Jian asked her later.

She looked at her brother (Her! Brother!), startled. "What?"

"If you are angry at Yong Qi for not telling you about his mother, why are you not angry at me for not telling you about our relationship for just as long?"

For a moment, Xiao Yan Zi did not know how to answer. Was she angry at Xiao Jian? Should she be? She had only been too happy and giddy at the prospect of a brother, a name, a family and roots that she never considered it.

But then…Xiao Jian had even vaguer reasons for not telling her about them. He never even intended to, and only did because he was pushed to desperation to do so. So why was she not more annoyed by that?

"I wish, one day, Sister, that you would find it that easy to become so angry at me," Xiao Jian said with something like sorrow in his voice.

"What on earth do you mean? Why would you wish that?"

"Don't you think it's easier for you to be angry at Yong Qi and to take your frustration out on him, because you trust him more than you do me?"

She just stared at him, while he looked back at her with an expression that was hard to read. She could not understand how he came up with such a statement, or even what it was supposed to mean.

"I think…I think you feel much freer to lash out at Yong Qi and to become angry at him because you know, despite everything, no matter what you say, no matter how you say it, he will always love you. You trust him to forgive you, to never leave you. I wish I had enough of that trust from you."

"You do – " she started, but even with only so many words, Xiao Yan Zi knew what Xiao Jian was saying was, painful as it was to admit, true.

Ever since knowing he was her brother, she somehow had been living in a constant mixture of happiness and fear. Happiness was natural, but there was also the fear that it was all too good to be true, that it was a dream, and that she would wake up some time, or that he would discover that she couldn't possibly be his sister, so unlike as they were, and that he would leave. Maybe he did have doubts, she thought. Otherwise what other reason did he have for not telling her, considering how long they'd known each other? He must have doubts, otherwise he would want to tell her, not admit that he had plans of never telling her about their relationship at all. So how could she demand that he answer for his long silence? What if by asking why he took so long to tell her, she would trigger him into thinking better of it and taking it all away?

Did that mean now that he was right? Was half of her anger at Yong Qi now wrongly directed?

"You see," Xiao Jian said with a rueful smile.

"I don't know," she said finally.

Xiao Jian sighed. "For all the reservations I had about you and Yong Qi, there is something I can never deny. He loves you, too much for his own good sometimes. I wished he did not, sometimes. Then at least I would have reasons to dislike him. As it is, I cannot. I know he does not think so, but I do appreciate his love for you, and the fact that he has been taking care of you when I could not. While I cannot claim I understand the situation, I think I can understand, somewhat, why he has not been telling you these things."

"Why?"

"There are burdens, there are pains, that cannot lessen even shared. There are things you can't change. There are pains that will always be there. He doesn't want to put the burden on you, Xiao Yan Zi, because the only thing that achieves is that he will have to see you in pain as well. It will only add more to his. He was only trying to protect both you and him."

"Maybe I don't need protection," she said tartly.

"I know you don't. Yong Qi does too. But we both care about you, and just knowing you don't need protection doesn't mean we can turn off our instinct to protect you. If Yong Qi did not have that irrational need to keep you safe, it would mean he loved you less. Don't be angry at him for caring about you, Xiao Yan Zi. I never thought I'd say this, but I think I sympathise more with Yong Qi right now, Sister."

Xiao Yan Zi didn't know what to say to that. But then, Xiao Jian didn't expect her to.

He only said, "Just talk to him, all right? And let him explain. Secrets, especially like these, can't be easy to carry and he's suffering enough already."

* * *

Later still that evening, Xiao Yan Zi found Yong Qi sitting by himself outside. She watched him from behind, and wondered whether he regretted being here now, instead of where he should rightly be…

Maybe that was why she had been so angry. She never truly dared to think she could be the most important thing or person in his life, but if there was someone else that occupied his thoughts even more, she would have liked to know.

She understood, to an extent, the pain that Er Kang talked of, and the struggle to keep the balance between recognising the numerous faults Huang Ah Ma possessed and still loving him. She just couldn't understand why he would put himself through it silently and alone. Didn't he think she would understand? As for protection, well he should know well enough that she could take these things.

Even after Xiao Jian's explanation – which for some reason filled Xiao Yan Zi with something like foreboding, because how _did_ Xiao Jian seem so knowledgeable? – she still could not bring herself to be convinced. It still felt painfully like he lacked trust in her, not because he didn't want to burden her.

Frustrating! He had always been frustrating, now more than ever! She let out a heavy sigh and stomped her foot at the thought.

At the sound, Yong Qi turned around and saw her.

He didn't say anything at first, but just looked at her. The look of a thousand burdens on his face tugged at her heart, despite everything. Er Kang was right, he needed her support now, not her anger. She just hoped he would allow her to understand his mind first.

Xiao Yan Zi approached him and sat down beside him on the low railing of the roofed hallway.

"I'm still angry at you," she said, though her voice was soft and held only a trace of petulance.

"I know." He sounded almost accepting. She wished he did not, because it meant that he had no intention of arguing with her. That spoke more to her of the state of his emotions than anything.

"I just don't understand!" she exclaimed, turning to face him. "Why did you have to wait until now to tell me? Because it just feels like all this time, you didn't trust me. Or that you are somehow ashamed of me that you would not tell me about your mother or introduce me to her. And now you're here with me and don't you dare tell me that you want to be here, away from your mother! You are here because of me, but it's not right, and now it feels like I've stolen you away. Will you please just say something!"

The fact that he let her shout at him was infuriating in itself, because that was never how their fights went. At least if he was shouting back, she'd know how he felt. It might hurt, it might make her angrier but at least they were communicating. _Badly_, perhaps, but it was something. She didn't know how to deal with him like this.

Yong Qi sighed and reached a hand out to stroke her cheek. "I know it's hard for you to understand. Sometimes, I don't understand it myself. But would you believe me if I told you it's really not you_, _it's me?"

She snorted at the ridiculous line.

"There is one thing you must know, though. That is I am _not _ashamed of you, I can never be." Off her look, he continued, "I know you don't believe it, but it's true. I've wanted you to meet Er Niang for a very long time."

"Then why not?"

Yong Qi sighed and took her hand. The still frustrated part of her wished to pull away, but the other, bigger part started to see that maybe he wasn't trying to hurt her on purpose, that perhaps Zi Wei was right – he was here, and that counted for something. Or a lot.

"You are so important to me, and I wanted the meeting to be perfect. But I guess the problem was I didn't know what I was looking for. I think I kept on waiting for some sign to tell me that this was the right time, and the only sign I got seemed to be telling me it wasn't. First there was that whole identity crisis of you and Zi Wei, and then we got caught up with Er Tai's wedding and Hui Bin Lou and then Lao Fo Ye came back… Now, looking back, so much of it is just procrastination and excuses, really. I suppose I was also afraid that – "

"That the meeting would be as disastrous as the one with Lao Fo Ye? That like Lao Fo Ye, your mother would think I'm not good enough for you?"

The words were unexpectedly bitter as she said them. Xiao Yan Zi did not care so much for Lao Fo Ye that she was desperate for her approval, but for his sake, she wished she had it. She knew, no matter what happened, as much as _she _was important to Yong Qi, so was Lao Fo Ye, and definitely so was his mother. She, who spent most of her life wishing and looking for a family, was not so foolish as to dismiss this truth, even if she never said it to him. She supposed she always acted the complete opposite of this understanding, because she didn't know _how_ to get this approval, and even if she did, the things required was beyond her ability and nature.

The idea that his mother might share Lao Fo Ye's opinion too scared her more than she wanted to feel. She never wished to be the reason for a disagreement between him and his grandmother, and she wished even less to be that to him and his mother.

"No!" Yong Qi's firm reply brought her back to the conversation at hand. "I was afraid if it wasn't done right, it would change how you see Huang Ah Ma, that it would ruin things between you and Huang Ah Ma. Huang Ah Ma is important to _you,_I didn't want this to be the reason for you to lose your loving vision of him. I thought, if I could choose a time when _I _would be in a…compromising enough mood that I could see both sides of the story, that I then could explain to you enough so that you could still look at Huang Ah Ma the same. It all sounds so completely selfish now that I say it. I wanted everything and I wanted perfection but I should have realised long ago that that was not possible with my parents."

She did not think selfish was quite the right word for it. It only sounded like he was thinking too much about something that, at the heart of it, should really be simple.

"You would still want your mother to have a good opinion of me, though."

"Of course."

"And one the reasons you hesitated so much must be because you can't be sure she would. This can't just be about Huang Ah Ma. You can't think I don't know that Huang Ah Ma can be very unfeeling towards his concubines sometimes, even to Ling Fei. And by now, what more is there to ruin?"

He looked pained at her implication, but they both knew, regardless of whatever happened, the fact that Huang Ah Ma had showed that he was this desperate to kill them – Yong Qi, too – had changed the way all of them looked at the emperor.

"I think…" Yong Qi said slowly, "…you are very different from the kind of wife my mother would have wanted me to have."

Xiao Yan Zi laughed. As if that wasn't the understatement of the year. She was possibly the last kind of wife _any_ mother would want her son to have, even if she was being honest with herself. At least he admitted that to her, though, because she would find it hard to believe if he attempted to convince her otherwise.

"She left the palace because she wanted me to have a best chance at a peaceful life, that didn't involve…schemes or secrets or, well, provoking Huang Ah Ma."

"I imagine that's not working out so well," Xiao Yan Zi said with a slight sigh.

"Not exactly," he agreed.

"Why did you come with me then?" she exclaimed. "You shouldn't have! Now you just make me feel like, if she really wouldn't like me, then it would all be justified…"

"I am sorry if you really feel that way," he said, "because it was not my intention at all. But the thing is, Xiao Yan Zi, my mother also wishes me to be happy. This, she had told me, on more than one occasion. But for a long time, happy was not a word I associated with life in the palace, not until there was you. Even now, I cannot pretend that I am totally in my elements here, outside the palace, but there is a sense of freedom and joy here, despite everything, that I haven't felt for a long time in the palace."

Before, she thought that the only reason he was here was because of his devotion to her, for which she was thankful, but she also always assumed that he would never be able to understand what it was like, living outside the palace, away from the luxuries. She always thought, his life before her had been one perfect picture of freedom from worries, pain and longing. She never expected, as she realised now, that perhaps being outside the palace was as much an escape for him as it was for her.

"To be honest, this life outside the palace, for all its struggles and difficulties, even in these circumstances, is more peace than the palace ever was," he continued. "And if I am to be happy like Er Niang wishes, then I must be here with you. I cannot be happy without you."

She stared at him for a long while, before asking the dreaded question. "Can you be happy without her?"

He was quiet for even longer, then said, "I can never see Huang Ah Ma again, perhaps, but that doesn't mean I will never see Er Niang again. I don't intend to abandon her, Xiao Yan Zi. I _can't _abandon her. Now, I know Fu Daren will do all he can for her, but I will return to her at some point."

He did not ask, but then, by now he should not have to ask. He was here, so she should know how to respond to this, too.

"And I will return with you, if you wish me to," she said softly, placing a hand on the side of his neck.

At that moment, she knew he understood that she had forgiven him. Yet perhaps it wasn't ever a question of anger and forgiveness. All this was more a reminder of how they should have been more open with each other, to trust that no matter how difficult the issue, that they could pull through this together. By now, one would think they have learnt this lesson. In fact, perhaps the more difficult the issue, the less chance they had of successfully dealing with it alone.

"But you should have told me these things," she said.

"I know," he said, leaning into her hand. She let her fingers gently caress his neck. "I wanted to. It's just that…"

He struggled for words, and for the first time ever, looking at his expression now, suddenly Xiao Yan Zi found herself knowing what to say better than he did.

"You've dealt with all of this alone all your life and no matter how sympathetic some people are, they don't understand the whole of it so you don't want to make them uncomfortable by talking about it. You keep it away and try to live on because you don't know how to do anything else."

Yong Qi stared at her, amazed.

A chuckle that was tinged with bittersweet escaped her. She pulled her hand back and looked away from him, lost in thoughts for a moment.

"I told Zi Wei that when you told me this, it feels like I don't know you at all, but now it turns out that maybe I know you, and what it's like to do all this, a bit too well," she said pensively.

Turning back to him, she saw that he was looking at her with eyes full of worry and dread. "I shudder to think that these words are spoken from experience."

Xiao Yan Zi shrugged. So her life experiences weren't the best ever, but she liked to think that without them she would have been a different person.

"No, really, I think I make myself forget, sometimes," he said, "the life you must have led before…I think part of me doesn't want to imagine it, because if I do, I will pull up all sorts of horrible scenarios that I can't bear to think of your going through and how it must be for you, if even you feel the need to hide it all away."

"It was not always so bad," she said, "not much worse than our current situation anyhow."

This was not entirely true, of course. Their lives now were far from the palace, and much closer to her life before, but now she also had companionship, friends and comfort. Those things weren't always available before she met Liu Qing and Liu Hong. And she also had him. She realised, she never appreciated his presence before as much as she did now.

She understood what he was saying, however. They had only ever talked about what the latest scheme was, or there were vague conversations about the future, but the things that happened in their past weren't ever truly part of their conversations before now. It wasn't just he who was withholding information either.

"I guess there are plenty of things about me that I wouldn't tell you unless you asked. I never really asked you about your mother either."

"You shouldn't have to. I am sorry, Xiao Yan Zi. You should have met her long before this. And I know all this is not going to make the eventual meeting any easier."

She sighed. No, it would not. If she hardly dared hope before that his mother would actually like her, she had even less hope now. She could not even blame him for it, because even though he didn't tell her all this, ultimately it was still she who pulled him away.

And yet the entire situation brought on the full significance of his being here more strongly than ever. If she had known all this from the beginning, or at least before they left Beijing, she would never have taken it for granted that he would come with her, always.

"You should not have come with me," Xiao Yan Zi said. "I never would have been so easy about you leaving it all if I had known. Even I understand there's a difference between leaving Huang Ah Ma, the palace and all its riches and leaving your mother."

He sighed and twisted a strand of her hair around his finger thoughtfully for a moment.

"That was part of the reason," he said softly, "when everything got caught together, I hesitated in telling you before we left Beijing. I knew you would not want me to leave with you then, and I didn't want you to feel that I was choosing you over Er Niang."

"Weren't you?" she asked skeptically.

"No. Perhaps circumstances necessitated us to leave Beijing then, but I could never imagine not coming back to her. And I suppose…the thing about my mother being out of the palace for so long, was that there would be no real reason for Huang Ah Ma to make her suffer for what I did, not unless he knew where I was and could make me become aware of that, at least. So perhaps the better solution for her was for me to be away from the direct line of Huang Ah Ma's anger."

"But that doesn't mean you didn't worry. It doesn't mean that you didn't fear there was still that chance…"

"True," he admitted. "But the truth is, I don't think Lao Fo Ye would allow Huang Ah Ma to let his anger take that turn, either."

"Lao Fo Ye would not have allowed Huang Ah Ma to hurt _you_," she pointed out.

"Perhaps not, but Xiao Yan Zi, but Lao Fo Ye would not have allowed Huang Ah Ma to let my grandfather's crimes to have physical repercussions on my mother all those years ago, either, yet she still felt the need to leave. The truth is, I think if there is anyone who understands that sometimes lack of physical punishment can make staying there and bearing the emotional punishments the worst alternative, it would be Er Niang."

She tilted her head at him, not understanding.

"I don't exactly understand what happened all those years ago, with my grandfather. I could look into it, I suppose, but never really wanted to, because it seemed like it would hurt more than it was worth to find out. Besides, the messy politics wasn't really what caused my mother to think she had to leave. Lao Fo Ye liked her, and would not have allowed Huang Ah Ma to really do anything to her. She could not extend that same protection to my grandfather; that was state matters. Lao Fo Ye did not wish for my mother to leave, but she did anyway. _Not dying _doesn't necessarily mean much while you are in the palace, where there could be fates worse than death. I will not deny that Er Niang probably hoped for status and position for me, and to be honest, I can't blame her for that. But most of all, she would want me to be safe and even out here, there is more guarantee of that. Even with people wanting to kill us, perhaps even _considering _there are people wanting to kill us."

Neither of them reminded each other that those people were, apparently, sent by Huang Ah Ma.

"Xiao Yan Zi," he said, "what I'm trying to say is, leaving wasn't an easy decision. I don't regret it, and so I didn't want to put you in a position where you would have wonder whether I did. It doesn't justify not telling you, I know. If I had trouble telling you, it wasn't because I didn't trust you, but because I don't think I trust myself to forgive myself that this is what _I _want. I don't even know if Er Niang would understand, though I did ask Fu Daren to deliver a letter to her, and could only hope that he explained some things to her. I can only pray that she understands then, but until I know, I told myself that I cannot make you go through that feeling of guilt with me."

Xiao Yan Zi just gave him an exasperated look.

"I know," he said, smiling wryly.

She only softened her features, however, reached out and laced her fingers in his, feeling the warmth of his skin against hers.

"I thought I knew before, how much you love me. It occurred now to me that what I thought I knew was just a fraction of it all. And yet I have not been very good to you lately, especially when it came to things to do with Xiao Jian. I am sorry, too, Yong Qi."

"You know I don't think about it like that," he said, shaking his head.

She gave him a look of disbelief. "_Really_?"

"It's silly now, looking back, how worked up I was about Xiao Jian…"

"Looking back, yes," she said, interrupting. "But considering what we didn't know before, it wasn't silly at all. Zi Wei even said…"

"She said what?" he probed when she didn't go on.

Xiao Yan Zi shook her head at her own stubbornness before. "I have no reason to be angry at you for being jealous when I reacted the exact same way about Cai Lian. Really, I should know to not give you reasons to doubt my feelings, let alone blame you for it."

Yong Qi tugged at her hand and pulled her into his arms, resting his cheek against her hair.

"I never doubted you. Nor would I want you to feel that you have to somehow go out of your way to prove your feelings. I had a lot on my mind, and I allowed myself to see things in the worst way possible. I should have known that I needed to confide more in you."

She pulled slightly away to look up at him. "You know, considering we started this trip with the intention of allowing us to spend the rest of our lives together, we've been horrible at actually sharing the things that have been going on in our lives. So how about now, we don't argue for the bigger share of how badly we've been communicating this entire trip and just be glad that we got to this stage without another epic shouting match?"

He smiled at her and brushed a soft kiss on her forehead. "Okay."

* * *

As soon as Huang Shang left, after giving the order allowing Fu Lun to go find the children and tell them of the emperor's clemency, Fu Lun could have collapsed from the relief.

"I never thought the day would come," he told Ling Fei.

"Huang Shang has been missing them for a long time, I think he's just been too proud to admit it," Ling Fei said. "I am glad that he finally came to his senses. This has gone on for too long. His regrets over losing Xiang Fei could never measure up to his loss from losing his children."

"And thank Heavens for that! I should go and make preparations to leave right away."

"Yes, but perhaps before you leave…" Ling Fei looked quickly around to make sure, even if there was no doubt, that Huang Shang was no longer in the room. Then, lowering her voice still, she said, "…you should go let Yu Fei know. But perhaps just don't mention the injuries until we know just how serious they really are."

"Yes, of course," her brother-in-law agreed.


	8. Part VII

**Part VII**

There was, undoubtedly, relief that came with Fu Lun and the news that Huang Ah Ma had forgiven them and now wanted them to return home. It wasn't relief from the fact that their lives were never in danger, either. There was a lot to be said for knowing that Huang Ah Ma never sent people to kill them, and the attempts on their lives had been from an entirely different source of commands.

Yet in that moment, when Fu Lun assumed and implied that they should pack up and return to Beijing with him, it wasn't just Zi Wei and Er Kang who paused. Even Yong Qi was reluctant to leave his current source of freedom, even if there was still an enormous part of him told him he should already be racing back to Beijing to assure his mother that he was all right and seek her forgiveness for causing her so much worry for so many months. Fu Lun had assured that she was unharmed, but that didn't change the fact that he left, and as he worried about her all this time, so must she be about him.

"Perhaps you can give us some time to talk about this, Ah Ma?" Er Kang said.

"Talk?" Fu Lun asked, taken back. It was clear that the idea that even now they were reluctant to return didn't occur to him. "But surely you cannot mean that you still want to stay away, now that Huang Shang has forgiven you."

"Ah Ma, just because Huang Shang has forgiven us doesn't mean that the pain of the last few months go away. Either way, the palace is a dangerous place for Zi Wei and Xiao Yan Zi who never fit in there. Please, just give us some time to discuss this."

Instead of answering, Fu Lun turned, instead, to Yong Qi, as Yong Qi knew he would.

"Wu Ah Ge – "

"You need not tell me to consider my mother, Fu Daren," he said with a bittersweet smile, "I understand."

"Of course," Fu Lun answered with a slight incline of his head. "I did not mean to suggest otherwise. However, I am asked to deliver this to you."

He handed Yong Qi an envelope and Yong Qi knew who it was from before he even took it.

So while Er Kang and Zi Wei went off to talk, Yong Qi went into another room to read the letter. At first, he looked at Xiao Yan Zi in concern, but she gave him a small smile that told him that she understood he needed the time alone to absorb this letter, and she would be waiting until he was ready to talk about it.

* * *

Xiao Yan Zi wandered the gardens in an attempt to pass the time until Yong Qi came looking for her.

So now they were at a crossroad, and not an easy one. The choice now was harder than even before, she thought. Before, they had the excuse of a threat of death to spur them on their current road. There is none of that now.

The palace was now a source of dread. It was not her place and yet it was Yong Qi's. She knew the dilemma that plagued him now, before either of them had even said anything. He could not abandon his mother, and there was no more reason for him to be this far away anymore. No reason except her selfish wishes.

She sighed. She knew what they should all really do, not just her and Yong Qi, but Zi Wei and Er Kang as well. Er Kang stood before the same pressure as Yong Qi, perhaps not entirely to the same degree but still, abandoning his parents now when no threat was made on his life was not something he could take lightly. The four of them faced the same lure of freedom outside the palace, however, and for once, Xiao Yan Zi could not decide which route was the one she was determined to take.

Footsteps behind her made her turn around, expecting Yong Qi, but finding Xiao Jian instead.

"What's happened?" he asked, concern in both his voice and his eyes.

"Oh, don't worry…"

She told him about Huang Ah Ma having forgiven them. A shadow seemed to pass over Xiao Jian's face as he must then understood what Fu Lun was really here for. It was not just to deliver a message. The look on his face told her what she needed to know about what he thought of the possibility of her returning to the palace.

"What are you going to do?" he asked gruffly, sounding like he dreaded her answer.

"I don't know," she confessed. "I – Yong Qi – well, we need to talk about it."

"Where is he?"

"He's got a letter from his mother. He'll come in a moment."

Xiao Jian sighed and said in a softer tone, "He's not going to be able to leave her."

"I know. I don't expect him to. I can't expect him to. It's just – "

Xiao Jian looked at her closely, an expression of wariness on his face.

"I don't want to lose you, either!" she exclaimed. "But how could either of us make that choice?"

There seemed to be an almost calculating silence, before Xiao Jian sighed and said, "You are not going to lose me, Xiao Yan Zi, even if you choose to go with Yong Qi."

She looked at him skeptically. "But you don't want to return to Beijing."

"What makes you say that?"

"Your face is not as subtle as you think."

He was quiet for a moment. Then, "He loves you." There was something like reluctant awe in Xiao Jian's voice as he said this. "I knew, of course that he did when he left the palace to sleep on cold stone floor to be with you, but my appreciation for what he sacrificed increased a thousand times when I find that he thinks being with you is worth being away from his mother, who is left alone and defenseless. I can't even decide whether it's right, but the fact that he thinks you worth it is clear. Obviously it was never easy for him to this. I know emotional burden when I see it."

"So…" Xiao Yan Zi drew out the sound questioningly.

"Do you want to be with Yong Qi, Xiao Yan Zi? Even if he chooses to go back to the palace?"

There was a long pause before she could reply, even if the answer was clear as soon as he asked the question. She expected to be able to allow herself at least a second to think, but the speed at which the answer came startled and scared her.

"Yes," she whispered.

When did it become like this? How did he sneak up on her so that the very idea of life without him was so unbearable to her that she could say this? She still dreamed of freedom, certainly, but since when did freedom and life outside the palace become meaningless without Yong Qi?

It was as if she was realising she loved him for the very first time all over again. She became aware that her hand was shaking and she had to clench them into fists to compose herself.

Xiao Jian nodded, a bittersweet smile denoting a loss on his face.

"Brother, I don't – "

She didn't even know what she was going to say. All she knew that she needed him to know that as much as she needed Yong Qi, she needed him too. She could not make a choice between him and Yong Qi. She did not spend a lifetime looking for a family to have to make such a choice. She could not tell herself that either Xiao Jian or Yong Qi were more important than the other.

(The irony then, of course, was how freely she expected Yong Qi to make such a choice before. She had never been as aware of her own selfishness as she was now.)

"There's Yong Qi," Xiao Jian said, nodding in the direction over her shoulders.

She turned around to see Yong Qi approaching them.

"I will leave you two alone," Xiao Jian said as Yong Qi reached them.

"No, please stay," Yong Qi said. "You matter in this discussion too. And I have a feeling the two of us might just be too caught up in it to even think clearly."

"And I'm not?" Xiao Jian muttered softly, but he stayed.

And yet for a long moment, the three of them could only look at each other, possibly none of them wishing to open up the conversation.

"You don't want to go back to the palace," Yong Qi said finally to Xiao Yan Zi.

"No," she reluctantly admitted. "But you need to."

"Not…necessarily," he said slowly. "Not to the palace, in any case. Beijing, yes."

"_Not _the palace?" Xiao Jian asked skeptically.

"I think we can all agree that the palace is too dangerous a place for you," Yong Qi said, looking at Xiao Yan Zi. "Especially when you don't want to be there."

And yet, Yong Qi should know that she would be there, if that was where he must be.

"I do need to go back to Beijing, to my mother, but we need not stay there, or return to that palace. My mother is not really obligated to stay where she is forever either. Now that we are no longer running away from danger, there is a possibility that she can be persuaded to come with us."

Xiao Jian was still looking disbelieving. "But you would still leave everything else? Titles, position, your father?"

"What do you think I have been doing here all this while if you do not think I am willing to leave the titles and position? As for Huang Ah Ma…he'll survive without me."

"Would your mother not convince you otherwise?" Xiao Jian pressed. "You cannot say she will be thrilled by the idea of you leaving your position and future."

"No," Yong Qi agreed. "But I think I can convince her. Either way, the fact that Er Kang felt he and Zi Wei need to talk about it means that they must not be so overly keen on the idea of going back to the palace either. Xiao Yan Zi does not fit in the palace enough without having to manage it without Zi Wei too."

Xiao Yan Zi could feel Xiao Jian looking at her, but she did not make an attempt to say anything yet. Possibly Xiao Jian needed to hear these words from Yong Qi, but there were things she would need to say to Yong Qi too that perhaps could wait until Xiao Jian was not here anymore.

"You are sure?" Xiao Jian asked when Xiao Yan Zi said nothing.

Yong Qi gave a wry smile. "I didn't exactly just think of all this, you know. But, yes."

There was something strange in the way Xiao Jian was looking at Yong Qi now that Xiao Yan Zi thought wasn't entirely just acceptance. It spoke of a deeper sort of respect that somehow stemmed from a deeper reason that Xiao Yan Zi could not understand.

"Well," Xiao Jian finally said gruffly, "if you could, now, still, bear to give up so much for Xiao Yan Zi, I can't say I could have any objection about her spending the rest of her life with you."

Before Yong Qi could say anything else in response to that, Xiao Jian went on.

"But perhaps do discuss it a little more."

Then, with a wistful smile, Xiao Jian walked away to leave the two of them together.

Yong Qi turned to her and Xiao Yan Zi took a deep breath. Looking up at him, she said reluctantly, but nonetheless sincerely, "You don't have to do this."

"I know," he answered softly. "But I can't drag you back to the palace when you clearly do not wish to return."

"I would return for you."

It was the hardest thing she had ever said in her life but probably also one of the truest.

Yong Qi smiled and took her hand. "Xiao Yan Zi, it is not so different from our plans a day ago. Did we not agree that we would return to my mother at some point? This is just a little earlier than we planned."

"But my brother is right, this is not what your mother would want for you, and she would not wish for you to give up so much for me."

"I know. That is the more reason for us to try and convince her, isn't it? I think, no matter what, she will understand, however reluctantly, that having witnessed the situation between her and Huang Ah Ma, and what unhappiness that caused, I will need you even more. It won't be easy, I know, but I need a chance to convince her of this."

Xiao Yan Zi nodded. If it was only about what she wanted, then at that moment, the idea of returning to the palace was as undesirable as ever.

"It's not going to be the easiest thing to do," Yong Qi said, "but Xiao Yan Zi, I will try everything necessary so that we don't have to go back to the palace. Just promise me one thing."

"I know, I promise I won't steal persimmons anymore," she said sheepishly.

He chuckled. "Not this."

She looked at him questioningly. "What then?"

"After this, no matter how angry you are, you won't say you'll leave me again."

"After what I've just said, that I'd even go back to the palace with you, you still need me to promise this?" she asked, though if she was upset, it was at herself, that she gave him enough reason to feel this insecure, rather at him for asking for such a promise.

He opened his mouth and she swiftly placed a finger on his lips. Surely whatever he said now would just be defensive.

"I promise," she whispered.

He smiled and took her hand, placing a kiss on it. "Then, I also promise that from now on, wherever you are will also be where I'll be."

* * *

In the end, it didn't exactly work out like this.

In the end, Huang Ah Ma himself came to Nanyang to ask them to Beijing. They all tried to hold on to their decisions to not return with him. Yet when faced with Huang Ah Ma and with their affection for him despite their wills, none of them could convince themselves that they could stay away.

As much as Xiao Jian told Xiao Yan Zi that she would not lose him even if she chose to go back to the palace with Yong Qi, hearing his sister negate all the plans they made just a few days before and tell Qian Long she would return with him still hurt.

It would have hurt less, if the reason for her return to the palace was _Yong Qi, _because as reluctant as Xiao Jian was to accept Yong Qi's presence in his sister's life, if there was one thing that he learnt in this entire trip, it was that there would never be anyone who would love his sister as much as Yong Qi.

When he left Dali all those months ago to look for his sister, Xiao Jian had very little idea of what to expect when he would find her. Needless to say, the person he did find and the situation he found her in was possibly the last he would ever want for her, and the last he could ever imagine. Yet of all the surprises that his sister's life managed to bring to his life, perhaps no surprise was greater than the puzzle that was Yong Qi.

It wasn't the fact that Xiao Jian found it difficult to truly hate Yong Qi like his instincts dictated that disturbed him. It was the increasing understanding, as he got to know Yong Qi, that he wasn't a faceless, emotionless figure of a prince that would always be as far away from Xiao Jian's life as it was possible to be (and thus equally far away from his sister's life too). Yong Qi was, as it turned out, a person, with thoughts, feelings and a past, present and future. The more Xiao Jian learnt about Yong Qi, the less he became just as someone associated to Xiao Yan Zi, but as an actual person that Xiao Jian surprisingly related to, and it wasn't only through the need to protect Xiao Yan Zi. There were, at the heart of it, aspects of their lives that were disturbingly similar, which basically boiled down to a family torn apart. Sometimes, Xiao Jian couldn't help but think, for all the physical luxuries that Yong Qi had, Xiao Jian's life was more emotionally fulfilling.

None of these realisations came easy to Xiao Jian, and it took a long time before he could admit to having them and accepting them. Perhaps that was even a reason why he goaded Yong Qi so much, allowing Yong Qi (and everyone else) to continue believing he was in love with Xiao Yan Zi for so long. He was uncomfortable with what he was learning about Yong Qi, and it was as if he couldn't bring himself to be the only one, and would do his best to put Yong Qi through the same amount of awkwardness. He kept expecting that Yong Qi would eventually reach the end of his endurance. He did not _want, _exactly, things to go terribly wrong between Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi, but if it did, at least Xiao Jian would actually then be justified in some uncharitable feelings towards Yong Qi.

It didn't turn out like Xiao Jian expected, though. Zi Wei told him once, if he would keep himself out of Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi's relationship, that they would be able to get through it all together, no matter how serious the difficulties and how large the difference between their situations were. Xiao Jian was forced to admit, even with him making things difficult between them, in the end, their feelings for each other still held strong. In that moment when Xiao Yan Zi recklessly dove between his sword and Yong Qi, Xiao Jian was finally forced to admit that it wasn't what Xiao Yan Zi expressed every day that was indicative of her feelings. It was what she would do for Yong Qi in these decisive, impactful moments that mattered.

And now, here was another decisive moment. Yong Qi was willing to leave the palace with Xiao Yan Zi. Xiao Jian did not for a moment doubt his resolve, not after knowing just how much Yong Qi had given up already to be here with Xiao Yan Zi.

If the case was as simple as they talked about, even if they would have to return to Beijing first to give Yong Qi a chance to make arrangements with his mother, Xiao Jian would gladly do it. But things, as it turned out, as Xiao Jian should have realised by now, was rarely simple around Xiao Yan Zi.

Now, Xiao Yan Zi was turning their entire plan on its head, and wished to return to the palace anyway, for Qian Long, because of Qian Long.

In essence, there was little difference whether she chose to return because of Yong Qi or because of Qian Long, and yet to Xiao Jian, it still _hurt._

So, for a fraction of a moment, he couldn't help but be angry at her, which in turn caused her to lash out at him, throwing his words back into his face: his promise that she would not lose him.

He felt sure he would have told her the truth then about their family, if Er Kang did not stop him and more or less dragged him away.

Even as he told Er Kang the story of his family, however, he understood even more that he had more or less lost every attempt to pull Xiao Yan Zi away from this second family that she had chosen – or that fate had chosen for her.

Zi Wei may put up an act of not forgiving her father for so easily doubting her mother, but she had spent her entire life looking for a father figure. She would not abandon him, not when he was here with an apology and begging her to come back. Er Kang would go where Zi Wei was. In this, Xiao Jian could not blame either of them.

Yong Qi had no reason to convince Xiao Yan Zi to still stay away from the palace when it seemed that she was returning voluntarily. He would not stop her when it was she who spoke the words. Yong Qi had his own loyalties – conflicted as they were – to both his parents, and these loyalties were ultimately better carried out in the position where he was meant to be. In this, Xiao Jian could not blame him either. In fact, if there was anything he was sure he understood, it was loyalty and duties to family, no matter how far away you may physically be from them.

It wasn't just Qian Long that Xiao Yan Zi needed. It was Zi Wei and Yong Qi too. When all their lives and fates were so tangled up and closely intertwined, Xiao Jian should have foreseen this end game from the start.

His adopted father used to tell him, created families were as important as the one you were born with. In the case of the two of them, the families they created for themselves possibly were even more precious and worth holding on to, when their birth family was gone and they could never get them back.

He must accept now this was the family that Xiao Yan Zi had chosen and created for herself, however unwittingly and ignorant of the real circumstances regarding her birth family she might have been. If there was a way to pull Xiao Yan Zi away without breaking her heart, Xiao Jian would have done it. But then perhaps that wasn't really the point.

So in the end, he didn't really need Er Kang's analysis or Zi Wei's earnest emotional advice to know what he would have to give up on. It certainly would never be Xiao Yan Zi's happiness.

* * *

_A/N: Sometimes I don't know how to decide on a single characterisation for Xiao Jian. The way I see it, it can go either way, this Xiao Jian here, or the one I wrote for No Good Deeds... But for this story, I think this calmer Xiao Jian suits more as there is enough emotional drama as it is. _


	9. Part VIII

**Part VIII**

Having arrived back in Beijing, it still took several days before things in the palace settled down enough and Yong Qi found time to visit his mother for the first time in months. Ever since he was allowed to visit her over three years ago, he hadn't gone for so long without seeing her. Now, back in the city, he felt more than ever the burning guilt of knowing that this prolonged absent must have filled her days with worry and fear. Though he knew Fu Lun had informed her when Huang Ah Ma forgave them and asked him to go look for them, he knew she would not rest peaceful until he was before her again.

Yong Qi would have liked to have Xiao Yan Zi with him this time. The visit between his mother and Xiao Yan Zi was long overdue. However, considering he did just cause her months of unwarranted worry, in the end, it seemed more prudent that this first visit back was made alone.

"Oh Yong Qi!" she cried as soon as she saw him. "You are safe! Thank Heaven!"

As he sank down onto his knees before her, and she cradled his head to her, he wished her reaction had been to be angry at him, to scold him, rather than this simple, devastating relief that spoke of how much grief she must have gone through these few months in worry for him.

"I'm sorry, Er Niang," Yong Qi whispered. "I cannot expect you to forgive me for being so unfilial and worrying you so much."

There were many tears (hers) and many feelings and expressions of guilt (his) and even more emotions that eventually made the entire encounter blur somewhat in his memories. Yong Qi only came to realise that his every attempt to _not _worry her before by keeping so many things from her only accumulated in the long run, when she was forced to know of them anyway and he was no longer there to ease her mind.

"…I wish you would blame me more for the pain I've caused you," he said when the emotions have subsided a little to make way for a coherent conversation, and yet all her words so far had been of worry and concern, and not a single one of censure.

"If I reproach you, would it make you regret what you've done?" she asked tearfully.

For a moment, Yong Qi hesitated, then could only answer, "I do regret that it caused you months of anxiety and fret."

"But you don't regret what you did, for itself?"

He sighed. "No. But about that, how much did Fu Daren tell you?"

"Enough to let me know that there were many things you did not tell me."

This was the first sign of criticism she had given him and Yong Qi could not find a way to protest against it. It was true, after all.

"I am sorry," he said sincerely, "I know it can't be an excuse now, but I really thought that I could not worry you. I know it's useless to say that now. I know you would have me follow the rules and demands of the palace to the letter, because it is the safest way to live, and that is what you gave up everything for me. But Er Niang, if there's one thing I've learnt lately, it is that sometimes the right thing to do isn't always safe and easy, and sometimes…risks are necessary if you believe in what you're doing."

"And you thought helping a concubine of the emperor's elope was the right thing to do?" she asked.

Yong Qi knew, of all the things they could be talking about, perhaps this was possibly the most neutral conversation to start on. Perhaps they both needed that. Other subjects of conversations – namely, Xiao Yan Zi – would have to come later. But for now, maybe it was best to start with something that he had most hope she would understand.

"Surely, Er Niang, you understand that a one-sided relationship with Huang Ah Ma only brings pain?" he asked as gently as he could.

She didn't answer, exactly, but the way the shadow of a hurt she had suppressed for years passed over her face told him the answer anyway.

"It is worse, I think, when it is Huang Ah Ma's affection that is unrequited. One day he would have to accept – " Yong Qi just refrained from saying 'just as you did' – "that Han Xiang would never love him back, and then the consequences she would suffer then would be worse than if she had loved him once and lost his affection in time. Every single moment of her life in the palace would just be one long stretch of different kinds of agony. She didn't need to go through all that, not when she was willing to leave, and especially not when the pain Huang Ah Ma suffered from the loss of her would be compensated in other ways and in many ways, has subsided now."

"But you didn't know it would subside. You didn't know you would have this day! Why risk so much for someone so unrelated to you?"

"Because ultimately the life she will lead in the palace will be just as miserable as yours was, even if it is for the complete opposite reason, and I don't think I could bear to see that parallel and not do anything. You made the choice to leave Huang Ah Ma – and Er Niang, you must admit that when you made that choice, it was the unthinkable thing to do as well. Han Xiang deserves the same freedom."

She was staring at him with an expression that he found hard to read. It was as if she was seeing him for the first time. He regretted that in his attempts to keep her worries at bay, he had apparently put up a barrier between them that perhaps had stopped her from completely understanding him.

"I forget sometimes," she whispered, a definite tone of loss in her words, "that you have watched my relationship with your father for all those years, and even if perhaps then you did not understand, you must do now. I suppose I forget sometimes, still, that you have long outgrown my tendencies to protect you from the truth, that perhaps despite that, you have always seen more than I gave you credit for. I wish I could still deny it now, but the truth is, by now, you have outgrown the need for me, and that my fears and opinions could no longer have bearing in your life."

He reached out and took her hand, saying sincerely, "Er Niang, please believe me when I say that none of that is true. Certainly I will never outgrow the need to have you in my life. I know I have not exactly been proving that, with everything I've hidden from you, but all that had been due to my own delusional beliefs that I was protecting you, not because I didn't want your opinion or approval."

She gave him a half smile and, for a moment, seemed to savour his touch, before saying, a tad wearily, "I know. But you need not worry about protecting me, Yong Qi. It is not as if anyone would think of harming me now, here."

There was another prolonged silence, where it seemed both of them were too lost in individual thoughts. It was only broken by Yong Qi, who, even as he said the words, wondered whether he should get into this subject at all, and _why now_…

"Er Niang?" he said tentatively. "This may be too painful, but did you _know_? Did you know when you came to him that Huang Ah Ma didn't _want_ this…arrangement at all?"

His mother looked at him sharply for a moment, but he didn't look away. For a moment, he wondered whether his mother would answer him, or whether she would brush the discussion away.

Over the years, he had managed to learn to see things from both the points of views of his mother and his father. It didn't make the entire thing easier to accept, but it had been necessary for him to be able to still love and respect Huang Ah Ma at all.

"Yes," she said finally, with a tone that bespoke resentment but also resignation. "I knew he had no interest in me whatsoever even from the beginning."

"Then _why?_"

"Lao Fo Ye willed it and the late emperor did saw no reason to oppose it. Even then, it was Lao Fo Ye's will, your father would not have been able to refuse. Even after he came to the throne, he could not do so either. Surely you've realised that?"

Yong Qi had to hold back a sardonic laugh. That was something that he knew only too well, and could only hope he would not have occasion to know more of it in the future.

"If – if you _had _a choice, would you have agreed?"

His mother smiled sadly. "Oh, darling, if there was a matter of choice, it would have been your father's choice, in which case it would never have been an issue at all."

"But you came to love him."

This wasn't a question. Perhaps it wasn't a healthy love, perhaps it wasn't the kind of love that Yong Qi knew now with Xiao Yan Zi, but she did love him. Enough to be jealous by his betrayal, enough to hurt when he turned away, at least.

His mother just shook her head. "I came to feel very strongly for him, emotions that put together, might be construed as love. I craved his attention, as any woman in my position would, I respected his greatness but I also resented him. I knew so little about him yet his fickle attention would be what keeps me going, because I had no other purpose in life."

There was a sort pause, but then the sigh she gave after was not so full of sadness as before.

"Then there was you. You were the greatest joy of my life in the longest time. I think it became a little more bearable when you came along."

"But it was never enough, was it?" he asked.

She didn't answer for a long time, though in the silence, they both knew the answer. How could it have been enough, when as much as she loved him – he had no doubt about that – he was, in a way, a reminder of the affections she would never get from his father? He was her comfort, and by him, she was promoted to higher ranks, and received brief moments of attentiveness, but how would it ever make up for the knowledge that it was not _she_, herself, who triggered it all?

So faced with this, how could anyone expect him to give up Xiao Yan Zi, the only person he was sure would save him from making the exact same marriage that his parents had?

And yet, his mother had also reminded him of one truth – no matter how much Lao Fo Ye may grudgingly accept Xiao Yan Zi now, it didn't mean that in the future, she would not have other ideas of other matches for him as well. Would he be able, then, to do what his father never managed, and refuse? It wasn't just a matter of whether he wished to or not. It was _Lao Fo Ye _and, truthfully, short of running away, there were very few other ways to say no.

Before this entire trip, he had never had Er Kang's hope that anyone in his life would allow him to be content with just marrying one wife, let alone just Xiao Yan Zi. (Er Kang was marrying the emperor's daughter. If he stayed faithful to her and never have any concubines, in many ways, he would be praised. It was the opposite with Yong Qi, and right then, Yong Qi could not help but think it was very unfair.)

The painful truth of his position was that more than one wife was always expected. Perhaps Xiao Yan Zi could be one, but the vague future of _other than Xiao Yan Zi _had always been real, even if he would be in denial about it even to himself ever since she came into his life.

The trip, however, changed everything. Only now was he able to fully appreciate how much had changed in his mind. For a few dangerous yet beautiful months, he had allowed the possibility of _only Xiao Yan Zi _to enter his mind and heart, and the moment it did, he could not make it go away again. He had allowed himself to sink into a dream of a blissful life where he would not need to consider what his position and duties demanded, and indulge in the happiness of just the two of them, together. It was, after all, everything that they would ever need, would ever want. It would have been fine, if they had stayed away from the palace. Now that they have returned, that dream resumed to be a novelty that wasn't his to demand anymore. It never was. And yet how could he give it up now? How could he go back to accepting what the world expected of him, what his duties expected him?

It was all a muddle. It was all too painful to think about. It was something that he should really tell Xiao Yan Zi, to talk to her about, but how could she take it? How could he tell her this?

"Yong Qi? What are you thinking?" his mother asked.

He asked, hesitantly, "Lao Fo Ye wanted you in the palace. Would it have been better if Huang Ah Ma did not bestow you attention merely out of obligation for Lao Fo Ye?"

His mother frowned, apparently not seeing the point of his question. He wasn't exactly seeing it himself, he only knew that this question, and all that pertained to it, had been weighing on his mind for a very long time. Knowing the answer probably helped very little with his current dilemma now, but still, he felt he needed to ask.

He sighed. "The way I see it – and this is not in defense of Huang Ah Ma – and I'm not trying to hurt you, but I'm just trying to work something out."

"Go on."

"For a man – any man, not just Huang Ah Ma – to be forced to marry a woman that he barely knew and was not…attracted to, nor felt affections for, especially when he already has someone he feels for, as Huang Ah Ma _did_, there exists then a dilemma. It is plain what _duty_ dictates, but if marriage is to be based solely on the grounds of duty, of what is expected of you, it will be a very uncomfortable relationship. He must know what he has duty to do, but in reality without affection it is not much more pleasure for _him_. And as you have experienced, the fact that Huang Ah Ma came to you solely on the basis of duty, it hurt you more in the long run, because you eventually realise that he never felt anything for you. Wouldn't it have been better if he never let you on in the first place, never gave you that moment of hope in the first place and spare you the disappointment? If he just made clear his lack of feelings and gave you the chance to accept it and get on with your life, even if you will never get a chance to experience a happy marriage with anyone else? As it is, either way you would not be able to anyway. I realise that in Huang Ah Ma's case and frankly, in most marriages of the court, this is rather…_impractical_ as arranged marriages are so widespread and frankly the times people marry and then find out they don't really like each other are probably more common than love matches. But for the sake of argument, would it be better if you never had hope in the first place?"

His mother was looking at him as if she was not sure what to make of him and what he just said. It was, of course, rather radical and extreme. He had to admit that if every man did what he proposed, many marriages would be little more than two people living the same house which would, frankly defeat the procreation aspect of it. Or maybe on the other hand, it would just abolish arranged marriages entirely which would either be the best thing on earth or just throw society into chaos.

"Are you asking me whether it would have been _better_ if you were never born?" his mother finally asked, stricken.

"Yes, I suppose I am."

"I would not give you up for _anything_, my son," she declared, her voice thick with emotions. No, he didn't doubt that. That was not the issue.

"I am worth the disappointment you suffer when you realised that everything that was between you and Huang Ah Ma was false?"

"You are worth _everything_, Yong Qi. Don't you understand that? Do you really regret your own existence so much?" she asked, voice trembling.

As she cupped his face in her hands tenderly, he was able to look into her eyes and knew that even if he ever did regret his own being, she never would, no matter what pain she had to suffer to have him or afterwards.

"I regret the pain it brought you," he whispered. "And I am terrified of repeating that entire cycle again in my life."

"You cannot be talking of Xiao Yan Zi," she said after a thoughtful silence.

"No, I am talking about future…possibilities, though I do wish to talk to you about Xiao Yan Zi. The point is, even if Lao Fo Ye would accept Xiao Yan Zi wholeheartedly, which, honestly she does not, it would still mean she – and I suppose everyone else – would still have other expectations in the future too. And I don't know if I can just grit my teeth and accept it."

He might have been able to, once, and it would probably not even take that much teeth-gritting. But that was before Xiao Yan Zi. He was a much different person before her. He could not go back and be that person now.

"It does not always have to be like how it was between your father and me, Yong Qi," his mother replied wearily.

"I know," he said softly. "But I think for me, now, there is little else it could be, because I care for Xiao Yan Zi too much to possibly feel even a fraction of that for anyone else."

His mother was looking at him with something like wonder in her eyes. "She means that much to you?"

"Yes."

"I do not know what to say, really, Yong Qi, if that is really how you feel. But the thing you must remember is that, ultimately Lao Fo Ye has good intentions and your best interest at heart."

"I know," he admitted. "Though if I dare say so, some of Lao Fo Ye's concerns regarding Xiao Yan Zi are misplaced and formed on…a very disastrous first impression. It was…I suppose, mostly our fault. The point is, even now, I can see that Lao Fo Ye unwillingly accepts Xiao Yan Zi but she will never accept Xiao Yan Zi as the only person in my life."

"But she accepts Xiao Yan Zi for now anyway?"

Yong Qi sighed. "I think it is more because I have proven that I am serious when I said I would give up everything for her. I do not think Lao Fo Ye realised until I left that I meant it."

"Yes, there is that."

There was definitely reproach in the way his mother answered, that Yong Qi added, "It is not something I can say I rejoice in, or that I am proud of it, Er Niang.I don't go out of my way to disobey Lao Fo Ye, but in this matter, I could not be less headstrong. I do not like it, and have no excuse for it, other than the fact that while I could have accepted the future Lao Fo Ye has in mind for me before meeting Xiao Yan Zi, I can no longer do that now."

She didn't answer right away, but just gave him a long searching look that told him she was hesitating in asking whatever it was that was on her mind.

"Er Niang?" he prompted.

"Would you really have left everything, forever? For Xiao Yan Zi?"

"I did, didn't I? And…to be honest, we nearly decided to not come back to the palace regardless. But then in the end, neither of us could bear to leave Huang Ah Ma, really. It wasn't the palace itself that drew us back."

His mother was looking at him very strangely. It was as if, hearing these words from him like this was finally making it clear to her how much Xiao Yan Zi truly meant to him.

"If you were to have left, it would not had been just your titles and the throne you give up, my son, but – "

" – duty," he finished for her. And there was a lot more hiding behind that one word that he could not elaborate on yet. "_I know_. I am not ignorant of what I would have been trading."

"You would give that up, too?"

"That is not to say I would not spend the rest of my life feeling guilty for it, Er Niang. But I do not think, after I have met her, and known her, that I could ever give Xiao Yan Zi up. She had given me too much for me to ever live without her again. As the palace and the court had only taught me of the vices of human, Xiao Yan Zi had opened my eyes to their virtues. Xiao Yan Zi had never grown up with a family, so as insane as _this_ family is, she embraced it with all its dysfunction. She showed me that there are people in the world who truly cared for each other, though they might not be in any way related to each other. In the middle of all the squabbling and back-stabbing in the palace for power, Xiao Yan Zi would give up her life for the sake of a friend. She showed me that there is hope in the world for actual feelings between people, and that if you reach out to touch someone, change their life, it didn't matter if they could pay you back anything. It was the pure joy of being able to help someone that mattered. When she helped Zi Wei look for Huang Ah Ma, she didn't even think that the girl she swore to be sisters with was a princess and how that could benefit her. She would help everyone she likes and if they were nice to her once, she would pay it back ten times over. Do you know what Huang Ah Ma calls Xiao Yan Zi?"

"What?"

"His fruit of joy, because that's what she is. The palace is a decidedly cold place, but she dares give it life. Lao Fo Ye would call her unruly because she is far from her standard of a demure princess but that's what made Huang Ah Ma love her like he does; she makes him laugh and gives him an affection that is completely free of any other selfish intentions. And to be honest, that is one of the most precious things she had given me, as well."

"Disinterested affection?"

"Yes. She has always seen me for _me, _not for the title. Do you know how rare that is? On all practical purposes, when it all started out, she did have to consider the distance that was between us, not least then because we were supposed to be siblings. But ultimately, what she feels for me is totally free of that. I know she would love me, with or without the title. In fact, for her, my title holds more burden than comfort, for it puts her on a level of expectation that she is neither comfortable with nor will ever meet, not just from Lao Fo Ye. That she would love me _with _it is the more sacrifice. Lao Fo Ye thinks I am losing much by marrying her, but in essence, the sacrifice is all hers."

His mother looked very skeptical to this view, though he supposed it was only natural. No one in their right mind would really consider marriage to a prince to be anything of a loss.

"She is giving up her freedom for this marriage, Er Niang," he said simply.

"What do you mean?"

"Xiao Yan Zi is not made for the palace. Her nature does not allow her to understand the underhandedness and the scheming that goes on there. She might enjoy Huang Ah Ma's affections, but she fairly hates the confines of the palace. Her best desire while being trapped in it was to get out of it. And she could have, once she returned the title to Zi Wei, she could have walked away and never look back. She certainly would not miss the court with its rules and etiquettes that she does not understand. Yet she stayed, and mostly for me, though Zi Wei and Huang Ah Ma were reasons for her to stay too. For Xiao Yan Zi, to bear the court with its protocols is a chore but it is something that she had borne thus far, and willingly returned to, for me. To her, it is the greatest sacrifice of all. I am not fool enough to not recognise that or dismiss it."

"If she is here, then what are you still worried about?"

"I am worried about a future that may not be mine to control. Whether it's Lao Fo Ye or indeed, Huang Ah Ma, they will both have expectations for me, and while I would not shirk away from the duties that awaits me, I am afraid for the demands it would make on Xiao Yan Zi instead."

Yong Qi could not help but notice that she did not even attempt to deny the future pressures he was hinting at. Perhaps it was just as well. Denial had never served him well before.

"But if she cares enough for you, it should not matter, should it?" his mother said instead.

Yong Qi smiled wryly. Such a statement proved that she was still looking at things from a perspective that was biased in his favour.

"Perhaps not, but it is not her selfishness that I fear, but my own. I don't want to see her make such sacrifices, not when I could give her the world and it would not be enough. And she doesn't wish for the world, in any case."

"And yet, sometimes life in the palace is full of sacrifices, for everyone. You know that."

Knowing was one thing. Enduring it was another. As much as he knew, even outside the palace, he would not be able to protect Xiao Yan Zi from every wrong and loss in the world, it was still frustrating to admit it, and even more so in the palace. Shouldn't he have more control of their lives in the world where he came from?

"You know, when Fu Daren came to tell me about what happened," his mother went on thoughtfully, "he told me something that perhaps you may want to consider as well. Those we love will always have their own thoughts and decisions and perhaps the greatest love lies in accepting and supporting those decisions when they are made for all the right reasons. So perhaps what you call sacrifices on her part are her decisions to make, and if she would not regret them, neither should you."

It took a moment for the full effects of such a message to sink in for Yong Qi. There were more layers to what his mother just said than just simply quoting Fu Lun. He knew some part of all of them always knew that Er Kang's parents would always forgive their follies that they had come to take for granted their support, and it never occurred to them how much of their own sacrifice had been made for such support. In turn, that his mother spoke those words now proved that she, too, had come to that same feelings, and as little as she might understand still of his decisions, she was trying to not hold that against him and to be supportive.

He had to admit that it gave him hope regarding Xiao Yan Zi.

"As for your other concerns about possibilities in the future, the truth is I don't know what to say about that, Yong Qi. I cannot say I had much hope that you would ever have a choice in who you married – "

_Neither did I_, Yong Qi thought to himself. Sometimes it really did feel like the liberties Xiao Yan Zi's presence in his life gave were dangerous. If he had never been opened to the possibility of a choice, he would never regret the choice he never had.

" – I always hoped, at least, that you might learn to be happy with what is bestowed upon you. It is not always possible, I understand. I do not know how to advise you to make the best of it because I honestly do not know how. But dearest, you must not worry about repeating your parents' mistakes in your life, if for no other reason than the fact that you witnessed it all, and that you are not your father. And Yong Qi, no matter how much you think you are in control of your life, there will always be obstacles, and they can only be overcome with mutual support with those closest to you. I did not have that, but I see that you do, and perhaps you should think more about that than a future that has not arrived yet."

"I understand what you are saying, I do, and I'm not trying to be ungrateful. I know there are things I have that so many people will never have. I suppose lately I just came to realise that sometimes the things I have are not the things I want, and the things I want are not the things I can ever have."

"Isn't that the case for all of us?" his mother asked with the ghost of a smile.

"I suppose," Yong Qi said. "In truth, I'm not sure why I brought up this entire subject at all, when I knew from the beginning there is little I could do about all this now."

"You clearly have a lot on your mind. Do not think you cannot talk to me about these things, Yong Qi. I would rather you tell me what you are thinking rather than hide it away in some attempt to not worry me. It would worry me more when I learn about everything at once."

He smiled sheepishly. "I see this reminder is not just for the future, but a reproach for the past as well. I am sorry, Er Niang, I did not want to hide so much from you. I suppose I was just scared at how you would react to everything I've been up to, and also how much Xiao Yan Zi was involved in them. I was looking for the right time, but I didn't know how to recognise it when it came."

"And I suppose today is still not the right time?" Her voice was neutral, but what was said was most definitely sardonic.

"Truthfully, no, it is not," he said earnestly. "Er Niang, after everything I've put you through, after the separation I've forced upon us, I thought you deserved to have this reunion with just us. I need to see you alone, to explain first…"

"I am glad, Yong Qi," she said gently, squeezing his hand, "I do not think I would have liked to see you again after so long with someone else in tow. But…I suppose I do need to meet your Xiao Yan Zi at some point."

There was something like a resolute determination in her voice that slightly worried him.

"Next time I come, Er Niang, she will be with me. I know I can't demand anything from you regarding how you might feel about her, but Er Niang, she really does mean the world to me, and I am not above begging you to at least try and like her."

She sighed. "If you would have me be honest, right now, Yong Qi, I cannot say I was overjoyed to hear Fu Daren speak of her, not when it was clear that it is she who caused you to gamble so much and give up so much of the things I always wanted for you. Honestly, the fact that she apparently caused you to risk so much does not particularly endear her to me."

Yong Qi bit back a huge sigh himself, but didn't protest. She had every right to feel like this and right then he could only really blame himself.

"But Yong Qi," his mother said in a gentler tone, "I am not foolish enough to refuse to understand that you care for her, and to dismiss that, as if you are not grown enough to know your own mind. I will not insult both of us by insinuating that she seduced you in any way."

"No, of course not," he said quickly. "She is incapable of that to a fault. If there is seduction, I must say it was I who seduced her."

She shook her head and refused to smile at what, he meant, at least, as a slight jest.

"I admit my instinct is prejudicial. But I will meet her, for you, at least, and I will not antagonise her simply for the sake of it. I just want you to know that I reserve the right to not like her, even if I know that it would not change anything between the two of you."

"I understand," he said. It was, perhaps, as much as he could ask for at the moment. "Please try, Er Niang? Please? I know I didn't do any of us any favours with my denial before, but she means a lot to me, and both of you are very important to me. I do not wish for anything more now other than that you will get along."

She barely smiled and stroked his hair like she once did when he was a child. "I suppose it would not matter over much even if we do not, as our meetings would only be as frequent as either of us want them to be, but yes, I will try, for you."

"It would matter to me," he said with utmost sincerity and seriousness.

"I know, dearest. I do mean it, I will try to meet her with an open mind. But I cannot deny that I do not like the truth that you are no longer only mine, and that I am losing you in another way all over again."

"Oh Er Niang, you are not losing me, you never will," he said, gripping her hand. "Not anymore. And neither would Xiao Yan Zi wish to pull me away from you. The truth is, I did not tell her about you, either, until months after we left Beijing, and honestly she was very angry at me…"

* * *

_A/N: To the Anon reviewer who wondered if this was inspired by Zhen Huan. Yes, and no. I mean, the circumstances and the convent and everything is practically Zhen Huan, yes, but the idea of Yu Fei being alive has been in my head for years. Also, I really hate the trope of the mother who goes out of her way to oppose her son's love for no apparent reason which is so, so prevalent in Asian series (among others) so this is really an attempt to deconstruct/subvert it.  
_

_To the other Anon reviewer with the comment on Zi Wei and Qian Long's relationship without XYZ: I think so too. Basically everything will be very different without XYZ. I highly doubt Yong Qi and Zi Wei would interact much without her, and Qian Long would have a wildly different relationship with Zi Wei as well. _


	10. Part IX

**Part IX**

If the way Xiao Yan Zi was staring blankly at her breakfast and twisting her handkerchief in her lap was any indication, Zi Wei would have to say she was nervous.

Zi Wei didn't think she had seen Xiao Yan Zi truly this nervous before.

"Stop," Zi Wei said, placing a hand on Xiao Yan Zi's.

Xiao Yan Zi just turned to Zi Wei and asked, her eyes wide with nervousness, "What if she doesn't like me?"

Zi Wei wished she could say something soothing like "Of course she would" or "How could anyone not like you?" but in situations like this, mindless reassurances like this was never helpful. Circumstances didn't make this a sure thing either. Something else like "Just be yourself" was equally useless, as, really, Xiao Yan Zi had little idea of being anything else.

There was no advice that Zi Wei could impart from experience on this matter. The circumstances in which she met her future mother-in-law was so different from this, and the situation of Yu Fei and Xiao Yan Zi now was so unique that it was likely that no one could possibly really understand how Xiao Yan Zi was feeling at the moment, let alone tell her something that would put her mind at ease.

So in the end, Zi Wei could only pat Xiao Yan Zi's hand affectionately and urge her to eat something.

* * *

Xiao Jian came with them to Bai Yun Si, and they visited Jing Hui Shi Tai first.

"To be honest, the last time I was here, to ask about you, I didn't leave feeling very calm or happy. It had taken a long time to find where you might be, and then to find out that you may now be the adopted daughter of the emperor, basically in a place that was nearly impossible for me to get to, didn't lift my spirits at all," Xiao Jian said approached the convent.

"Well, everything in that aspect turned out all right now, right?" Xiao Yan Zi asked, and her brother only smiled. Xiao Yan Zi couldn't help but there was some reluctance in the smile.

"I just never thought that as many times I've come here, I didn't know that this was where you grew up. Partly, anyway," Yong Qi said.

"To be honest, I barely remember this place," Xiao Yan Zi said.

"How did you come to be called Xiao Yan Zi?" Xiao Jian asked curiously. "Jing Hui Shi Tai told me that they called you Xiao Ci when you were here."

"That's what I meant, I don't remember ever being called Xiao Ci, or really where I got the current name from. Then again, you know, considering I got into all sorts of trouble growing up and probably hit my head a lot times, there's no telling what else I've forgotten."

The three of them chuckled, though in reality, it wasn't that much of a joke.

"Do you know Jing Hui Shi Tai, Yong Qi?" Xiao Jian asked.

"Yes," Yong Qi replied. "I don't see her too often. The main convent isn't too convenient a place for me to visit too often, but I do come and see her sometimes. She had been very good to my mother over the years."

"She knew about Xiao Yan Zi becoming Huan Zhu Ge Ge. She never asked you about it?"

"No, but then that is not something we ever talk about. I come mostly to thank her for taking care of my mother when I could not and see if I can do anything for her in return. But then, you know, she's a nun, there's not much that she demands. Until this day, the convent still shelter some orphans. If that is something you are worried about, I can assure you that even if Xiao Yan Zi doesn't remember, I think she would have been well-taken care of here. It wouldn't have been a luxurious life, certainly, but she wouldn't have been mistreated here."

"Why did you run away then, do you remember?" Xiao Jian asked Xiao Yan Zi.

Xiao Yan Zi shrugged. "It was the Lantern Festival and I snuck off to see the lights and then I think I got lost. I don't think I ever consciously tried to run away."

They reached Bai Yun Si a little while later, and sought out Jing Hui Shi Tai.

"Wu Ah Ge!" Jing Hui Shi Tai exclaimed. She must have known that Yong Qi was away from Beijing for the last few months and was not yet aware that he was back.

Then, there was what apparently was a practiced ritual where Jing Hui Shi Tai attempted to kneel to Yong Qi, but he refused to allow her to do so – or, as much as he was able, without initiating physical contact.

"Shi Tai, I hope you are well," Yong Qi said cordially.

"Yes, as I am ever. I take it you have already been to see your mother."

"Yes, of course. I came to see her just last week, but you were busy and I did not wish to disturb. But I am not so much here today for my mother, Shi Tai. I hope you remember this gentleman here?" he said, gesturing to Xiao Jian.

Xiao Jian nodded to the nun, and her eyes lit up with recognition. "Ah, yes, you are Fang Daye. You came before to ask me about your sister."

"Yes, and I have found her. I come now to thank you, Shi Tai, for all your help," Xiao Jian said with a deep bow. "You were right when you recognised her as Huan Zhu Ge Ge."

"Shi Tai! I am so glad to meet you! I suppose we have obviously met before, but as I don't remember…I want to thank you for putting up with me…"

Xiao Yan Zi proceeded to talk enough for any further introduction or explanations to be unnecessary.

"I should also thank you, Shi Tai, after everything you've done for my mother, you have also taken care of my fiancée before as well," Yong Qi said.

Jing Hui Shi Tai looked from Xiao Yan Zi to Yong Qi, then finally to Xiao Jian, and said, perhaps a little disbelieving, "The two of you are engaged to be married?...What a small world."

* * *

"Should I be concerned at that look you and Jing Hui Shi Tai just exchanged?" Yong Qi asked Xiao Jian quietly as Xiao Yan Zi and the nun drew away to talk to each other.

"What look?" Xiao Jian asked awkwardly.

"I am hardly blind and I would like to think that I am not unperceptive, Xiao Jian," Yong Qi said with a sigh. "You two know something that we don't."

Xiao Jian definitely looked alarmed now. "Yong Qi – "

"Look, I'm hardly going to be the one to demand that you reveal your secrets before you are ready," Yong Qi cut him off before he could get too defensive. "If this has anything to do with the person who was responsible for your family's deaths then perhaps you would be better off to not put that burden on Xiao Yan Zi."

Xiao Jian gaped at Yong Qi, who chuckled. "You can omit information but you are not that good a liar, Xiao Jian. You are just lucky Xiao Yan Zi doesn't think to suspect anything you're saying to her."

"So you know…"

"That you were not being entirely truthful when you said that your enemy is dead? I'm surprised that not everyone realised. And I suppose considering the significant glances lately between you and Er Kang, he knows too and you have told him. Which would probably mean that Zi Wei knows too."

Xiao Jian waited for a beat, as if expecting Yong Qi to continue. When he did not, Xiao Jian let out a shaky breath. "I should have known. What Er Kang is capable of noticing, then you are too." He looked lost in thoughts for a while. Then, turning back to Yong Qi, Xiao Jian asked, warily, "You are not holding back on what else you've guessed?"

Yong Qi narrowed his eyes. "Why? Is there something else I should be able to guess?"

The momentarily conflicted look on Xiao Jian's face told him that the answer was affirmative. Xiao Jian did not say that, or what it was that he should be able to guess. Yong Qi suspected that if he put his mind to it and think about it, the answer would probably come. But he didn't exactly want to.

"Xiao Jian, as I said, I do not wish to force you to reveal anything you do not want to. But it is obvious there is a reason you took that long to claim Xiao Yan Zi as your sister, for you to have once considered not telling her at all. Reasons for feuds that could lead to destruction of entire families often go back generations that perhaps it is not helpful to dwell on them. You can keep your own counsel or confide in Er Kang, I shall not pry. Perhaps I am too close to Xiao Yan Zi to give you any unbiased insights, I don't know. Perhaps some things are better left unknown."

"Then why bring this up at all?"

"Because I want you to know that I won't be shocked if you ever need me to help you prepare for some other piece of information that will probably change her entire life, again."

Xiao Jian let out a shaky breath and turned slightly away, as if he could not bear to look at Yong Qi then. "I hope that Xiao Yan Zi will never need to know," he said, his voice unsteady. Then, turning around to face Yong Qi again, he continued, "And because of that, you'll forgive me if I cannot tell you either. It would not be fair for me to ask you to not tell her as well."

Yong Qi nodded in understanding.

There was something about the entire conversation that felt like it should go on, but at that moment, Xiao Yan Zi bounced back to them and both were forced to leave off the conversation where it was.

* * *

Later, as Yong Qi took Xiao Yan Zi to see his mother, and Xiao Jian was left to make his own way back to Hui Bin Lou, Jing Hui Shi Tai approached him before he could leave.

"I should not even ask, it is hardly my business, even less so considering who I am, but your sister is really going to marry Wu Ah Ge?" she asked him.

"Yes," he sighed. The last time he had come to this place to ask about his sister, Jing Hui Shi Tai had told him that the nurse who took Xiao Ci to Beijing and left her here at the convent had explained to Jing Hui the full of the Fang family's tragedy, to justify to the nun why the infant was being left in their care at all. Jing Hui, as far as Xiao Jian knew, had not told anyone else, but she understood, as Xiao Jian did, the dangers that lay in Xiao Yan Zi marrying Yong Qi.

"For he, himself, I cannot fault him," Xiao Jian said wearily. "Perhaps there will never be anyone who would be as good to her as he is. That is why I am cannot oppose them."

"Then they do not know?"

"No, and they cannot know. Perhaps it is for the best. The last time I was here, you advised me to let go of any thoughts of revenge. I resented such advice then, but I must say that you are not the first person to give it. Perhaps only she will be the strong enough impetus."

"_Amituo Fo_," Jing Hui Shi Tai said. "If you have come to such realization, then I am thankful for you. I pray that your resolution stays firm for you."

* * *

The cottage where his mother lived was separate from the main convent by a winding mountain path, though it was still technically on the grounds of the convent itself. Yong Qi took Xiao Yan Zi's hand as they walked down that path. The warmth of his hand, and the comforting squeeze he gave her calmed her somewhat, but he probably could not miss the way she had to take deep breaths to calm herself. Once, he turned to her and smiled, raising their clasped hands up to kiss the back of hers.

"Nervous?"

"Aren't _you_?" she asked.

"Somewhat, yes."

They were about to turn a corner, when Yong Qi suddenly gripped her hand tighter and stopped them both.

"What is it?" she asked.

"Shush," he whispered, tensed, and seemed to be listening to something, looking up the rows of trees of either side of them.

For a moment, there seemed to be nothing but the sounds of the forest: rustle of leaves in the wind and birds overhead. Then, suddenly, Xiao Yan Zi only had time to notice a few birds flying startled out of their nests in the trees, the clanging sounds of swords being drawn from metal sheaths and a very different rustling sound – that of wind rushing through fabric as men trained in martial arts jumped out of trees. Just as fast as all these details assaulted her senses, Yong Qi had pushed her down towards the ground and a steel blade cut through the air where her head had been a moment earlier.

Xiao Yan Zi rolled to a crouching position in time to see Yong Qi wrestle the sword from the assassin who had attempted to chop her head off, while trying to stop four other from doing the same to him. When he did get the sword, instead of actually using it, however, he threw it towards her instead ("Xiao Yan Zi! Catch!") as she rushed to his aid. For a startled moment, Xiao Yan Zi nearly let it fall, and only managed to grasp it by the tips of her fingers.

"But - " she only managed to start to protest, because the action left him unarmed, before having to bring the sword up to catch another blade that was sweeping towards her face.

"Just take it!" Yong Qi ordered as he spun around to grapple with the arm that was attempting to bring a sword down on her back. Xiao Yan Zi could only feel his movements and hear the sounds of fabric and steel behind her and hoped that he managed to get that second sword for himself as well, but could not be sure…she was trying to not get killed herself.

There was no time to wonder to each other where the men had come from, or to form articulate thoughts that would remind them of exactly why this attack seemed suddenly so familiar, from the black-clad, masked figures to the ruthless way they were attacking, which would mean they were not simple mountain bandits but assassins.

Breathless thought in the back of her mind: _bandits would not bother to rob near a convent anyway._

Coherency made way for instincts and streams of words that run together in her head. No time to breathe, let alone think.

_You have a sword. Use it. Even if it is just to slam the handle into the attacker's face and make him howl as his nose bled. Thrust. Twist. Move! Don't lose focus. Yong Qi will be fine…he will…_

Strands of her hair had come lose, there was sweat trickling down her forehead, and she had to shake her head to keep the saltiness out of her eyes.

_Sneak a glance at your back…Yong Qi is not hurt yet, he's armed, he's doing fine…ARGH! Great, now you've let someone sneak up on you from behind. No, no, no, Yong Qi, don't worry about me…don't lose focus…what if…Bite the hand that is covering your mouth not letting you scream, stomp on his foot, elbow him the ribs, twist around. Bring your knee up, hard! That's him down, hopefully for a while…_

Somehow, some time, the commotion had apparently brought two women running towards them in panic from the cottage around the bend. She only vaguely heard Yong Qi shout for his mother to stay back – _away! _That one of them was his mother was barely registering in her head (_Not the plan!_) as another sharp blade grazed her cheek. _Blood._

"Yong Qi!"

"Wu Ah Ge!"

"NO!"

_Who was shouting what? At whom? _

There was suddenly another figure flying into the throng, and her heart seemed to stop for a second – they were outnumbered as it was – but no, it was Xiao Jian! Xiao Jian! Her brother! His sword came just in time to stop an attacker flinging his sword towards Yu Fei. Out of the corner of her eyes, she saw Yong Qi sagged in relief for a fraction of a second. But then he was busy again and she was busy again…

It was easier with Xiao Jian's help. They were no longer so outnumbered now. Yong Qi had moved so that he could protect his mother while knowing that Xiao Jian was watching Xiao Yan Zi's back.

Soon, it was over, and their attackers have fallen – not dead, but injured enough to not be able to move.

Yong Qi had turned to face his mother and to reassure her, but –

"_Yong Qi_!"

The voices were hers, Xiao Jian's, Yu Fei's, as one of the men managed to struggle up and took advantage of Yong Qi's turned back to drive a sword towards him –

- Xiao Jian was too far away -

- there was a scream, she wasn't sure whose. It could have been hers.

Yong Qi had twirled around, but it was not fast enough. He brought an arm up to block the blow, but still the sword made contact and there was no clang of metal…only the metallic smell of his blood as it trickled down his sleeve...

Her entire body seemed to move of its own accord. She lunged forward, barely even aware of how tight her grip on her weapon was. It was brought down – she had no way of directing the blade except where it would go –

For a second, she stared at the man who collapsed in front of her. Not dead. Not yet. Still breathing.

Her own breath sounded like thunder in her ears. Yet there was no time to worry about anything else.

"Yong Qi!"

The sword in her hand dropped with a thud to the ground as she ran towards him –

* * *

Xiao Jian surveyed the mess in front of him. All five assassins were now injured enough that they could not possibly move to attack any longer.

Xiao Yan Zi was up ahead, gripping Yong Qi's injured arm, apparently unaware of the cut on her cheek. Xiao Jian himself received a nick on his hand but it was shallow and would heal soon enough. Yong Qi's wound would be deeper.

"Xiao Yan Zi, I'm all right," Yong Qi was saying. Then, turning to the older woman who had ran to him as well, he said, "Er Niang, really. Er Niang, this is Xiao Yan Zi."

Both Xiao Yan Zi and Yu Fei seemed too concerned and shocked at the turn of events to do more than stare at each other, nod and Xiao Jian was sure there was an incoherent greeting in there from his sister…

_Well, this meeting was anything but calm, but then you know how the saying went about best laid plans…_

"Where did they come from?" Xiao Jian asked.

"No idea," Yong Qi said.

The group of them turned around. Xiao Yan Zi was staring, wide-eyed, at the man that she managed to stab. He was alive still, but if Xiao Jian could judge by sight alone, he probably would not live with that wound. Perhaps it was best to not let Xiao Yan Zi know that. The look in her eyes was enough to show him that however enthusiastic about martial arts she might be, she had never felt the sword in her hand tear through flesh like paper and draw blood in a fatal wound before.

Either way, that was not the thing to worry about then.

Eventually, it was decided that Yu Fei, Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi went to the cottage to clean up his wound. Xiao Jian was not overly worried – it was deep indeed, but not fatal, and by the time Yong Qi got back to the palace, he would have access to the imperial physicians who would bandage it properly anyway.

Xin Yu, Yu Fei's companion, headed towards the convent to let Jing Hui Shi Tai know what had happened.

Meanwhile, Xiao Jian would head down the mountain and to find Er Kang, to arrange for the removing of the assassins and eventual interrogation of any who would live to talk about who sent them.

* * *

An Ran was beginning to see what Yong Qi meant by the time never seemed right to introduce Xiao Yan Zi to her.

This was not how An Ran wished to meet Xiao Yan Zi either.

What she told Yong Qi before had been sincere. While she had no real urge to greet Xiao Yan Zi with open arms, she did understand that it take heavy weight off Yong Qi's heart if she could. That he loved her was clear, and though An Ran might never have the fortune to feel such things, she was also not foolish enough to assume that Yong Qi could not. The fact that he could and he did should be a relief to her, because what he saw between her and Huang Shang would have been enough to make anyone else look at the entire concept of love with the most cynical eyes.

So for her first glimpse of her future daughter-in-law to be in such a scene, it was beyond unsettling, especially when now, any attempt at conversation and actually getting to know Xiao Yan Zi must make way for attending to Yong Qi first. It seemed that Xiao Yan Zi, too, was for the time being, more concerned with the wound on Yong Qi's arm that was currently wrapped in her handkerchief to staunch the blood, to do much talking to An Ran. An Ran could not fault her at this, even if logically she knew the wound wasn't life threatening. Thus, for the short walk back to the cottage, it was Yong Qi that did most of the talking – or really, reassuring them both that he was fine.

When they arrived, An Ran left them sitting outside while she went inside to get bandages and salve for the wound. Still, through the open doors and the thin walls, she could hear them talking.

"I'm beginning to think you can't really adequately meet someone significant in your life without someone getting hurt or injured," Yong Qi was saying, though the tone of his voice clearly indicated that he was teasing.

There was a huff from Xiao Yan Zi. "It's not as if I do it on purpose."

She must have made some silent indication of concern after that, because Yong Qi said, somewhat exasperatedly, "Xiao Yan Zi, for the last time, it's fine. I'm not going to die from this wound."

"That's not the point! The point is clearly these men weren't random and clearly they were trying to kill us!"

There was a short silent, then Yong Qi said, "From the way they were attacking, I think, more accurately, they were trying to kill _me._"

An Ran could not help a horrible shiver – either at what Yong Qi said itself, or the matter-of-fact way that he said it.

"Isn't that the same thing?" Xiao Yan Zi said softly.

Involuntarily, at the sentiment, a surge of appreciation for her rose in An Ran. Perhaps for all that she had acknowledged Yong Qi's feelings for Xiao Yan Zi, An Ran had never truly stopped to consider all that Yong Qi and Fu Lun had been saying about Xiao Yan Zi's feelings for him. It was hard to imagine Xiao Yan Zi as an actual, complex person when she was only a name, and now, An Ran suddenly realised she would have to consider her thus – the woman who loved her son, yes, but also a person, one perhaps, who wielded a sword and frankly right now was confusing to her, but a person nonetheless. Whether An Ran liked her or not, she would have a corresponding emotion to feel. And perhaps, why did it only matter whether An Ran liked Xiao Yan Zi or not? Would not the fact whether Xiao Yan Zi liked An Ran be just as important to Yong Qi? A relationship was a two way road, after all.

She had missed the next strand of their conversation, which was softer now, but her attention returned to hear:

"Xiao Yan Zi, it's been fine." Yong Qi's voice indicated that he wasn't talking about the wound anymore. Perhaps his hand was placed on hers in comfort, but An Ran wouldn't know unless she came outside.

"This is important to you. I do want – "

"I know. You're doing fine."

"Really? This wasn't how it was supposed to go."

"And when did our plans go accordingly? Just – "

"If you say 'relax' or 'be yourself', I will punch you, regardless."

Yong Qi's laugh reminded An Ran that she needed to get out there before they started wonder what was taking her so long. As she did, one other thought occurred to her: such unaffected joyful laughter – despite the circumstances – was not something she recalled hearing from Yong Qi very often.

* * *

Outside, An Ran saw that Xiao Yan Zi had drew some water from the rain water urn in the corner. Yong Qi's sleeve was rolled up to his elbow, and Xiao Yan Zi was wetting the handkerchief to wash away the blood on his arm. Before she could, however, he took the handkerchief away from her and, despite her protest, gently held it to her grazed cheek.

"Don't worry about that, I don't even remember – " she said but for a moment, did not seem too eager to make him draw his hand away. "It's not as if I haven't had worst scrapes."

He smiled at her and wiped away the track of dried blood on her face. "You need to put some salve on that otherwise it'll probably scar."

"Why, would you not want me anymore if it does?" she muttered.

"Silly thing, you are."

An Ran stood in the shadow of the cottage and for a moment, took in the tableau in front of her. She wondered whether Xiao Yan Zi realised the tenderness that was shining in her eyes as she looked at Yong Qi now. An Ran saw, too, the undisguised terror that appeared in Xiao Yan Zi's eyes as Yong Qi was attacked and the instinctive way she reacted – most likely even killing the assassin in the process. When did became so that the person to stand between Yong Qi and a sword was not An Ran? When did it become Xiao Yan Zi's place instead?

She took a step outside and her approach made them both turn to her. Yong Qi slowly drew his hand away from Xiao Yan Zi's face and handed her back the handkerchief, which she dropped back into the brass basin holding the water before standing up.

"Xiao Yan Zi pays respects to…Yu Fei Niang Niang," she said, kneeling down as An Ran came to stand before her. She hesitated clearly before the title before apparently throwing caution to the wind and just plunging on. An Ran let it go, because it was too complicated to try and figure out what else Xiao Yan Zi should call her right then. She was not sure she could bear to hear "Er Niang" from anyone but Yong Qi just yet.

An Ran glanced for a second over at Yong Qi, who was watching the two of them with a half-smile. Catching her eyes, he gave her an earnest, pleading look.

She reminded herself that Xiao Yan Zi just did practically kill someone to save Yong Qi's life. Putting the box with the medicine and bandages in her hand down on the table, she leaned down and placed a hand on Xiao Yan Zi's arm, tugging her up to her feet. "Stand up."

Xiao Yan Zi stood and looked at An Ran with an anxious, but hopeful, smile. An Ran found herself, inexplicably and not entirely consciously, smiling back. She wasn't entirely sure what brought it on, though granted, she was hardly forcing herself to remain somber-faced at all costs. The smile did make Xiao Yan Zi look slight more relaxed and less like she was expecting perhaps an axe to drop down on her. Likewise, Yong Qi looked relieved.

The next several minutes passed in focus on the wound on Yong Qi's arm. Only when both An Ran and Xiao Yan Zi were satisfied and were assured that Yong Qi would have the imperial physician look over the wound as soon as he arrived in the palace, did they turn to the matter at hand.

"Who would dare send assassins after you?" An Ran asked, her voice trembling with concern.

For a moment, Yong Qi looked like he would rather not approach the subject at all. Then, it was Xiao Yan Zi who muttered furiously, "Huang Hou."

"Xiao Yan Zi – "

"Who else?" she demanded, her eyes fierce.

"You don't have proof of that – "

"So some random people just appeared out of thin air and decided to kill someone they did not know, did they?"

There was a beat in which Yong Qi sighed and gave Xiao Yan Zi a significant look. "I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm saying you don't have proof."

Xiao Yan Zi opened her mouth to retort like it was instinct before she realised what he just said. When she did, she closed her mouth again, but looked even more disturbed. Then, "Well, isn't that what you and Er Kang would try and find out with interrogating them?"

"If any of them live – or if they don't kill themselves before we could ask them anything, which would not be impossibility. The point is, you cannot go around flinging accusations like that – "

"Even when they're true? And when this isn't even the first time?"

"Yes, exactly, and_ because _it isn't the first time!"

"WHAT? How does that make sense?"

"Xiao Yan Zi, the people who attacked us in Luoyang, if Fu Daren knew to imply who sent them, do you not think that Huang Ah Ma knows as well? Yet he has done, apparently, nothing except probably give a warning. Is that not clear enough?"

"Clear – right, so what you're saying is that Huang Ah Ma would practically turn a blind eye to people killing us…you…"

"No, that was _not _what I meant."

Xiao Yan Zi gave an exasperated look. "What then?"

They have, apparently, forgotten An Ran was still beside them, listening. They have, definitely, left her very much behind in the conversation. The mention that this wasn't the _first _time someone tried to kill her son filled An Ran's heart with fear. Yet, clearly Yong Qi was too caught up in the argument to realise that she did not know this, and if she brought attention to it, it was likely that he would clam up and not tell her anything, so she let them argue it out…she would get more information that way.

(The fact that Xiao Yan Zi would so easily raise her voice – granted, in concern – and get into such heated debate, and the very accepting and almost expectant way Yong Qi joined in showed that this bickering was probably normal occurrence to them. To her, it was made things curiouser and curiouser.)

"She is Huang Hou, the nation's mother!" Yong Qi said, lowering his voice. "Without extreme reasons, Huang Ah Ma would not and could not just get rid of her or lay serious consequences on her person! There would be too many consequences both in and out of the palace!"

"And the fact that she's trying to kill you isn't extreme enough?"

"We do not have proof – "

"What if there was proof?"

"Even then, clearly none of us are dead!"

"So you want to wait until she succeeds for Huang Ah Ma to do anything? How clever is that? And why would you even want to not get to the bottom of this?"

"Do you really want Huang Hou to _die, _Xiao Yan Zi?"

There was a shocked pause, as if Xiao Yan Zi only just now realised what the entire conversation was supposed to be about. "Well, _no, _but I do want her punished, or at least not be able to harm us anymore! Why are you so eager to protect her?"

Yong Qi didn't seem too keen on answering right away. Then, proving that he was aware that An Ran was still present, his eyes darted to her once, before turning back to Xiao Yan Zi. "It is not her I wish to protect," he said quietly.

"Who then?" Xiao Yan Zi demanded.

Another very long pause. Then, "Shi Er Ah Ge."

Xiao Yan Zi opened her mouth to speak again, but then apparently feeling the impact of his words. Her expression softened for a moment, before turning aggravated again. "He would be better off without such a mother."

"You can go convince a nine-year-old boy that," Yong Qi said flatly.

At this, it took a moment for the words to sink in with Xiao Yan Zi, but when they did, her expression immediately turned to concern and sorrow. It was probably clear to Xiao Yan Zi as it was clear to An Ran what exactly Yong Qi was talking about, and it was only half bout the Twelfth Prince.

"_Yong Qi_," An Ran said in an anguished voice, placing a hand on his arm.

"I do not mean to blame you," he said softly.

"I know," she said, but that didn't mean she didn't feel the pain of it. This was as much as he ever allowed himself to express to her what her departure all those years ago must have done to the fragile heart of an eight-year-old.

Before either she or Xiao Yan Zi could say anything else, however, Yong Qi shook his head. "Besides, none of that is the pressing issue right now."

"What is?"

Yong Qi turned to An Ran. "Er Niang, it's no longer safe for you here. You cannot possibly stay here after this."

She could see where his concern stemmed from, but was it really likely that as soon as he was gone from here, that anyone would even pay the remotest attention to her any longer?

When she expressed this view to him, Yong Qi said, "Er Niang, please, I cannot risk it. Before, when this place has been left alone, I could feel that you are at least a little safer here, but now no longer. I cannot take the chance that someone could use you to get to me."

"Niang Niang, Yong Qi will not be easy until you are safe, and we can't be sure that this is the place anymore," Xiao Yan Zi spoke up finally.

"I can take you somewhere else safer. Please, Er Niang."

Before An Ran could answer, however, there were sounds of footsteps behind them and they turned around to see Fu Er Kang and Xin Yu approaching them.

"Er Kang!" Yong Qi said. "Well?"

Er Kang turned to An Ran to greet her before answering Yong Qi. "I've had the assassins removed from here; mostly they are still alive, we'll see if we can get anything out of them. But I think for now, Niang Niang, that you vacate this place."

"I concur," Yong Qi said, turning to her again. "_Please_, Er Niang."

"Very well. But where – "

"Hui Bin Lou," Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi said at the same time, looking at each other.

"Or, Xue Shi Fu, if you'd prefer," Er Kang said. "Seeing as Hui Bin Lou is still being repaired."

Yong Qi hesitated for a moment, before saying, "No…I know you and your family will be more than willing, but that is going into a different realm of complications – "

"We've sheltered a lost princess _while _hiding a fake princess's identity from the emperor all from our home before, and you think _this _is too complicated?"

"You know what I mean, Er Kang," Yong Qi said with a sigh. "Hui Bin Lou will be fine. The repair is only in the front parts of it."

Then they proceeded to explain to An Ran that Hui Bin Lou was a restaurant and inn owned by their friends. In the end, she had to admit that their plan were sensible, and that she would only be in danger by staying here. Even if there were actually no danger, it would only serve to worry Yong Qi. So to Hui Bin Lou she would go.

* * *

_A/N: I know, I know…but it's Xiao Yan Zi. Were you really expecting a nice, calm, peaceful meeting of handshaking and "how do you do"? :P_

_I am aware that I'm taking my time about having them speak to each other though. It will come :D_


	11. Part X

**Part X**

They arrived at Hui Bin Lou soon enough, and found Xiao Jian had already been back and explained to Liu Qing, Jin Suo and Liu Hong what happened. After reassuring their friends that they were all not further injured, and explained the current situation and the need for a place to stay for Yu Fei and Xin Yu. Yong Qi did not need to so much as make the request before Liu Qing had made the offer.

Soon after that, Er Kang and Yong Qi left to deal with the assassins. Xiao Yan Zi was sure Yong Qi did not really need to go, and Er Kang could have handled it adequately himself (it was his job, after all). However if the look Yong Qi gave her was an indication, there was purpose in his leaving – he was giving her a chance to actually talk to his mother, without him around. The idea was simultaneously necessary and terrifying.

Yet it wasn't as if Xiao Yan Zi could really avoid it. Even though she and Yu Fei had been known to each other for half the day, they had not exchange many words, and a more meaningful conversation was warranted. It was just that Xiao Yan Zi both wanted Yong Qi to be present, and then also not. Perhaps she should just take it one at a time. Conversation with Yong Qi present as well would come soon enough in time.

So when it came down to it, Xiao Yan Zi volunteered to show Yu Fei to her room. There was no point of hiding from anyone else the fact that there was more reason than just helping Yu Fei get settled in that brought on this offer.

The short distance to the room was made in silence, partly because Xiao Yan Zi was sure everyone else was looking as they went, most likely with sentiments of hope for her, but probably also with concern and nervousness as well. The silence wasn't awkward, exactly, it was just that Xiao Yan Zi felt like she should break it but did not know how.

It was as if, for the first time, did she realise in whose company she was. This was Yong Qi's mother, who was as important, if not more important than her, in his life. Xiao Yan Zi didn't think she had ever felt so desperate for someone to like her as she did now.

Yet the enormous, terrifying question still hung above her: _what did _Yu Fei think of her? She once thought that it didn't matter what people thought of her in the palace, as long as she had love from people who mattered most – Yong Qi, Zi Wei, Huang Ah Ma – then it would all be well. It didn't matter if people she didn't care about didn't care for her either. However, Lao Fo Ye's displeasure with her had begun to prove that mindset to be painfully wrong. Whether she cared for the people in his life at all, they would have an opinion of her nonetheless, and sometimes some of those opinions meant a great deal, even if they would rather it was not so.

She did want to like Yu Fei, though, and more importantly, for Yu Fei to at least accept her. As far as she and Yong Qi had managed to come, Xiao Yan Zi didn't think she could bear it if, now, there must be another obstacle in their way, and in such a way that would probably cause Yong Qi the most discomfort and pain.

Still, it didn't help that Xiao Yan Zi really had no idea what she should call her. After that entire disaster with Lao Fo Ye and _Nai Nai_, she did not think she was brave or presumptuous enough to utter the two words _Er Niang _before she was invited. She knew, at this stage, it was two words that were reserved for between Yu Fei and Yong Qi alone, no matter how, since she was marrying Yong Qi, it would technically be the correct title to address Yu Fei with. She had gambled a lot to call her Yu Fei Niang Niang up till now, though she was sure that the title could not bring her any comfort. Still, Yu Fei had so far made no attempt at correcting her, even if she did look rather resigned when hearing the words. Surely _Yong Qi _would have found a way to stop her if the title was entirely undesirable and there was something better to use?

These thoughts occupied her until they went into the room together, and Xiao Yan Zi set down on the bed the bundle of Yu Fei's things that they had hastily gathered when leaving Bai Yun Si.

When she turned around, Yu Fei indicated the tea table and chairs in the middle of the room. "Let us sit, first."

Xiao Yan Zi obeyed and sat with Yu Fei. On the table in front of them was a pot of tea, kept warm with a tea cosy. She was sure, knowing Liu Hong and Jin Suo, that the tea would be fresh, and she was not foolish enough to wait for Yu Fei to _serve _her. As she poured a cup and offered it to Yu Fei, her mind returned to the recent two days it took for Ling Fei to fully explain to her and Zi Wei how all the ceremonies in the wedding would go, and what they were to do. She vaguely remembered, too, that the day after the wedding, she would have to offer tea to the senior matriarchs of the family – which clearly in the palace involved Lao Fo Ye and Huang Hou (now that was not something she looked forward to, at all), but should really involve Yu Fei as well.

She looked up to see that Yu Fei was looking at her with a curious expression, which only served to make her feel self-conscious. Suddenly she realised what a mess she must look, from the first moment Yu Fei lay eyes on her. It was, perhaps, not as bad as when she met Lao Fo Ye, and granted, she was fighting for her life earlier, but still, the entire situation made her want to cringe. They should just stop making plans, because plans only ever seemed to be like tempting fate to make everything go wrong.

"Truthfully, I have expected Yong Qi to be married by now, or at least, if he were engaged, for me to have met his fiancée long before now," Yu Fei said.

Xiao Yan Zi felt her face heating up, and a defensive answer was almost on her lips before Yu Fei went on.

"I will not blame you for what Yong Qi would tell neither of us."

Xiao Yan Zi found it difficult to answer, which in itself was a strange thing, because she always had the tendency to ramble before when in these nervous situations. Now, she could think of nothing to say. Perhaps that was a good thing, then at least she wouldn't be saying anything wrong.

"You are not exactly what I expected," Yu Fei said.

Xiao Yan Zi just managed not to wince because, _what did that mean? _

There was a lengthy silence, when neither of them said seemed to be willing to continue the conversation. Xiao Yan Zi glanced up and saw that Yu Fei was smiling at her, but it was mysterious smile that didn't exactly comfort. She wondered whether Yu Fei was unnerving her on purpose.

"It is strange, because I think everyone in Yong Qi's life, and myself included, would always have a preconceived notion of what makes a prince's wife, and yet you do not seem to fit at all."

The direction this conversation was heading was not doing anything to calm Xiao Yan Zi at all.

"I should expect beauty, but I have seen girls more beautiful than you. I should expect grace and gentleness but I do not think the words suit you at all."

Xiao Yan Zi had to hold back laughter, despite everything. _Grace _and _gentle _were never words to be associated with her. As far as feminine descriptors went, possibly the only word she could settle on may be _sweet _and even then, not always.

"I will own that it disturbed me a great deal that I had to learn about you from Fu Lun, of all people, and that Yong Qi had so many chances to tell me about you before but he did not. You must understand that it worried me, especially when this person I did not know, that he did not tell me about, in the end, had so much influence on him to make him give up so many things in his life."

"I am sorry," Xiao Yan Zi exclaimed hastily, wishing to let Yu Fei know what she was about to say before Yu Fei could misunderstand. Though granted, if there was misunderstanding, perhaps it had happened already. "I – If I had known about your situation before we left Beijing, truly I would never have let him leave with me. I don't know how to convince you of this, but honestly I would never have dreamt of pulling him away from you."

Yu Fei's expression to her earnest plea was unreadable. She merely answered, "And yet you did pull him away from everything else."

Xiao Yan Zi took a deep breath. She supposed she could not blame his mother for this censure (though, truthfully, judging by Yu Fei's tone of voice, it was hard to tell that it_ was _censure). Even if the palace and the luxuries in it meant nothing to her and Yong Qi, to Yu Fei it mean her son's safety and security, and all that she had sacrificed for him to have it all.

"My only defense is that then, we thought my life was in danger. I know it might not justify much to you, since his never was. I – I am selfish enough to want him with me. I suppose, in the back of my mind, I always assured myself that even if he were to leave, his family in the palace would not be physically harmed. It should not matter, I know, when they will suffer emotional losses and maybe that should be even more serious. But…the thing is…in my entire life, I've had few people who cared for me enough to the point where they would suffer a deep emotional pain at the loss of me, and for me to feel that in return. I have friends, surely, but I am still not used to someone putting me first, so unconditionally, as Yong Qi does and I admit I am terrified to lose him…"

She had no idea where all this was coming from. It was as if the words flowed from somewhere deep inside her and only when she expressed them out loud that she realised she had these thoughts at all. However, there was little doubt in her that these words were sincere and she needed to let Yu Fei know. It may do little to appease Yu Fei's views of her, but Yu Fei's impressions of her was for so long made through kept secrets and veils that now was the time, it seemed, for undeterred truths.

"But please believe me, if I had known by coming with me, he was leaving you vulnerable and unprotected, I would never have been able to bear it. I see enough of how other women in the palace suffer for Huang Ah Ma's vices, and it must be a thousand times worse for you. I would never wish to take away your only comfort and protection."

She looked at Yu Fei desperately, hoping that she could understand. Not right away, not now, perhaps – because Xiao Yan Zi's own emotions was making her head muddled as it was – but some day…

_She _had never had a mother, and would give up practically anything to have one. From the way she heard Yong Qi talked about his mother – and even from all the things he would not say – she knew that he felt the same: he would give up everything, too, to have his mother by him in all the years he lacked her. So in understanding that, how could Xiao Yan Zi ever truly be willing to consciously pull him away when he finally, painfully, managed to have his mother present in his life again?

Yu Fei, in turn, looked contemplative for a long time. Then, she sighed. "As I said, I cannot blame you for things Yong Qi chooses not to tell you. And I also understand, leaving was as much his decision as it was your wish, if not more so his decision. When he visited me last, after coming back to Beijing, he did speak of you, finally, to me. He did not go out of his way to praise you to me, but perhaps it was just as well. I do not think, then, I would have been receptive to praises, however sincere. I suppose that is part of the reason I did not realise, until this afternoon, what kind of person I should be expecting in you."

Xiao Yan Zi couldn't say that it didn't sting to hear that Yu Fei would not have been willing to receive anything praise-worthy Yong Qi had to say of her in his last visit. Perhaps because of this, that she started to ask the next question before she truly thought it out:

"Forgive me but were you – "

She trailed off, having now realised the words that were making their way out of her mouth, and wondering whether she truly wanted to know the answer.

"Yes?"

"Were you very disappointed? When I am not what you expected?" she asked in a rush, before she could swallow it all again.

Yu Fei was looking at her curiously. "Would you care if I was?"

Xiao Yan Zi's head snapped up and she gaped for a moment. (She tried not to think how Yu Fei obviously avoided answering her question at all.)

Then, she finally answered, almost in a whisper, "I have borne enough of Lao Fo Ye's displeasure to realise that I do not wish you, of all people, who are dearest to Yong Qi, to not think well of me."

Yu Fei gave her an inquisitive look. "Yet despite Lao Fo Ye's displeasure, as you have owned, it does not seem to affect Yong Qi's feelings for you. Do you so believe that my opinion would?"

"It is not a matter of his feelings for me. My desire for your good opinion is not for my peace of mind, but for his."

Yu Fei sighed. "I have said this to Yong Qi before, I am cannot be so blind as to refuse to see that he loves you. It is not just what he gave up for you. Even when he would not speak of you, the things he does say and do show how much influences and changes you have made to his life. I did not realise this before, but all this has been present even before you all left Beijing. I just didn't know what the change was due to, before. Now, from what he did tell me of you the last time he came to see me, I cannot help but think that much it was all due to you."

"I do not see how I could have managed all that, as you say," Xiao Yan Zi said hesitantly.

"Perhaps you do not see," Yu Fei said, "because you have not seen the changes in him as I have. He is happier, and seems enjoy life more and thinks less of his father's vices and more of his virtues. He now understands better, I think, how I could learn to be content with the life I had at Bai Yun Si. I think you have taught him to have a more positive outlook to everything around him."

Xiao Yan Zi did not think of a response immediately, so she did not say anything. It didn't seem like Yu Fei was quite finished, in any case.

"Even here, just this afternoon, watching his interaction with all of you, with people who clearly value him for the person he is, not the title he holds, it makes me wonder how much of this he ever got in the palace. I can see the friendship between you all and see that he really does need that, now and in the future too. And undoubtedly you brought him to all this. Sometimes one would think, the palace lacks for nothing. Yet, it is the things other than what he takes for granted in the palace that he needs most."

"I could not have brought him to anything if he did not want to accept them on his own."

"And the fact that you are here now shows how much he did want all of it, however little he may have realised it before," Yu Fei said.

She paused for a moment, and when she did speak again, there was a sense of weariness in her voice that made Xiao Yan Zi feel uneasy.

"I will not deny my first instinct was to be jealous of you, especially when I realise that in many ways, you know him better than I do, and you have an influence over him that I know I will never have."

Xiao Yan Zi was not sure how true this last statement was. Sure, she could wheedle, charm and pout her way to convincing him to do things but it was hardly influence. She wasn't sure, however, how she could get into a discussion of the semantics now.

"What is more, he trusts you so completely, enough to leave everything to go away with you, to put his life in your hands. I do not think that is something so easily found in princes' marriage, not so early on in any case."

Though she could tell there were touches of praise in all that she'd said, Xiao Yan Zi still felt disturbed at the jealousy that Yu Fei confessed.

"I do wish you need not feel so threatened by me," Xiao Yan Zi said earnestly. "I hope that you know that I could never dream to think that whatever he feels for me must be put before his love and duties for you. It is two completely different concepts, and I would never expect him to choose between you and me."

Yu Fei smiled wryly. "I am aware of the lack of reason for such feelings, which is why I cannot hold it against you. But as a mother, I should know him best, and should have seen him through growing up and know of things that his wife would have to learn. Yet the reality is, even the last three years when he had been allowed to see me more often, I do not know him so well as that. In reality, in all the time you have spent with him, you know far more about him and understand him far better than I do."

"But things need not stay that way," Xiao Yan Zi said. "You must know that Yong Qi would not wish for an incomplete understanding between the two of you either. I hope that you would allow him…_both of us_…to know you more…"

Yu Fei smiled, a more genuine smile now that gave Xiao Yan Zi some hope. "I think I would like that as well. In any case, you should not think too much on my irrational thoughts. I think any mother would be reluctant to let their child go, to realise that she is not the only woman in his life anymore. I am just feeling it with more force than I should. You will understand it, one day."

Normally, such a statement might make Xiao Yan Zi feel flustered – she wasn't sure she was ready to think of such a future yet – but the fact that Yu Fei clearly saw and expected such a future for her was heartwarming, more so than any verbal indication of acceptance that Yu Fei had yet to give.

"I do not know what you have done to gain Lao Fo Ye's displeasure, or how your engagement has managed to exist until now with it," Yu Fei said. "Perhaps I can imagine Lao Fo Ye's objections; perhaps the fact that your engagement still stands is enough proof of Yong Qi's determination in this marriage. What I _can_ see, however, is that this is Yong Qi's choice, what he wants..." Yu Fei seemed to hesitate for a long while, as if debating with herself what to say next. In the end, she sighed, and continued, "Whether you realise it or not, the decisions made in his life has never been much about his choices, or what he wants. I do not imagine, even in the future, he will have much more freedom."

There seemed to be a significant pause, and Xiao Yan Zi wondered whether there was some other, deeper meaning in what Yu Fei was saying that she was missing entirely. She frowned, but it did not seem like Yu Fei would explain.

"So in this matter which would determine his entire happiness, perhaps it is best that he has a choice in it. After all, no matter what Lao Fo Ye, or his father, or I, think of his choice, he is the one who would have to live with it."

It took a moment for Xiao Yan Zi to truly understand what Yu Fei had just said. It wasn't explicitly expressed, and she wasn't even sure when in the conversation it had come, but Xiao Yan Zi knew, as shown by the tone of her voice, that Yu Fei had, at some point, decided that she would at least accept Xiao Yan Zi's place in Yong Qi's life, even if still, she was not without misgivings. That first step towards something that before today Xiao Yan Zi had thought to be unattainable was more precious to her than anything in the world right now.

Impulsively, she grabbed Yu Fei's hand and squeezed tightly (and was comforted when Yu Fei didn't pull away). "Thank you…Niang Niang."

* * *

It was only later that night, when both the inn and its back quarter, where the owner Liu Qing, his wife Jin Suo and his sister Liu Hong lived, and where she now stayed with them, had settled down, that An Ran was afforded the quiet and privacy to think on the very hectic and emotionally confusing day.

(The fact that neither Yong Qi nor his friends seemed overly flustered by what went on the entire day and just simply took everything in stride made An Ran wonder how much of the chaos was normal occurrence to them. It was not a comforting thought.)

So that was Xiao Yan Zi.

An Ran had expected it to be easy to at least get a grasp on Xiao Yan Zi, to easily come up with an opinion of her. Yet the person she met that day and has watched all day was refusing to be summed up in any neat word. If forced to describe the girl in a word at all, An Ran would have to settle on "overwhelming".

If An Ran had known what to expect from Xiao Yan Zi, she probably would not have expected that – neither the circumstances of the meeting or the person she did meet. She certainly was not the demure lady that the whole world would envision for the role of a prince's wife. What An Ran found strange, bordering on alarming, was the unreserved way she spoke and boldly expressed herself, as if she was incapable of self-censoring. Perhaps that frankness endeared her to Yong Qi, but it was a dangerous trait to have in excess in the palace. To wear your heart on your sleeves meant exposing yourself to attacks, and was more of a liability than an asset in the palace. It made An Ran worry about what Xiao Yan Zi could potentially pull Yong Qi into in the future, especially when Yong Qi seemed to act like he was resigned to this aspect of her character and saw no need to advise her to be more prudent in her expressed opinions. Or perhaps such thing had been attempted to no great result.

That Xiao Yan Zi had been nervous during their conversation was clear. She had until then been such a whirlwind of different intense emotions that it was strange to see the sudden vulnerability. And yet, it was that vulnerability that allowed her to seem a little more real to An Ran, and not just the vague portrait she had pieced together from disjointed information from Fu Lun and Yong Qi. It proved, too, how much the conversation and their meeting really meant to Xiao Yan Zi, and it was seeing that vulnerability that made An Ran realise, Xiao Yan Zi had a lot more to lose than she did.

There was one thing clear that even An Ran, biased as she was, could see, and that was that Xiao Yan Zi loved Yong Qi. It was not so much explicitly expressed in words during the rather eventful day they had, but in the softness in her eyes when she looked at Yong Qi, the instinctual way she reacted to threats to him and in all the subtle cues that An Ran was sure even she was not aware she was giving. An Ran had seen enough to understand that Xiao Yan Zi was not prone to hiding her true emotions, and thus could not doubt the things Xiao Yan Zi said about her feelings for Yong Qi.

So, did An Ran _like _Xiao Yan Zi? Right then, it was hard to come up with a definitive answer.

She supposed, when thinking about a possible bride for her son, An Ran only really ever had one requirement: that she would be a good person. That requirement was probably something that the majority of people who knew they would have no choice in their marriage partner would hope for as well. Now, An Ran realised just how very inadequate such a descriptor was. What made a person _good? _What made a _woman_ good?

Thinking about that requirement of a _good person _alone, An Ran could not deny that Xiao Yan Zi was. The fact that she elicited loyalty from friends who were, in turn, kind enough to open their home to An Ran now spoke of her worth. The fact that she gained such sincere and complete trust and affection from Yong Qi should alone be enough to convince An Ran of her goodness. And yet _good, _it turned out, was not particularly helpful when you looked at its other side.

She was kind and compassionate, yet those traits manifested themselves in acts that involved lying and deceiving the emperor, perhaps for justified reasons, but putting both herself and those around her in mortal danger nonetheless. She was guileless, yet the opinions she held and chose to express frankly, and her inability to see that the palace was a battleground of a war that she would have to take part in whether she wished to or not, would in the long run do more harm than good. It could well put Yong Qi in unnecessary difficult positions. She loved him sincerely, and treasured him for who he really was, not the material comfort he could provide, yet in return, it meant that she expected of him the kind of commitment that was not his to give to her alone.

An Ran didn't think Xiao Yan Zi caught her hints in their conversation of things that could come in the future that would be out of both her and Yong Qi's control, but she didn't want to get too deep into the issue that afternoon. As much as An Ran wished to gauge Xiao Yan Zi's reaction on the possibility of other wives, she understood that it was not her place to even bring up the subject with Xiao Yan Zi right now. It was clear that it was not something that Yong Qi had ever broached with Xiao Yan Zi (and in some ways, An Ran could not entirely blame him) and Xiao Yan Zi herself apparently never thought about it. He would have to, one day, but An Ran knew enough of the discomfort such conversations would bring that she would not be the one to force his hand.

What made a person good, apparently Xiao Yan Zi had in spades. What made a woman good, however, were total obedience, unquestioning sacrifice and acceptance, not traits that Xiao Yan Zi particularly possessed. She had unconventional opinions and if An Ran could judge from what she saw that afternoon, it was clear that she would not obey blindly against what she would perceive as her better judgement. Yong Qi talked of all that she had sacrificed to come back to Beijing, to the palace to be with him, and yet to be a prince's wife – perhaps one day, even more – the sacrifices would only be even more painful than Xiao Yan Zi in her straightforward thinking could ever imagine now.

Perhaps An Ran was over-thinking. It was clear that even Yong Qi had not thought to think that far ahead. Perhaps it shouldn't even matter. Perhaps the fact that in his future, other, less desired marriage awaited, meant that he should be allowed the luxury of this one choice that was his own.

Even from the first moments that she came to learn of Xiao Yan Zi's existence and her place in Yong Qi's life, it had never occurred to her that she should attempt to talk Yong Qi out of this marriage. Yong Qi was stubborn, and if he could be so easily talked about it, then Fu Lun would never have had reason to come and see her. Once he had made such a decision, it was clear that his mind was made up well enough about Xiao Yan Zi that he would never just abandon her. Such a suggestion from An Ran would only create painful conflict between them that could never be resolved prettily.

Still, An Ran could not deny that she worried. She worried for what the future would bring to Yong Qi: obstacles and challenges that she would be little help to him in, decisions made to his life that she would have no say in, and likely neither would he. As much as he loved Xiao Yan Zi now, as much as An Ran could not deny that Xiao Yan Zi loved him in return, and deep down she couldn't really find fault in those emotions, she could not allow herself to be at peace. This love would be just as likely to bring him harm and trouble as it would happiness. Yong Qi clearly thought Xiao Yan Zi was worth it, but An Ran would need time to resign herself to that, even if in the end, whether she thought Xiao Yan Zi was worth it wouldn't really even matter.

He had grown much too fast for her to keep up and come to terms with. He neither needed her protection now, nor was she particularly capable of giving it in her current position. It was a bittersweet reality to accept; she had put it off for a very long time. Now, faced with his impending marriage, and Xiao Yan Zi, who for now, represented everything in his future, she could only hope that their determined optimism would in the end prevail, help them get through the years ahead, and not just crumble like so many hopeful dreams of the innocent souls that come in contact with the palace.

* * *

_A/N: I'm not entirely sure about the pacing of this chapter as it seems really anti-climatic after the last but there was no other way to frame this conversation. _

_At this point, I'm 90% sure that I will be tying this in with Let the Years Scuplture Our Love, which is why the last few chapters have such heavy-handed foreshadowing...I know I said there wasn't an Empress Dowager in that, but it would be easy enough to write An Ran in. We'll see how it goes..._


	12. Part XI

**Part XI**

The carriage ride back to the palace from Hui Bin Lou that evening was too quiet; Yong Qi wasn't sure that he liked it. Er Kang had gone home separately, mostly because Yong Qi wanted to have a few moments alone with Xiao Yan Zi to ask her about how the rest of her afternoon had gone.

From what he could judge from the brief conversation he had with his mother when he and Er Kang returned to Hui Bin Lou to pick Xiao Yan Zi up to return to the palace, it didn't seem like anything in their interaction had gone disastrously wrong. His mother seemed to reserve her opinions for the present, which was fair enough. It had not exactly been a calming day. At the same time, she didn't seem unhappy to be in Xiao Yan Zi's presence, nor to stay where she was.

So why did _Xiao Yan Zi _now stay so disquietingly silent and contemplative? She sat still in a way that was disturbing for Xiao Yan Zi, seeming to take no notice of his present beside her. Her bottom lip was pulled between her teeth and her expression showed that she was upset and bothered by something.

"Xiao Yan Zi!" Yong Qi called finally, not able to take this odd silence any longer.

She barely raised her eyes to look at him.

"What's wrong?" he asked, more gently, putting a hand on hers.

She shook her head. "Nothing."

The word was muttered, far too soft and far too untrue.

"Xiao Yan Zi, tell me what's wrong."

This time, she gave him a weak smile. "I'm fine."

"You're not," he said, "and you're worrying me. Were things with Er Niang that bad?"

The look she gave him was one of astonishment, proving, at least, that line of thinking was a surprise to her and that whatever was bothering her probably didn't even have anything to do with his mother. Of course, this just made it all the more confusing.

"No!" she said. "I mean…I don't know. It didn't seem _too _bad. I don't think she hates me or anything."

Yong Qi had to bite back a very dry reply. Instead, he forced himself to focus on the fact that Xiao Yan Zi was upset by something else.

"Then what's wrong?" he pressed.

Xiao Yan Zi hesitated for a long time, like she was fighting with herself to say whatever that was on her mind. Yong Qi waited silently, watching her with concern. The fact that she was genuinely upset about something that wasn't immediately obvious to him was disturbing.

Then, finally: "That assass – that man, the one I stabbed, is he dead?"

Understanding rushed through Yong Qi like a cold chill. "Xiao Yan Zi," he breathed, taking her hand and squeezed it in comfort.

She didn't pull her hand away away, but still she stared at him determinedly. "Just answer the question."

Yong Qi thought, in the time that it took him to answer, Xiao Yan Zi probably already knew. The fact that there could not be an immediate answer that could ease her mind probably spoke enough.

"I've never – " she started, trembling, staring down at her hand in his.

_Of course not,_ was his silent reply. As hard and rough as her life undoubtedly must have always been, as many times she must have been in danger, and been forced to defend herself, surely before the palace, before this life, no one had ever gone out of their way to threaten her life in such cold blood. Xiao Yan Zi, for all that she found it easy to speak of the horrible deaths that she would like to see her enemies suffer, probably always spoke in abstract terms, and never stopped to think what it would be like if such things ever become real.

Yong Qi pressed his lips together and resisted the wish to pull her into his arms. He didn't think it would particularly give her comfort now and didn't think he could bear the feel of her stiffening at such a touch.

"He was going to _kill you_," she said, her voice cracking now. "He would have. But I didn't intend – "

She looked up at him pleadingly, as if begging him to tell her it was right. As if there was such black-and-whitness to be found.

"Xiao Yan Zi," Yong Qi said softly, moving closer to her and tightening his grip on her hand. "You did what you have to do. You are right, he was going to kill us and everything you did was self-defense. You can't blame yourself for that."

Even as he said this, Yong Qi wondered how effective it could be to setting her mind at ease.

Yong Qi knew how it was possible to look at the sword in your hand and only see it as an instrument of the art, and forget that it was a weapon meant to hurt. Sometimes the true strength and power of a weapon could only be taught the hard way, because when you trained with blunted swords, you ran the risk of underestimating your own power with the blade in your hand.

To Xiao Yan Zi, swords were a fascination, some unattainable object of awe to aspire to and to master. For her, it was for the aesthetic value and he doubted she ever took a sword with the intent to kill before even if she might not be ignorant of the potential. However she learnt her disjointed brand of martial arts, it was with all the dreamy, heroic ideals without the reality of what these moves were created for, when you strip it down to its core.

To see a person collapse at your feet in his own blood that the weapon in your hand had spilt was not an easy image to get over, no matter how he may have been trying to kill you a moment before. No doubt the adrenaline carried Xiao Yan Zi through the rest of the day, not to mention whatever other confusing emotions upon speaking to Er Niang must have pushed this out of her mind. Now that things had settled down a bit, Yong Qi could see how it can start to disturb her.

He didn't know how to convince her to get over this. It wasn't something that you could just _get over_ in any case.

"Xiao Yan Zi, any of us would have done the same thing in that situation. Sometimes you do things you have to, because you or someone or something dear to you is in danger," he said.

"But that doesn't make it right either!" she cried, looking like she was on verge of tears.

"No," Yong Qi said, "but neither does it make you a bad person."

The expression on her face told him that his words were not very successful in comforting her. It was easy, he suppose, to say it, and an entirely different thing to believe it. He knew the words would not help right away, and could only hope in the long run they would.

"If the situation was reversed, do you not think I would have done the same for you?" he asked quietly. "Would you think the less of me for it?"

"No, but – "

"I know. You don't have to like what you had to do," he said gently, stroking her hand. "But you can't think that they didn't deserve it to some extent. There was nothing else you could have done."

"I can't stand this…this feeling!" Xiao Yan Zi exclaimed. "You are right, he did deserve it, they all did but…still…why do I feel this?"

"Oh Xiao Yan Zi, if you didn't feel like this, I honestly would be even more concerned."

She felt like this because she had heart. Xiao Yan Zi, who made him fall in love with her because of her kindness, to even the lowliest of servants, would of course struggle to accept this, even if she did consciously know that they only ever had malicious intentions towards her.

"What is going to happen?" she asked. "Are you really not going to tell Huang Ah Ma about what happened?"

The abrupt change of conversation threw Yong Qi off for a moment. She was clearly trying to escape the original subject of what was bothering her. For an instant, Yong Qi considered whether he should allow them to move away at all. But what else was there to do? To dwell on it now would not help her. It was something that would take time, and if she wanted some relief from it now, he could not blame her.

So he only replied, "No. Of course we can't hide it from Huang Ah Ma I'm just saying you expect too much if you think anyone other than the actual assassins will meet consequences at all."

"But if it is proven – "

"_Even then_," Yong Qi stressed.

Xiao Yan Zi stared at him, then demanded, frustrated, "_Why_?" Then, hastily, she added, "I mean, no, I don't want her to _die _or anything, but I can't stand the idea that she would just get off free with it. It's not fair!"

Yong Qi replied slowly, "The thing is…Huang Hou is more than just Huang Ah Ma's wife, she is a symbol – of femininity, of the other half of power, of the world. To disturb that image by punishing her in any way that would undermine her image and authority to the wider world beyond the palace walls would be putting the order of things into total chaos. I'm not saying it can't be done, but it would take something much for serious than this for any of that to become an option. Huang Ah Ma could threaten and try to warn her off all he can, but really drastic measures still bring a lot of hesitations. Any way that Huang Ah Ma could discretely use to punish Huang Hou now would only have adverse effects on Shi Er Ah Ge, and if that is the case I would not wish for it at all."

Xiao Yan Zi glowered. "It's still not fair."

"The palace isn't fair," he said with a half-smile. "Though Xiao Yan Zi, seriously, don't think that you can go around settling debts or get revenge on her in the palace in such straightforward ways you can outside the palace."

She stared at him incredulously, "But she has always tried to kill us! Are you saying that I'm supposed to turn a blind eye to that?"

"Believe it or not, she's not trying as hard as she could be," Yong Qi said. "Huang Hou may simply think you are a thorn in her side and tries to get rid of you now, but she is not being as ruthless as she could. Don't go seeking to pit yourself into a battle against her because once you actively participate in that, you are just inviting her to try even harder."

Xiao Yan Zi did not look at all like she saw the significance of his words. Yong Qi wondered whether without a secret like Zi Wei, or Han Xiang, to keep her occupied, that there was danger of Xiao Yan Zi's too active-mind turning to something more dangerous like getting even with Huang Hou instead.

The fact that Xiao Yan Zi was genuinely incapable of understanding or envisioning how bitter the competition in the palace could get was one of the endearing things about her. She would never be selfish or immoral enough for such thoughts to come to her at all. Yet at the same time, it made her vulnerable in a way that she could not understand.

"Xiao Yan Zi, I mean it. It's not about whether you should get justice for what she's already done, and whether anything is up to your ideal of fairness and morality. Nothing about the palace ever is."

"So you're saying that we should just let it go?" Xiao Yan Zi demanded.

Yong Qi sighed. "I'm saying you can't think it's so easy to get any retribution on her. Don't underestimate what more she would be willing to do if you ever get into direct conflict with her. She will only ever see you as a bigger threat after we are married."

She looked startled. "Why?"

"Now, to her, you are just a nuisance. Once we are married, she will think everything you do and every favour you receive from Huang Ah Ma will be in some way benefiting me. Everything Huang Hou does is for Shi Er Ah Ge's benefit. I have no intention of getting into some imagined competition with the two of them, especially when he isn't even old enough to fully understand what it is all about."

Xiao Yan Zi stuck out her bottom lip. "I don't understand it either. I mean, I get it to some extent…but…"

Yong Qi gave her a crooked smile. "We don't have to think about that now."

It was not something that he wished to think about right then, not after that day, not on top of everything else, and so was relieved when she nodded, though a little apprehensively.

"And promise me you'll let Er Kang and I take this afternoon to Huang Ah Ma to handle how he will. The fact that even now, when we've returned to the palace, or because we have returned, that Huang Hou would still resort to such measures to get rid of us means that she is somehow desperate. I can't stand you getting hurt because of it."

She looked unhappy about agreeing to this, too, but by this time, they had reached the palace. So she only gave a terse nod before they disembarked from the carriage. Somewhat reassured by this acceptance, Yong Qi walked her back to Shu Fang Zhai, before heading home himself.

He was distinctly aware that neither of the conversations they were having were particularly resolved, but then again, they were subjects that perhaps either would take a long time, or could never be entirely resolved.

Xiao Yan Zi's confrontation with the truth about death and how easily it came, how easy it was to cause it, was an impression that would not fade easily. Even if Xiao Yan Zi would, for now, push the idea out of her mind, she would have to face again, at some point. He would be there for her when she needed him, but for now, he could not force her to think on it before she truly was ready. He only hoped the entire experience wouldn't put her off her enthusiasm for martial arts altogether after this. Other than the fact that it gave her joy, it was truthfully one of the things he really did love about her.

As for Huang Hou, Yong Qi didn't think he could spare the energy to think more than was already necessary about what her ambitions were for her son. If you think about these things through different angles for long enough, you could learn to justify anything. To get into a debate with Xiao Yan Zi – who always saw things more or less in black and white – was not the most productive thing to do. If Xiao Yan Zi had to learn about the devious ways of people in the palace, unfortunately it would never be through being preached to.

(Yong Qi tried not to think, now, of how much less complicated life was outside the palace, even when they were running for their lives.)

* * *

Er Kang's interrogation of the remaining assassins revealed far more than any of them expected. To be fair, it was all information that they have all guessed before, but were just now being confirmed. It was Huang Hou who set up the cloth doll in Zi Wei's bed. It was Huang Hou who arranged to bribe and threaten Zi Wei's relatives into lying about her birth. It was Huang Hou who sent the assassins after them in Luoyang and then again at Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi near Bai Yun Si.

The only person who was really shocked about all of this, really, was Lao Fo Ye. It wasn't just shock, either, there was a lot of disappointment as well.

Yet, as Yong Qi expected, shocked and disappointed as both the Emperor and Lao Fo Ye were, disposing of the Empress was never to be considered as a serious option. The consequences were far too wide-reaching. To save face for the entire imperial family, there was not much that could be done to Huang Hou. In the end, the worst punishment Huang Ah Ma could place on her was to take Shi Er Ah Ge away, but even then, it hurt the little boy as much as it hurt his mother. Yong Qi could only say he was relieved when Zi Wei and Qing Er managed to convince Huang Ah Ma to let Yong Ji go back to his mother.

Xiao Yan Zi's other burden was more difficult to talk about and to solve. There were undoubtedly restless nights that Zi Wei could attest to. It would be the work of many weeks before she would be comfortable with a sword in her hand again. It was a slow process, and sometimes Yong Qi wondered whether that was part of the reason she protested so little to the (relatively) calm aftermaths of what happened, and was so willing to join Zi Wei in forgiving Huang Hou. If in that forgiveness, she found some consolation and peace for herself and allowed her to deal with what happened, then Yong Qi was glad for it.

* * *

Hui Bin Lou was, strangely, a comforting place and An Ran did not mind staying there. The Liu family were could under no definition be called sophisticated, but neither did An Ran have any pretention to the concept now.

What they did offer was kindness and a kind of acceptance that An Ran did not exactly expect, and the reason for it all was simply because she was connected to Yong Qi. It wasn't just that An Ran appreciated, because just a couple of days in their presence also provided her with infinite insight into both Yong Qi's life and Xiao Yan Zi as a person.

So when she saw Yong Qi again a few days later, An Ran could not particularly say that her opinion of Xiao Yan Zi now was unfavourable anymore. Granted, it was still hard to come up with a description when he asked.

"She is rather – "

Yong Qi gave her a knowing smile, as if he expected this response and knew exactly how hard it would be to sum Xiao Yan Zi up.

"Reckless, impulsive, stubborn, and unladylike?" he prompted.

"I was going to just say opinionated," she said faintly.

"Well, that, too," he replied with an affectionate smile.

"You seem to be heaping many unflattering adjectives on her."

"If you want me to sing her praises, I can too. But Er Niang, as much as I could have tried to feed you flattering descriptions of her, who Xiao Yan Zi _is _will always be the more forceful impression. I suppose that is part of the reason I spoke little of her to you before, even after I returned. I wanted you to meet her and come to your own conclusion, not for your vision to be tinted – whether positively or not – by my opinion of her, which will always be biased because I love her."

An Ran had to admit, there was merit in those words. As she told Xiao Yan Zi when they did speak, any attempt to paint a rosy picture of Xiao Yan Zi from Yong Qi probably would have raised An Ran's expectations and increased any negative impressions.

"If there is one thing I've learnt, is that she is not Xiao Yan Zi if she was not all those things," Yong Qi continued. "And perhaps I would never have met her if she was not all that. I could only ever meet her because she is the kind of person who comes up with the crazy idea of climbing a mountain to sneak into the imperial hunting ground to speak to the emperor. She would not be here if she did not see the world in such simple terms that she thought it would be possible to "borrow" a princess's father for a few days. Yet it is the simple way which she sees the world that allows her to bring to the palace the kind of joy it so lacks."

An Ran was contemplative for a long time. Then, turning back to Yong Qi, she said softly, "She makes you laugh. I didn't realise until the other day how rarely I have heard you laugh."

"Yes," he replied, a pensive half smile on his face. "And truly that is why I need her."

"Yet even she admits herself that Lao Fo Ye does not particularly take to her."

Yong Qi hesitated to answer, and when he did, his words were carefully measured. "Lao Fo Ye has a very specific idea of the person she wishes me to marry and Xiao Yan Zi doesn't fit that idea. I don't think she ever would. The thing is, the flaws that Lao Fo Ye lists off as reason to be dismissive of Xiao Yan Zi are not even ones I would disagree with. But those imperfections make her real to me. I don't think, Er Niang, after everything I've seen you go through, that I could honestly marry someone I've never met and know nothing about and be happy."

What he was not saying, also, was that, for now, at least, he was not likely to be able to give the kind of affection he felt for Xiao Yan Zi to anyone else. From the multitude of things she had learnt about her son these past few months, she should not really expect a different attitude.

There were more things to talk of, his responsibilities and roles in the future, and how Xiao Yan Zi would fit (or not fit) into that among them, but like with Xiao Yan Zi, An Ran did not wish to bring up the issue right then. It was clear that no matter what the future held, Yong Qi was determined about marrying Xiao Yan Zi, and perhaps he did need someone who cared for him without any consideration to his fortune like Xiao Yan Zi did. If nothing could change his mind about the marriage, then bringing up potential future hardships now would only be putting more burdens on him that perhaps could wait until after the marriage had taken place. As much as she worried, An Ran knew, when it came down to it, she still had to trust Yong Qi to know best how to deal with the obstacles when they come, because likely when they did, it was unlikely she would be in a good position to help him in any aspect. Besides, if she had learnt anything from her own experience with being married to the emperor, it was that even well-intentioned meddling could do more harm than good when the meddling was not in line with what the people involved in the marriage wanted.

So, pushing aside any reservations she had for now, An Ran only said to Yong Qi, "To tell the truth, I still have to say that Xiao Yan Zi is a puzzle to me."

"I can understand that."

"I dare say it will be a long time before I can claim to understand her, but something tells me I will enjoy getting to know her better."

The grateful smile that Yong Qi gave her was radiant. "Er Niang, I don't think I'll ever be able to express how much your approval means to Xiao Yan Zi…and to me."

Was it approval that she had just given? Perhaps, in some ways, it was, and An Ran found, surprising, she didn't mind.

She placed a loving hand on his cheek and said, a little bittersweet, "If nothing, I hardly disapprove of how much she does love you and how happy she makes you."

An Ran knew that Xiao Yan Zi would bring Yong Qi happiness, and perhaps, Heaven willing, would be the support he would need when faced with difficult decisions later. So why was there still a longing sense of loss? It was, perhaps, inevitable, as unreasonable as it was. She only wished it didn't show so clearly on her face and in her voice that he would notice.

"Er Niang, Xiao Yan Zi doesn't wish to take me away from you."

"I know," she said with a sad smile. "She told me as much. That does not mean I do not feel some of the loss regardless." Then, off his concerned look, she continued, "Do not worry about me, Yong Qi, it will pass, eventually. Do try to bring Xiao Yan Zi to see me often, won't you?"

Yong Qi chuckled. "Er Niang, if you are to stay here, I highly doubt you could avoid Xiao Yan Zi even if you wanted to."

* * *

_A/N: This chapter was difficult, mostly because it began with difficult subjects. Then the end was difficult because it just was, but I needed it to be sort of the resolution to the whole "An Ran meets Xiao Yan Zi" arc, which then paves the road for the ending chapter. The next chapter will basically close off this story, and it skips through time quite a bit to give an opening for things to carry on in possible future additions to Let the Years Sculpture Our Love, which at the moment I can 99% guarantee that there will be more to. _


	13. Coda (1)

_A/N: This chapter brings us up to the events of Let the Years Sculpture Our Love, it basically runs through the timeline of that fic, which is kind-of-but-not-quite the HZGG3 timeline. I would recommend probably reading at least the first chapter of that fic first if you haven't already, before getting into these two ending chapters._

_And this was intended to be the last chapter, but it got really long, so I'm splitting it up into two._

* * *

**Coda (1/2)**

It did not take long for An Ran to feel at home at Hui Bin Lou and even less time for Liu Qing, Jin Suo and Liu Hong to insist that she made it her permanent home.

When Hui Bin Lou reopened and Huang Shang unexpectedly showed up, An Ran was glad she had been paying enough attention to the surroundings to glimpse him before everyone else did, and even more fortunately, before he saw her, and slipped away in time. Later, Yong Qi came up and knocked at her door.

"I suppose he had left?" she asked.

Yong Qi gave a small smile and didn't ask who she meant. "Did you see him arrive before?"

"Yes."

"You didn't have to leave."

"Oh, but I did. No matter how…forgiving he may be about my being here, it would still have made things awkward and ruined the mood."

"Er Niang – "

"No, Yong Qi, you must not worry about me. Thinking about your father no longer hurts. But that does not mean it would be comfortable for us to meet. It is not how I would feel that I fear. I would just rather not put you in that position, not now."

Yong Qi gave her a searching look. "Are you sure?"

"Of course. Though I am surprised at his being here."

"I think even Huang Ah Ma needs to get away from the palace sometimes."

She smiled while lost in thoughts for a while. "He seemed a lot more laid back than I remembered."

"I think you can attribute that to Xiao Yan Zi as well," Yong Qi replied.

An Ran nodded, and could not help marvel at how extraordinary it was that someone like Xiao Yan Zi could blunder into the palace and not lose her head in the process, but only managed mostly positive effects on people she came in contact with.

"I must go," Yong Qi said.

She patted his cheek. "Yes, it is late, you should go, and do not think too much about it, all right? I know you are good to me and that's all that I need right now."

He squeezed her hand tightly. "Good night, Er Niang."

* * *

Before and after the wedding, Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi performed simplified versions of the ceremonies privately to An Ran, which meant that those times were actually the least chaotic moments of the few days that surrounded their wedding.

A few months later, An Ran noticed very telling signs when Xiao Yan Zi nonchalantly and steadily made her way through two mandarin oranges in a batch that everyone at Hui Bin Lou had collectively decided were much to sour to eat.

After some attempts at covert questioning which apparently did not alert Xiao Yan Zi to anything, An Ran did not press any further. In some things, the girl could be so incredibly clueless, An Ran thought, more fondly now than she could have imagined six months ago.

She did, however, have a quiet word with Yong Qi before they left.

"Have a physician come and take her pulse when you get back."

"Why?" Yong Qi asked, alarmed. "What's wrong?"

"I strongly suspect nothing is much _wrong, _but just have a physician look over her in any case."

"Er Niang, you're worrying me."

"Don't worry, I don't think it's anything serious, but still worth having a physician come in."

Yong Qi gave her a bewildered look, but she would not elaborate. She was pretty much sure what she suspected was correct, but she would rather Yong Qi had the information from a firmer source.

The next day, Yong Qi came to see her, grinning. An Ran didn't think she had ever seen him so happy.

"Well?"

"How did you know?"

"There were signs. I suppose I should not have expected Xiao Yan Zi to be able to recognise them on her own. Everything is well?"

"Oh yes, _very_ well."

"I am glad for you, my dear."

Despite Xiao Yan Zi's preference for sour things, the baby was not a boy, but a darling little girl with her mother's eyes.

Even before An Ran finally got to meet her a month later, from the way Yong Qi spoke of Zhuang Nan, it was clear that he didn't mind for a moment that the first child was a girl. Then again, they could not yet be desperate for a boy so early.

* * *

When the truth that Xiao Jian, Er Kang and Zi Wei have so clearly kept from him and Xiao Yan Zi finally came to light, and confronted with the marriage to Zhi Hua, Yong Qi's enormous reluctance was not just due to his feelings for Xiao Yan Zi, but in great part also due to his mother.

How could he marry Zhi Hua when he knew that by agreeing, all he was doing was putting her in his mother's misery all those years ago?

Yet with Xiao Jian's life in danger, what other choice did he have?

It felt so very painfully hypocritical how much he ended up echoing his father's actions and sympathising with his father's side of his parents' marriage in his own relationship with Zhi Hua.

At the start of it all, he did not intend to worry his mother with the entire mess about the truth behind Xiao Yan Zi's family, and had told Liu Qing and Jin Suo as such, and asked them not to mention anything to her either. He knew he would have to tell her something at _some_ point, but he always imagined it would be when he could get a grasp on the situation himself (whenever _that_ would be).

In the end though, he could not stop himself telling his mother everything mere days after his wedding to Zhi Hua. The truth was, he needed to talk to someone, someone who was not so caught up in everything, someone who would give a clear perspective, someone who, most importantly, would never judge him for what he had or hadn't done. Yet at the same time, there was a dread, because he feared that his mother would sympathise far more with Zhi Hua in this matter.

"You are taking too much on yourself," she told him. "As you said, you clearly did not have a choice in the matter, and you must admit it is not something you ever thought you could have realistically avoided."

"Perhaps, but I also didn't think I needed to be blackmailed into marrying someone either."

For a moment, he wondered if his mother would reproach him for such turn of phrase regarding a decision from Lao Fo Ye, even if in the end, that was what the truth boiled down to.

She didn't, however, and just gave him a small smile. "Would you ever have agreed to marry her or anyone else for any other reason?"

He didn't answer, but they both knew.

Instead, he said, "Even now, I can just see the path in front of me and Zhi Hua so clearly. I feel pain for the way Huang Ah Ma treated you, and resented him for it, but I cannot see a future where I will act very different from that with Zhi Hua. Yet the fact that I know this, and would do it anyway scares me. At the same time, I cannot lie to Zhi Hua about my feelings, because even if I give her hopes once today, she will always be disappointed tomorrow. Either way it will hurt her. I wish it could be avoided but I can't see how. And I am afraid that you will be disappointed at me for it, that after everything I've seen and said and after all that you've been through, I would knowingly put someone else through it all again. You would have every right to feel all of that."

His mother seemed to take a long time considering before she would answer him at all.

"Yong Qi." Her voice was much softer and more tender than he could have expected. He had said all he did while faced away from her, and now, she would not go on until he had turned around to look at her. "You are my son, and I will always be on your side, I will always defend you and support you in all that you do. It is irrational perhaps, contrary perhaps, but I will do it because I love you, I always have and always will."

To An Ran, the look he gave her was so full of _feelings _that it shouldn't be right. He let out a shaky gasp that denoted just how very close he must be to an emotional breakdown. The fact that he let her see it at all showed just how bad things were.

"I cannot tell you what you should do about Zhi Hua. I will not tell you what you should do. I will tell you, however, you should stop comparing it to your father and me. The fact that you let it bother you this much, the fact that you agonise over it and worry about it, already shows how different you are from your father. Because of that, your decisions will have very different results from how your father ever treated me. Perhaps to you it is the same, perhaps _it is _the same, on the surface, but the consequences will be different."

"Except that in both cases neither set of consequences are good."

"She knew what she was getting into, didn't she? It was partly her choice."

"She's seventeen," he said bitterly, "of course she has _no idea_ what she's getting into."

"I suppose not," his mother replied wryly.

The truth was, there was little advice she could offer on the subject. She could see the similarities he spoke of, but she didn't want to think that the only way for him and Zhi Hua was misery either. Perhaps there would never be bliss, but she had to at least hope for some kind of gentler solution. She only hoped one day Zhi Hua would understand the wisdom in not chasing things that would never be hers, even if right now it didn't seem like that was the case. Then again, little girls blind in destructive love rarely saw the world before them in any sensible light.

An Ran could only allow Yong Qi to talk – of his dreads, his fears, of all the things he would not tell Xiao Yan Zi. It gave her no comfort, but what did that matter? She wished she could wrap him up in a bubble and hide him from the world's hurts but the days when that would be appropriate were long gone. This would only be the beginning of the difficulties he would have to face, being in the position that he was. She could not protect him from life, she could only make sure that he knew she would always be there.

"Better?" she asked finally, when it seemed like Yong Qi had poured his heart out all he could.

"Not really," he said. "Maybe just a little bit."

"You are afraid of yourself, of what you would do, but dearest, the fact that you let it bother you so much shows that you will not mistreat her."

"Not physically, perhaps. Maybe emotional neglect is the far worse thing to do. Do you blame me?"

"For things outside your control?"

"For knowing the emotional burdens I am putting on Zhi Hua and will always put on her in the future, for knowing how much she suffers because I see it in you for so long, and not doing anything about it."

She sighed. "It is so easy to assign blame in the game of the hearts, yet also so very useless. It achieves nothing. I have learnt this, and the fact that even with blame, you cannot make other people feel what their heart was not willing. Perhaps Zhi Hua needs to learn it as well."

He stayed quiet, and An Ran let him get lost in thoughts, even if she was sure the thoughts cannot be comforting.

"I suppose you will want to meet her," he finally said later.

"You can at least try to sound like you want me to meet her."

He didn't exactly answer, but just sighed.

"I won't demand it, Yong Qi, not when clearly you have not come to terms with the entire situation, when you clearly are not ready. I know this is a very different situation to Xiao Yan Zi. I don't suppose she knows about me?"

Yong Qi gave a terse laugh. "That would imply that I have actually had a conversation with her doesn't involve this secret that we now must keep. I don't think Lao Fo Ye told her anything either. Then again, with the swiftness that Lao Fo Ye managed everything, I doubt there was time."

"Be careful, Yong Qi, that savours of bitterness."

"The thing is," he said wearily, "I don't understand why Zhi Hua thinks this is a good idea to begin with and why she agreed to this. If the only thing she is after is the position and power then I can never be comfortable with her holding that power above Xiao Yan Zi. But if that is not what she is after, and if she is after some emotional gratification then the future will be a thousand times more complicated. When I can't understand what exactly she wants, I am so very wary of letting her know about you."

"You are wary for me? Oh dearest, what can hurt me now?"

"I don't know," he said, running a hand over his face. "That's the thing. I just feel like I can't trust her entirely for some reason. I have this nagging feeling like I should be on my guards with her, and yet at the same time, she's a seventeen-year-old girl, how much damage could she do? It's all very confusing. Until I can see things clearly and not feel like I'm just stumbling through everything, I don't feel like I can speak to her about you."

An Ran ran a soothing hand down his back and decided to change the subject. "How is Xiao Yan Zi taking it all?"

Yong Qi gave her a pained, forced smile. "As could be expected."

"Poor thing," An Ran lamented. When it rained, it really poured for them, and An Ran wished she could do something to stop it, not just for Yong Qi's sake, but for Xiao Yan Zi's and Nan Er's as well.

Yong Qi sighed heavily. "Her vision of Huang Ah Ma wasn't so rose-tinted as it once was, but this truth just shattered everything she thought she knew. Then losing the – "

His voice cracked with pain as he could not talk about the greatest loss of all. An Ran could only grip his arm in comfort, feeling the pain with him.

"Anyway, I think Nan Er is the only thing keeping her somewhat held together at this point," Yong Qi finished in a choked, gravelly voice.

"I am sure you do, as well."

Yong Qi shook his head tiredly. "I force her to think far more of Zhi Hua and Huang Ah Ma now than of myself."

"How is she dealing with the truth about her father?"

Yong Qi opened his mouth to speak, did a slight double take, then he started again. "I was going to say something horribly ironic about how you could imagine how she feels, but then I realised you probably can."

"Yes," An Ran answered softly.

"The answer is probably no, but did you ever want to blame Huang Ah Ma for – "

"If I did, it was a long time ago. What Xiao Yan Zi goes through now is not the same, though."

There was a devastated look on his face that broke her heart. "I don't know how to make it better for her, Er Niang," he admitted.

An Ran considered her reply before speaking slowly, "Sometimes, despite all your best intentions, you can't. There are things she will have to face on her own. You can assure her that you will be there for her, but there are obstacles you can't clear for her and it will always hurt to realise this, but you won't be able to change that. It hurts but it is something you must accept."

Yong Qi looked at her for a long time. Then, "You are not just talking about Xiao Yan Zi and me, are you? You are also talking about the two of us."

She gave him a small, sad smile. "Yes, I suppose I am."

* * *

After dealing with a few tension-filled months with Zhi Hua in their lives, to Yong Qi, it seemed almost a relief to go off to war, where at least he would actually know who the enemy was.

To An Ran, it was the worst news she had heard in a long time.

"How could your father do this?"

"I asked to go, Er Niang."

He looked at her apologetically, but she already knew that it was all settled, and he had only come to tell her, not to be talked out of it. Even if he could be talked out of it, it was likely that orders and arrangements have already been made and would never be taken back.

Still, she could not help saying, "Yong Qi, even if you would not think for yourself, did you not even consider me, Zhuang Nan, Xiao Yan Zi and – "

"I did. Er Niang, if there is a reason for me to hesitate, it would be you more than anyone," he said earnestly. "But Er Niang, it is also my duty to do this. I can't just hide away when I could do something to protect my country."

So that was that. The day he went away, after seeing him off, Xiao Yan Zi didn't return to the palace right away, but came to see her.

The two of them sat staring at the fire grate that glowed with coal, keeping away only the misty chill of the late winter day but not the chill of the dread in their hearts. The fear couldn't be expressed because saying it out loud may be tempting it to come true.

Days later, Xiao Yan Zi came to see her again, this time looking slightly dazed, and told An Ran that she was expecting another child.

"Xiao Yan Zi, that's wonderful news. Why don't you look more happy?"

"I am! I was happy when I wrote him about it but – "

"But?"

Her reply was fearful and high-pitched. "I – I can't do this alone, Er Niang, I can't - "

"I doubt you will ever truly be alone, Xiao Yan Zi."

"No, but without Yong Qi – what if – what if he doesn't – "

"Don't say it!" An Ran exclaimed, sharper than she intended.

Xiao Yan Zi, as An Ran found out that day, was prone to moments of self-doubt that apparently turned her normally optimistic self into someone who was quite bleak. It took some time, therefore, to sooth Xiao Yan Zi's agitated state, even then it was only with the help of Zi Wei and Liu Hong.

Left alone, An Ran tried not to think too much of her own worries that could not be alleviated even by letters as frequent as Yong Qi could manage at the war front.

So there was no word to describe her relief when one day, Zi Wei stumbled breathlessly into her room.

"Yi Niang!" Zi Wei only managed so much before she had to stop and catch her breath.

"What is it? Is something – " An Ran asked, standing up.

"No, no," Zi Wei answered, smiling widely. "They're coming home! Er Kang and Yong Qi! Everything is over, they're really coming home!"

An Ran grabbed Zi Wei's hand and resisted the urge to shake her. "Really? It's over? They are returning?"

"Yes! I had to promise Xiao Yan Zi I would let you know. She was all for coming to tell you herself, as if anyone would let her out at this stage."

"Oh, thank Heaven!"

Grinning, Zi Wei said, "I shan't stay, I need to return to Xue Shi Fu and let them know, but we wanted you to know as well so you don't worry anymore – "

"Yes, of course, thank you for telling me. Now, go home, Zi Wei."

* * *

An Ran would have been relived and thankful enough to see Yong Qi again, safe and sound. Any other rewards seemed superfluous. That didn't mean, however, that she could help feeling enormous pride to hear (not from Yong Qi) that Huang Shang had bestowed on him the title of Rong Qin Wang and he was the first of the emperor's sons to receive the title.

The title also meant the move to Rong Wang Fu. It had to be said that both Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi more or less rejoiced in this new residence. For Xiao Yan Zi, it put her and Zhi Hua in totally different buildings with several courtyards, a pond with a bridge and a garden between them, which would mean that it would be easier for all involved to breathe. For Yong Qi, it also meant that it was easier to visit his mother and allowed her to see Zhuang Nan on a more regular basis.

It also, however, led way to the very strange and possibly (again) very overdue meeting between An Ran and Zhi Hua.

As a preface, it sufficed to say that Zhi Hua was appropriately shocked when Yong Qi finally told her about his mother and the fact that she still lived. How she felt about this deliberate attempt withhold this information from her could only be speculated. Yong Qi, for his part, imparted as much warning as it was possible about how imperative it was that Huang Shang was to be left to his continued made-up reality that Yu Fei was dead, without getting into too much of the details that he had enough trouble talking to Xiao Yan Zi about, let alone Zhi Hua.

He was slightly surprised that after all this time, Lao Fo Ye never made any mention of his mother to Zhi Hua, though she must know that Yong Qi still saw her as often as he could, and that Xiao Yan Zi was aware of it all. He supposed, however fond Lao Fo Ye was of his mother, she would always take Huang Ah Ma's stance first and foremost. It was one of the few things Lao Fo Ye did in connection to Zhi Hua that Yong Qi could appreciate.

If Yong Qi was_ totally _honest with himself, telling Zhi Hua about his mother had not been so much for Zhi Hua's sake, but for the wish that his mother would then feel freer to come to Rong Wang Fu, where there would be no one she would have to hide from.

(His one attempt so far to persuade his mother to come live with them at Rong Wang Fu had been unsuccessful. His mother seemed unable to contemplate the idea when there was still the smallest, slightest chance that she could run into the emperor at Rong Wang Fu.)

For An Ran, the meeting with Zhi Hua was a lot less…life-threatening than with Xiao Yan Zi. There was no other word to describe it than "calm". Perhaps it was representative of each of her daughter-in-law's nature. Yong Qi had left her alone to talk with Zhi Hua, but she suspected it was for a very different reason that he left her alone with Xiao Yan Zi before.

If Xiao Yan Zi was a force of nature and in every way unpredictable, Zhi Hua everything An Ran could have expected in woman that Lao Fo Ye would choose for Yong Qi. She could see clearly why Lao Fo Ye went through such lengths to get Yong Qi to marry her, yet at the same, she could see why, after Xiao Yan Zi, she would be rather uninteresting to Yong Qi. There was not anything _wrong _with her, surely. She knew to say all the right things, do all the right things, and could, as far as An Ran could tell, be pleasant enough. An Ran would probably not find it hard to like her, on her own. Then again, she didn't have to live with Zhi Hua, so how easy it was for her to like Zhi Hua didn't mean much.

An Ran didn't think Zhi Hua was being deliberately calculating in her pleasantness to her. If her every word was obviously considered and weighted before they were spoken, that was most likely just how she had been brought up. To Yong Qi, however, it was obvious that such deliberation could be off-putting, especially considering how she came to be in his life. Yong Qi clearly judged Zhi Hua in every way in terms of comparison to Xiao Yan Zi, and the two were so very different that An Ran wasn't surprised that he found it hard to relate to Zhi Hua at all.

The strange thing was, she understood what it was like, to be both Xiao Yan Zi and Zhi Hua. Each had their own source of woe, and in some ways, she could not help but pity Zhi Hua more, because Yong Qi had been right. No matter how Zhi Hua walked into this marriage with open eyes, she really had no idea what she got herself into. To hear her speak, An Ran could tell she still believed that Yong Qi's heart could be persuaded to be shared between her and Xiao Yan Zi.

Perhaps it was just as well that his life was still a distant away from her, so that she was not in a position to interfere even if she wanted to. If she was in the palace again, perhaps she would be pressured by Lao Fo Ye to take a side, but she couldn't see how that would help Yong Qi at all. To take a side would stir up even more conflict between Xiao Yan Zi and Zhi Hua – it wasn't as if they needed more – and make life even more difficult for Yong Qi. However much she sympathised with either of them, to make Yong Qi feel guilty about it was not her intention. If she was to take a side, she would take Yong Qi's side first and foremost. She might learn to like his wives both for their own merits, but he was still her son.

Xiao Yan Zi was necessary for his happiness, but at the same time she was so unsuited to numerous other roles that would be expected of his wife. An Ran could, unfortunately, see the need for someone like Zhi Hua, though she could not help but think that Lao Fo Ye's way of putting Zhi Hua in his life was a rather great lapse in judgement and a fundamental inability to understand how Yong Qi's mind and heart worked. He could never learn to be happy with someone forced on him not on his own terms.

So An Ran watched as the three of them stumbled through the life which probably none of them would have chosen for themselves. She watched as Zhi Hua tried to hide her disappointment when Mian Zhang was born and offered what both she and Xiao Yan Zi knew were insincere well-wishes. If situations were reversed, Xiao Yan Zi probably would not even attempt to be subtle about it.

If Yong Qi ever came to An Ran to talk about any of this, she knew it was not ever to ask for her advice, but more because he needed to talk to someone and there were things he could not say even to Xiao Yan Zi. Perhaps that was for the best, because she didn't think ever she could give unbiased opinions and perhaps he received enough expectations from every side already as it was, and didn't need it from her as well.

* * *

When Mian Yi was born and Xiao Yan Zi's heart broke, she had expected to seek comfort in Zi Wei. However, even as she was ready to go to Xue Shi Fu, she eventually found herself at Hui Bin Lou and in An Ran's rooms instead. She didn't even know why this even seemed like a good idea, but regardless, here she was.

An Ran took one look at Xiao Yan Zi's tearful face and seemed to understand. Never before had Xiao Yan Zi been more relieved for her soothing presence. She knew An Ran had every right then to act happy at the birth of a healthy grandson, but instead, she just drew Xiao Yan Zi into an embrace and helped her wipe the tears away from her face.

If asked, neither of them could possibly say when it had become such a natural thing that Xiao Yan Zi would seek out An Ran's comfort so automatically and for An Ran to provide it like this.

"My dear Xiao Yan Zi," – it was the first time she had called Xiao Yan Zi that, and Xiao Yan Zi wasn't even sure whether it helped – "Yong Qi does love you so very much."

In her broken state, Xiao Yan Zi asked, "Does he?"

She wondered, for a brief moment, whether there would be reproach for her lack of faith. She seemed to be pulled in a thousand different directions now that she couldn't bring herself to be rational, to force herself to admit that she didn't doubt his love as much as she wanted to.

Her mother-in-law's reply, however, only was to sit down beside her on the bed, where she had drew her knees up to her chest and rested her head down, wishing the world to disappear. An Ran stroked her hair gently.

"You know he does," she said softly but firmly. "Even if, right now, it doesn't feel like it helps numb the pain."

"The stupid thing is, I pushed him to her. I owe her too much and he had put it off for long enough. But still, it hurts."

"I know," An Ran said gently.

"I suppose you will send me back," Xiao Yan Zi sniffled.

"No, not if you do not want to go back."

"I will have to," Xiao Yan Zi said with a sigh. "Nan Er and Mian Zhang..."

"Yong Qi could take care of them for a couple of days without you if you wish to stay away for a while. Perhaps it is better."

An Ran wondered whether part of the reason Xiao Yan Zi apparently made Yong Qi settle things with Zhi Hua was partly because she saw that Zhi Hua's patience was running out and feared she would eventually reveal the secret if Yong Qi continued not keeping his end of the bargain. Perhaps Xiao Yan Zi's sacrifice had succeeded in Zhi Hua keeping the secret truth of Xiao Yan Zi's family for a few more months, but still, eventually, when she clearly thought that Yong Qi was not sufficiently excited about their child together, she had gone and revealed the secret to Huang Shang anyway. Though in the end, the matter was resolved with minimal calamity and without anyone thrown into jail or with lives threatened (much), it was clear that any hope for more than the pretense of good will between Zhi Hua, and Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi, took a nose-dive turn after that.

Now, the birth of the child would only serve to make things even more sour between Zhi Hua and Xiao Yan Zi. As much as it would be easy to wag fingers at Xiao Yan Zi for being discourteous, An Ran didn't think any woman in her position could honestly ever say they could be sincerely glad for their rival. Even as separated as they were in Rong Wang Fu, perhaps it would be better for all involved if Xiao Yan Zi was to not be around for a few days.

Xiao Yan Zi did not answer for a long time. When she did, it wasn't on the subject of returning to Rong Wang Fu.

"I am sorry," she mumbled.

"For what?"

"I know you ought to be able to rejoice…the child is your grandson. I should not have brought my gloom to you."

An Ran sighed. "I am grateful for the child's healthy birth, certainly, but don't think I don't know how you feel either, Xiao Yan Zi. I know there are feelings that you can try to repress, that may not be polite to feel but your heart makes you feel regardless…"

Later in the day, when Yong Qi came and asked to see Xiao Yan Zi, An Ran did not allow him to.

"Er Niang! I need to see her."

But An Ran would not budge.

Yong Qi gave a frustrated exclamation and paced the room, occasionally staring longingly at the wall that separated them from Xiao Yan Zi. Finally, when An Ran thought she had given him enough time to brood, she pushed him down into a seat and pressed a cup of tea into his hand.

Then, sitting down beside him and placing a hand on his arm, she said gently, "Give her time, Yong Qi, to cry a bit and get used to the situation, before she needs to face you."

Yong Qi closed his eyes and set the tea down, undrunk, more forcefully than necessary.

"She won't be able to stay away long. The children will bring her back to you soon," An Ran said.

He raised his eyes to look at her, and she winced to see how much pain was in his expression. "Is that all the reason that brings her back to me? If she only comes back for the children and not because she wants to, then I would rather - "

He didn't finish, but it was enough. She wished she could make this entire situation better for the both of them, to give them the happiness and optimism they so had at the beginning of their marriage.

"Oh dearest, if she didn't love you so much, she would not be in such pain now," An Ran said gently. "Go home, spend some time with the baby as he deserves. Xiao Yan Zi will be all right here."

Yong Qi let out a shaky laugh. "I should be happy. And yet the only thing I feel is glad that it's over…and not even the right kind of glad. And yet…I do love him."

"Of course," was her soft reply.

He picked up the teacup again and stared into the dark liquid, as if contemplating drowning himself in it. "Is this how Huang Ah Ma felt when I was born?"

The sudden pain that assaulted her took An Ran by surprise, so that she couldn't answer right away. She was glad, however, that Yong Qi was preoccupied enough to not notice her expression, which she quickly hid away.

"Oh Yong Qi, you do not think it is the same thing."

Perhaps circumstances shared some details, but An Ran knew her relationship with Huang Shang was never quite as turbulent as Yong Qi's was with Zhi Hua.

"It is similar enough."

* * *

As much as Zhi Hua had put Xiao Yan Zi in danger when she revealed the secret to Huang Ah Ma, and as angry as Yong Qi had been with her, he could still never quite blame her completely without placing some of the blame on himself. He could not deny that he partially pushed her to such desperation. He never exactly kept his end of their bargain in good faith, and so could not expect her to do the same. Still, the whole incident showed the malicious side of Zhi Hua that she worked so meticulously to hide before. It sufficed to say that if before, Yong Qi felt himself on his guard around her, he felt it even more now. Anything that resembled trust he had once before for her was gone now, and he could no longer assume that she would not resort to hurting Xiao Yan Zi in another way to gain the upper hand.

Despite that, he could still not bring himself to ignoring her completely like he wished and half-expected of himself, if not for her sake then for that of Mian Yi. One day his son would, as he did once, have to realise the truth that there was little love between his parents. Even if Yong Qi could not help that, he could at least try to not make Mian Yi feel the ice so bitterly, to not make it so very obvious…

There could not be love for Zhi Hua, but Yong Qi still hoped, now that all secrets were out in the open, and they had all laid their cards out, and there was no longer any debt, nothing more owing to be repaid, that somehow they could reach some sort of peaceful co-existence. Perhaps _friendliness _between Zhi Hua and Xiao Yan Zi would always be too much to ask for, but he knew that by now, even Xiao Yan Zi only wished for a calm, live-and-let-live attitude between her and Zhi Hua as well. Being at odds with Zhi Hua was about as exhausting for Xiao Yan Zi as it was for him, for all the Xiao Yan Zi didn't exactly shy away from conflict.

How much Zhi Hua understood all this, how much she appreciated it and how much she could be capable of accepting it, Yong Qi wasn't sure. He supposed, for all her ambitions, it was too much to hope right away. He could only hope, as the years pass, for Mian Yi's sake, she would learn to be more cautious, not the other way around.

In many ways, Yong Qi could never regret Mian Yi's existence even if it was never exactly planned and he dreaded some of the things his son would have to go through. If anything, the child was good for Zhi Hua, in that now she at least might feel like she had some form of protection. Without Mian Yi, Zhi Hua would perhaps be even more desperate, and Yong Qi did not think that a desperate Zhi Hua was easy or nice to deal with.

Yong Qi hoped, too, that over time, Zhi Hua would understand that regardless of the circumstances, he could not love Mian Yi less than Zhuang Nan or Mian Zhang even if he wished to. He had seen far too much of how his father's blatant favouritism of his children caused his wives to resort to reckless acts taken in the name of competing for the emperor's attention for her child, where the child would often be reduced to an object, regardless of the mother's best intentions. He did not think he could bear to see his children pushed to the same battle, especially when it would never be necessary.


	14. Coda (2) - End

_A/N: I realised as I wrote this that this chapter is really depressing, for all that is supposed to lead to a positive-ish ending._

* * *

**Coda (2/2) **

Tongjia Zhu Ying was more of a disappointment to Zhi Hua than she was to Xiao Yan Zi.

To Zhi Hua, the arrival of Zhu Ying was something that resembled betrayal from Lao Fo Ye, for Zhi Hua had been more or less promised all the titles that Zhu Ying would receive when she married Yong Qi.

By the time Lao Fo Ye suggested officially giving Zhi Hua the Di Fujin position, however, Yong Qi did not think he could even contemplate it, not after it was Zhi Hua who spilled the secret about Xiao Yan Zi's family to Huang Ah Ma. She had proven that given a power over Xiao Yan Zi, she would at some point be tempted to abuse it. Yong Qi did not think he could give her that power permanently and officially.

It was Lao Fo Ye who then suggested Zhu Ying. While Yong Qi would never jump at the idea, at least Lao Fo Ye wasn't holding someone else's life over his head like last time.

When he tentatively brought up the subject up with Xiao Yan Zi, he expected an explosion. The reaction he got was a lot more muted than expected.

"That's it?" he asked, when she did not do more than shrug and say something that summed down to "Whatever".

"That's what?"

"That's all you would say about this?"

She sighed. "If you must know, Lao Fo Ye has already brought up the idea to me."

"_What_?" He could not help but grow concerned; Lao Fo Ye would likely not approach it with the kind of tact that Xiao Yan Zi needed for the situation. "What did she say?"

"The usual. What she did say of interest was that she would allow Qing Er and my brother to marry if we agree to this."

He should not be surprised, but at the same time, Yong Qi could not hold back an exasperated groan. "Tell me you're joking."

"I'm not, unfortunately," Xiao Yan Zi replied with a humourless smile.

"Still, we don't have to do this. It's not that desperate for them – "

"No," she agreed, sighing. "But it is the quickest, easiest and least messy solution for them. If we wait until…Lao Fo Ye is no longer in a position to oppose their marriage, then there is still the mourning period to wait, and how many more things can happen in that time?"

"So you would agree to this marriage to Tongjia Zhu Ying to trade for your brother's marriage?"

"When you put it like that – " she said, then trailed off.

"Sometimes, I can't tell, between our two families, which of us actually owe the other," he muttered.

She smiled weakly. "If only things were so simple."

As they somehow silently came to an agreement that neither of them really wished for about Zhu Ying, he asked, "Do you sometimes wish we never came back to the palace?"

She was startled, and wondered how long he had been thinking about this. "Do you?"

"At times when I am faced with decisions like these? Yes."

There was a long moment in which she did not reply right away. Then she just sighed. "I have never liked to think of what-ifs. It's all very depressing. And regret of what could have been never makes present problems go away. It's not as if we could leave now."

Yong Qi was silent in a way that must have told her that the idea had, at least at some point, crossed his mind.

"You can't be serious," Xiao Yan Zi said.

He gave her a slightly sad smile."I can be, if you would ask."

She seemed to contemplate his words, as if trying to judge whether he really meant what he said. Finally, she said in a resigned voice, "Well, then you should know that I won't."

He looked at her with question in his eyes.

"Even if Zhuang Nan and Mian Zhang could somehow come with us, you cannot leave Mian Yi," she elaborated.

They both knew this, of course, even if he would not say it for her sake.

Xiao Yan Zi placed a hand against his cheek and said more softly, "Even if you could bear it, I could not, Yong Qi."

Of course she could not, not after she grew up alone and without family. Either way, Mian Yi's life would always have something missing as it was, compared to his brother and sister. Yong Qi owed it to him to be there, not to disappear from his son's life, no matter how difficult his own life could be. He could only be thankful that, for now at least, Xiao Yan Zi still loved him enough to be here with him.

When he didn't answer, she pressed, "He is your child. If for nothing else, that is enough reason for me to treat him well. Tell me you know that."

"I do," he whispered, taking her hand and pressing it against his own heart. As he pressed his lips firmly on her forehead, he hoped, too, that no matter what happened in the future, she would never have cause to doubt his love for her.

* * *

"Maybe after Zhi Hua, I was bracing myself for the worst, but she's…surprisingly pleasant," Yong Qi told An Ran a few days after the wedding to Zhu Ying. There was a pause. "I like her."

For a moment, he looked genuinely shocked at what he just admitted, as if it was the first time he realised it too. An Ran almost laughed at the comically baffled expression on his face.

Then, still looking as if he didn't know what to make of the entire situation, he continued, "I mean, she's very nice and…undemanding. That sounds so selfish, I like her because she doesn't make inconvenient demands on me, but…"

There was another pause.

He shook his head. "This is so very confusing."

"Why?" An Ran asked, smiling.

"I didn't expect to like her."

"Clearly," she answered dryly.

"It honestly feels like being around Zi Wei. It's very odd."

* * *

In many ways, Zhu Ying was a good addition to Rong Wang Fu.

She acted almost as a buffer between Zhi Hua and Xiao Yan Zi, forcing Zhi Hua to direct at least some of her competitive energy towards Zhu Ying. Apparently, somehow, Zhi Hua had come to decide that Zhu Ying was currently a bigger threat than Xiao Yan Zi, probably mostly because no one really knew what she wanted out of this marriage. At least with Xiao Yan Zi, Zhi Hua knew what she was dealing with. Zhu Ying was competition for Lao Fo Ye's favour as well as Yong Qi's.

As far as Yong Qi was concerned, anything that took Zhi Hua's mind off Xiao Yan Zi was a good thing.

For her part, Zhu Ying hardly seemed to notice the resentful undercurrents that Zhi Hua threw her way, or even that Xiao Yan Zi was going out of her way to avoid her. She didn't go out to seek out Xiao Yan Zi, but when they did cross path, everything was so _pleasant _on her part that Yong Qi felt like he should be waiting for the second shoe to drop. Still, it did not.

However, it wasn't until calamity struck that he understood that all Zhu Ying's pleasantness and courtesy wasn't an act, and came to appreciate her presence.

* * *

Apparently the average amount of time it took for Yong Qi's life to fall apart was three days.

Last time, three days passed between their first finding out the truth about Xiao Yan Zi's family and his very reluctant marriage to Zhi Hua.

This time, it took three days for Mian Zhang to fall suddenly, frighteningly ill and died just as suddenly. Everything took them so unexpectedly that when the physician announced that it was all over, Xiao Yan Zi refused to believe it and clung onto their child, as if holding on could bring him back.

It was with excruciating pain and many tears that Yong Qi finally convinced her to let go. She clung to him instead, her hands gripping his shirt tightly as she shook with sobs in his arms. He could only murmur words that he knew would have no use in comforting either her or himself. It wasn't until much later, when everything numbed a little, that he realised that this must be what a parent's worst nightmare felt like, and he was living it.

It was not all over yet, however. As he was leading Xiao Yan Zi to the bedroom in hope of persuading her to get some rest that he didn't exactly expect her to agree to, her knees suddenly buckled under her and she fainted.

"Xiao Yan Zi!"

He swept her into his arms and carried her into the room and placed her on the bed, while rapidly ordering for the servants to call back the physician. As he pulled his hand away from under her knees, for the first time he noticed that it felt wet and sticky. As the sight of red assaulted him, the room also seemed to suddenly fill with the smell of blood and he only vaguely heard Ming Yue and Cai Xia's suppressed screams next to them.

He took one look at her pallid form on the bed, turned to Ming Yue and had to resist the urge to grab her and shake her.

"Is she pregnant?" he demanded, barely holding back his panic and dread.

"I – I – I don't know," Ming Yue said, looking distressed. "She hasn't mentioned – "

He let out a shaky breath and sat down on the edge of the bed. He didn't think he could continue standing at that moment. Clenching his hand into a fist, he bit his lip to stop an anguish cry from escaping. He didn't need the physician here to know how things would be. After everything else, it seemed like this was just the inevitable grand finale.

Not looking up at Ming Yue, Cai Xia, he said through gritted teeth, "If she didn't know, then she is not to know. Understood?"

There was a shocked silence, then Cai Xia spoke tentatively, "You would not tell her - ?"

"No. Not if I can help it. Not after everything else."

They probably would have protested, if the physician did not choose that moment to arrive. There was nothing that could be done, however, except the expected advise for rest that the reassurance that with time and care, she would recover.

_Physically, perhaps, _Yong Qi thought, when they had retreated, leaving behind a prescription. _Emotional recover would be an uphill battle, considering everything. _

He let out a shaky breath and could only be grateful that Ming Yue and Cai Xia have left them alone. Reaching out, he stroked her hair softly, wanting to hold her and just cry with her. They would have enough to cry about even without this second loss on top of the first fresh one. His emotions seemed to be at the end of the tether as it was and it was only fear of waking her that kept him from breaking down at that moment. He couldn't bear to leave the sight of her now to go somewhere that would allow him to release his emotions and pain.

He knew that Ming Yue and Cai Xia disagreed with his wish to not tell her about this miscarriage, and his intention only to tell her that it was just the exhaustion on top of everything that made her collapse. Likely she would punch him as well if she knew he kept such information from her. Still, he didn't think could bear to put the knowledge of that pain of her now, not when she was already this broken over Mian Zhang.

Xiao Yan Zi came to much too soon for his liking, but at least she would not wonder at the state of emotions he was in. As she blinked into consciousness, he grasped her hand tightly and held it to his lips.

"Xiao Yan Zi…"

She stared at him, eyes wide and as if remembering what had happened in the few days. Neither of them spoke for a long time. Then, she slowly closed her eyes and whispered, "The baby – "

The world seemed to spin around Yong Qi, as he didn't think she was quite talking about Mian Zhang. Everything seemed to blur as he held onto her hand even more tightly, not speaking.

"The baby," she repeated, her voice cracking this time, "is it – "

"You knew?" he asked, barely louder than a whisper, his voice breaking as well.

Her only response was her face contorting as a wrecking sob tore from her and tears spilled down her cheeks, soaking the pillow. "_Yong Qi_ – " she cried, sounding so desperate and broken that it filled him with a new wave of pain. "_I'm sorry_ – "

"Oh love, how could it be your fault?" he asked hastily, leaning down and pressing his lips against her forehead, his own tears wetting her skin. He wanted to gather her up and command all her pain away. "Xiao Yan Zi, please don't blame yourself, I can't bear it – "

"I was going to tell you," she said through broken sobs. "I was just waiting a few more days to be sure, and then – "

"Shush, don't…let's just not – "

Yong Qi hardly knew what he was saying, all he knew was that he wanted this pain to stop, for both himself and for her.

* * *

Xiao Yan Zi fell back to grief and exhaustion soon after that, and drifted off into an uneasy sleep. Yong Qi sat with her for as long as it took for him to be assured that she would probably not startle awake again. Then, calling Ming Yue in to sit with her, he made his way out of the room.

He needed some air, a place for all the pent up energy and pain inside him to have room to escape a little. Staying in a closed room looking at Xiao Yan Zi now was too much to bear.

He wanted to lose himself in some space larger and more open than a garden, but going for a long walk or ride outside right then was not ideal. He needed to be near in case Xiao Yan Zi needed him. So he paced the confines of the gardens, the light, uplifting summer breeze doing nothing to relieve him.

After a while, he caught sight of Zhu Ying coming towards him.

"I just wanted to see if you were all right and needed anything," she said softly. The way she said this told him that she probably knew about everything already. It was just as well, it would save him having to tell her. He didn't think he could.

He shook his head in answer to her question and hoped she would be satisfied and leave him alone, because making conversation with anyone right now was the last thing he wished to do. She didn't press him to speak, but neither did she leave. She just stood there looking at him with concern.

Finally, more as an excuse to escape her, he said, "I must go. Nan Er – "

"She's over in my room, asleep," Zhu Ying said. "She's distressed, of course, and it took a while to convince her to go to bed. Nanny is with her in case she wakes. Nan Er will be all right. Now that Xiao Yan Zi is asleep, you should go get some rest as well."

He knew she was right, but rest felt like the last thing that would come to him then.

More to give himself something to say than anything, he said, "I need to tell – people – arrangements – "

"I have that under control. Really. Go get some rest. You just need to worry about being there for Xiao Yan Zi, all right? Leave everything else to me."

For the first time since she appeared, Yong Qi allowed himself to properly look at her and consider what she was saying. He didn't exactly expect her to take up all that would need to be done while he was comforting Xiao Yan Zi. He still, despite everything, felt enormous gratitude to her for understanding and doing it all anyway. So when he told her, "Thank you," he meant it with all his heart.

* * *

As much as Xiao Yan Zi occupied the majority of his thoughts for the next few days, Yong Qi could not help marveling that when Zhu Ying said she had things under control, she meant it.

It was supposed to be a chaotic time, but other than the grief that pressed in from all sides, there was hardly any chaos to be found in the whole Rong Wang Fu. Zhu Ying managed to keep the household running and made arrangements for everything else that needed to be done in the wake of the disastrous few days they just had.

Even if Xiao Yan Zi clung to Nan Er desperately in the coming days, and Yong Qi would not have neglected her either, he had to admit he worried a lot less about her with Zhu Ying around. She did not once complain about any of it, either, and just seemed sincerely sympathetic to their pain more than anything.

Later, Yong Qi truly felt that they would have come out of this latest tragedy a lot worse for wear without her.

* * *

Xiao Yan Zi found herself unwillingly pushed outside that day. Ming Yue and Cai Xia apparently thought she had spent enough time brooding in her room and practically forced her outside for a walk and some fresh air. She supposed she could not blame them. She didn't particularly liked how she was feeling lately either, but it seemed impossible to feel anything else.

Somehow, her wandering of the gardens brought her near Zhi Hua's courtyard, where she was confronted with the sounds of a child crying.

_Mian Yi, of course, _she thought to herself, willing herself not to break down at the sound.

She stood there listening for some time, wondering why she was putting herself through this, then wondering why he didn't stop. Somehow, before she quite realised what she was doing, Xiao Yan Zi found herself entering Zhi Hua's rooms.

There was only Zhu Ying, the nanny and the child there, though, and Zhi Hua was nowhere in sight. Xiao Yan Zi was relieved; she didn't mind Zhu Ying.

"Is something wrong?" she asked, and Zhu Ying and the nanny whirled around to look at her.

"Oh, no – well – he's just being a bit restless," Zhu Ying said, looking flustered. Apparently she and the nanny had been at trying to calm Mian Yi down for some time without success.

"Let me?" Xiao Yan Zi asked, approaching the nanny. If the look on her face was any indication, she was _very _reluctant about handing her precious charge to Xiao Yan Zi. Did she think Xiao Yan Zi would drop him on purpose?

It took a look from Zhu Ying for the nanny to finally hand the wailing child over.

It took a bit of coaxing, but eventually, Xiao Yan Zi was able to calm his screams down into little hiccups, then eventually for him to stop crying altogether. All the time, she tried not to allow herself to be crippled at how painful the familiar feeling was, how bitter it was that this wasn't her child –

"How did you do that?" Zhu Ying stared at her, amazed.

"Practice," she said, with a sad smile. "You can't just tell babies to stop crying and expect them to stop. You have to make them feel safe."

That was the trouble with nannies, though, as Xiao Yan Zi had found over the years. As much as they could come to care about the children in their charge, and as handy as they came in the middle of the night, they also were far more concerned with ensuring that the child didn't cry to either care why the child was crying or to understand that babies cried, there was no _reason _sometimes and how it was important to distinguish between the two. She supposed it didn't help that most parents would, in turn, expect them to be able to stop the crying on command and penalise the nannies if this was not achieved.

"Where is Zhi Hua anyway?"

"Lao Fo Ye asked to see her," Zhu Ying answered. "I suppose she feels lonely sometimes, now that Qing Ge Ge is not with her anymore. Is he all right?"

"Hmmm? Yes, he should be all right." Then, turning to the nanny, she asked, "Is he teething?"

"Yes."

"In that case, no wonder he's screaming. Your teeth just feel irritated, don't they, Mian Yi? You don't mean to be bad and cry all the time," she said, nuzzling him.

The child gurgled as if in agreement.

"I should have got you from the start," Zhu Ying said vaguely.

Xiao Yan Zi tried to keep her focus on the child, because if she didn't, she felt like she would be that much closer to a break down.

"I mean, I didn't want to disturb you…but I don't exactly have…experience…" Zhu Ying seemed to realise this line of talk might be distressing because she trailed off slowly into silence.

Xiao Yan Zi turned to give her a weak smile.

Before either of them could say anything else, Zhi Hua stepped into the room and looked taken back at the unusual crowd in front of her.

"Is something wrong?"

Xiao Yan Zi tried not to think about how she asked the exact question Xiao Yan Zi just did.

"No, he's all right now," Xiao Yan Zi said, before the nanny could say anything. Then, handing Mian Yi to a bewildered-looking Zhi Hua, she said softly, "You should stay home with him more often."

Without waiting for Zhi Hua's reply, Xiao Yan Zi walked out of the room.

It was only until she was heading towards her own chambers that she realised Zhu Ying had hurried after her.

"Are you all right?" Zhu Ying asked.

Strangely, Xiao Yan Zi found she didn't mind the question as much as she expected. That didn't make it easy to answer, however.

"Sure," she mumbled.

"You don't have to be, you know," Zhu Ying said softly. "All right, that is."

Xiao Yan Zi wasn't sure why these simple words were the ones that broke through her control and forced her to sit down on a stone bench nearby, shaking. Zhu Ying sat down tentatively beside her, placing a hesitant hand on her shoulder.

"Why are you being so nice to me?" she asked, sniffling.

Zhu Ying heaved a sigh. "I won't insult you by saying I know how your loss feels, but that also doesn't mean I don't know how _a _loss feels."

Xiao Yan Zi looked at her curiously.

"I don't suppose it would comfort you to know that I have no intention of competing with you or Zhi Hua for Yong Qi's heart or attention? I know Zhi Hua probably said that to you as well as some point, but it's true…"

…When Yong Qi looked for Xiao Yan Zi later, he found her still deep in conversation with Zhu Ying and they were so absorbed in it that it took him clearing his throat loudly before they looked up and noticed him standing before them. It sufficed to say that he was thoroughly perplexed at this unexpected development.

* * *

"Yong Qi," his father called weakly.

He quietly approached the bed and sat down on the edge of it. "Huang Ah Ma."

"I doubt I have much time left – "

"Huang Ah Ma – "

"No, don't argue with life. Just listen to me."

So Yong Qi only grasped his father's hand and nodded.

"I don't have much advice to impart anymore to you for when I am gone. You will be a good emperor, Yong Qi, I am sure of it. You will make mistakes, huge ones, more enormous still when you hold all that power in your hands, but you will learn from them, as long as you surround yourself with people who will tell you that you have wronged. I do not worry about you, or the country."

There was a long pause that his father took, either to rest or to contemplate his next words.

"I have been selfish all my life."

"That is not true," Yong Qi protested earnestly.

"It is truer than you know. About your mother – "

Yong Qi instinctively stiffened and knew that his father could feel it.

"You are right to get defensive," his father said with a weak, dry chuckle. "I have never been good to her, have I?"

Yong Qi did not answer, because there was no way to answer.

"I do not ask for your understanding, nor do I ask for your forgiveness, nor for hers; it is too much to ask for. I do not wish for things to have been different either, Yong Qi, because it would mean losing you. I think in this last, your mother would agree."

Qian Long heaved a sigh and seemed to be lost in thoughts.

"Do what you must and you should by her, Yong Qi. History is really just a story written by he who holds the power. So spin whatever tale that you require to bring her to the honours and glories that she should rightly have and truthfully deserves. Perhaps when I am gone, she will accept it."

Yong Qi let out a shaky breath. He would have done all this anyway, and it really should hurt less to know that his father would not blame him for it, to know that in some strange ways, perhaps he did have his father's blessing to give his mother all that she deserved. Instead, right now, Yong Qi only felt blinding pain.

After all this time, after all those years of both of them running away from it, finally this acknowledgement that his mother still lived and that she mattered came at a time when none of it truly mattered anymore. Anything Yong Qi could give his mother now, would only be possible because his father was dying right before his eyes. Was this how it could only be? That he would always have to choose between his parents, always to have one and not the other?

None of this could be said to his father, even now, so he did not say much, except the requisite murmur of gratitude.

He tried hard not to worry yet, what ludicrous story he would have to come up with to raise his mother up from her legally dead status. Even with all their forces of imaginations combined, he and his friends would still be hard pressed to come up with a convincing story.

Yet that was the farcical nature of power. Yong Qi knew, after all was done, he could come up with a fairy tale as believable as Han Xiang turning into a butterfly, and turned it into an imperial decree, that regardless of how many people knew the truth, regardless of how many people suspected otherwise, eventually that fairy tale will be accepted as truth. A century passed, it would be as if his mother had lived all these years peacefully in the palace, and all the days she suffered outside would have been washed away by the waters of time.

* * *

The first couple of months were a blur of white that made way for yellow.

The only thing that felt real to Yong Qi in those months of dizzying change was Xiao Yan Zi. It was Xiao Yan Zi's gaze he looked for in the crowd, it was Xiao Yan Zi's smile and brushes of her hand under the table that gave him strength. It was the warmth of her in his arms at night, the quickening of their unborn child inside her that kept him grounded, reminded him of who he was, to her, to their children, always.

She made him smile for the first time in days when she point-blankly told him that there had been enough kneeling throughout the entire palace lately as it was, and so she refused to kneel to him when they were alone. If he expected her to, he might as well never seek her out alone.

He pulled her into his arms and kissed her. "My dear, wonderful, beautiful Xiao Yan Zi," he whispered as he held her close, "_We_ shall make it an imperial decree so that you are _not _allowed _ever _to kneel before me or call me Huang Shang when it is just the two of us together."

She pouted at him, both at the decree and the initial use of the majestic We, and he laughed. Clearly her first instinct was to _not _accept the decree just because she could, but then the contents of it was exactly what she wanted, so it wasn't as if she would pass it up.

In the end, she just said, "Fine," and turned away.

"What, no thanks?" he asked with a laugh.

"Thanking you would require kneeling," she said, turning back with a grin. "Rather defeats the point, wouldn't it?"

He chuckled and pulled her into his embrace again. With his lips near her ear, he said softly, all trace of laughter gone now, "Never change, Xiao Yan Zi. Promise me. The world can change, but you will never change. I can't bear it."

Her eyes softened as she pulled away slightly to look at him. "I think the past has indicated that even if you wished for me to change, it would be a hard feat to accomplish."

He smiled and placed a kiss on her forehead, then rested his cheek against her hair, the two of them savouring this rare moment of peace together while outside, the whole world seemed so different now than it was ten days ago.

* * *

When Zi Wei waited outside Qian Qing Gong for Shun Gong Gong to announce her, she wasn't sure what to expect when she stepped into the royal study. Yong – no, _Huang Shang_ had asked to see her, though what he could have to talk to her about at this time when he was probably busy with a thousand other things, she had no idea.

"Huang Shang jixiang," she said, kneeling down as she entered.

Her brother came down and raised her up to her feet. "For Heaven's sake, Zi Wei, it's been barely half a month, can you not?"

She smiled. "How long do you wish me to delay calling you by your proper title and what should I call you in the meantime then?"

He shook his head. "At least just keep the formal _nin_ and the kneeling to a minimum and even then only in public, please?"

Zi Wei chuckled. "Is that a command, Huang Shang?" she asked sweetly.

"Oh stop it!" he exclaimed.

Zi Wei grinned and said in a more normal tone, "You don't wish for us to not be able to tease you, now more than ever."

He smiled. "Of course not. And don't tell me you are waiting for permission to sit as well."

She sat and he, too, beside her.

"I'd have thought you'd want to see Er Kang at times like this."

"I see Er Kang _too much _now. But I do have something I need to talk to you about."

"What is it?" she asked, curious, partly also because he looked pensive.

"While trying to persuade my mother to return to the palace, something else occurred to me," her brother said slowly.

She held back the question about the word choice of _persuade,_ because she realised this wasn't what he wanted to talk to her supposed she understood the reluctance that his mother must feel in returning to the palace after all this time, but it was only right. As much of a stir her return would create in both the inner and outer courts, Huang Shang would want her to take the position that was rightly hers.

He seemed to look at her carefully now, as if what he was about to say might somehow upset her.

"What is it?" she prompted.

"I was thinking, of giving your mother a proper title."

Whatever Zi Wei expected her brother to say, it was never this. She opened her mouth to speak, then realised she had no idea what to say. A thousand different emotions seemed to strike her at once and she didn't know how to untangle them all.

Her brother didn't seem to expect her to reply right away, however, as he went on, "I think Huang Ah Ma must have wanted to, at some point, but – "

" – Lao Fo Ye would have been against it," Zi Wei finished for him softly.

"Yes," he said with a sigh. "I know it doesn't change anything in terms of what really matters, I know it doesn't make everything you and your mother went through all those years suddenly better in any way. But in the long run, it will be beneficial for you and your children."

"You would go against Lao Fo Ye's wishes, for me?" she asked through a teary smile.

"I think with putting Xiao Yan Zi in the same position with Zhi Hua, I am already going a lot against what Lao Fo Ye would have wanted. I think Huang Ah Ma would have done it, too, if he had time after Lao Fo Ye passed away. I know you never asked, but still, it is what's right."

"I never asked, because I didn't think it was import – no, that's not true. It is important, in a way. Perhaps the title itself would not mean anything to either of us, but in the grander scheme of things, to Huang Ah Ma and to the rest of the world, it would have meant that she mattered to Huang Ah Ma. My mother would have been rested with just knowing that he remembered her at all. But I would be lying if I say I don't wonder whether even in remembering her, it ever meant anything more to him than just a brief tryst in the rain."

It would have meant something enormous, if the offer of a title came from Huang Ah Ma. She would never know, now, whether he ever considered it at all, because unless he said something to her brother, what her brother said just now about his intentions would just be speculation.

That didn't mean, however, that offer that came now from her brother didn't touch her. If anything, it meant something else, equally enormous. He didn't have to think of her or her mother at all; he had enough now on his plate without worrying about her. In some way, going from the daughter of the emperor to being the sister of the emperor is a loss of status and privilege. Huang Shang would have instinctively understood this and was offering the compensation for some of that loss. That was not to say that Zi Wei truly felt the loss, or missed the status, but it was the thought that count.

And he was right. It wouldn't just be to benefit Zi Wei, but to benefit her children as well. In the end, all they leave behind would be their imprints in history books, and her children, and their children, and their children after, will all benefit more with what would seem like clear and proper lineage, even on her side.

"Zi Wei?"

"Sorry, I drifted off. You were saying?"

"You will agree? You will allow me to do this for you?"

Tearfully, she grabbed his hand. "Thank you. Truly. You have always been too good to me, more than I could understand why."

"Without you, I would never have met Xiao Yan Zi," he said with a smile. Then, after some thoughts, he added, "And both your and Xiao Yan Zi's presence taught me many things about Huang Ah Ma, changed both Huang Ah Ma and me in many ways, and through that our relationship. There are things I will never be able to explain or to thank you adequately for."

"I can't help but think, record and history books get rather shuffled at times like this," Zi Wei said.

"And yet we hold the words written in them to irrefutable values," her brother said with an ironic smile. "So if you agree, we can start out with the title of _fei_; the title can always be elevated later, but I thought out of respect for Huang Ah Ma's other dowagers, we should start relatively modest."

"Honestly, I think you are already going much too high and being too generous!" Zi Wei exclaimed sincerely. "I didn't expect – "

"Zi Wei, both you and your mother deserve that much." She nodded her gratitude. He went on, "As for the actual title name, I could leave that to your discretion, or go the straightforward route and ask the Internal Affairs Department to come up with a selection to choose from."

"I would like to choose it, if you wouldn't mind."

Huang Shang nodded. "Take your time. After you have decided, then we can talk about the timing about making this official."

"It will have to be after Tai Hou Niang Niang returns to the palace of course?" she asked.

"Yes, most likely. And as much as I want her to return, I can't rush that either. It will create enough…stirring…as it is."

"Yes, I suppose. Speaking of dowagers, has Ling Fei – Ling Tai Fei – decided what to do?"

"Yes," Huang Shang answered. "She would be well within her right to remain in the palace, and I highly doubt my mother would mind. But she told me she prefers to be away from the palace, which I suppose in some ways, I can't blame her for. So there will be a residence with a household set up for her and Yong Yan. He Jing and He Ke will also live with them for now. As it is, He Jing's marriage will have to be delayed for a while yet."

"That can't be helped, I suppose," Zi Wei said. "But they should be all right."

"Yes, I think so. Anyway, do let me know when you've decided, all right?"

"Yes. Thank you, again. You must know I never presumed to expect such a thing."

He smiled and patted her shoulder. "Of course you would not. But that doesn't mean I don't have to do this for you, especially now when I am able."

"Yet still, _thank you_."

"Enough thanking, Zi Wei. Go home and tell Er Kang about it, because I haven't mentioned it to him either, not before I could speak to you."

That was how, eventually, over two-and-a-half decades after the emperor Qian Long made the promise to Xia Yu He to bring her back to Beijing and bring her into the palace, she was finally posthumously granted, and added to the imperial records with, the title of Chang Fei (昌妃).

* * *

As An Ran sat in a room in Xue Shi Fu, and watched as the numerous servants bustled around with the preparations that would take her back to the palace, she still could not quite believe how much things have changed in the span of so few days.

When the news was brought to her at Hui Bin Lou by Er Kang, An Ran found herself caught up in a flurry of confusing grief. She had always known it would still hurt if she ever did have to mourn him. She knew the grief would come and sincerely. It did not lessen the shock of the strength with which it came.

So this was how their nearly thirty years of marriage would end. She had not seen him eighteen years, and they were now separated forever without even a chance for a goodbye, or any sort of closure to their always-poisonous, destructive relationship. It was unlikely that even in the afterlife, if there was such thing, they would ever meet. She supposed, even then, he would go out of his way to avoid her, too.

She wept for the loss of him, but in many strange ways, she also wept in relief. It was not relief in the life that ended, but in the release it brought her. She supposed, in some way, he, too, was released from her, more permanently than ever. It was almost ridiculous that only in death could they stop bringing pain to each other.

Later, Yong Qi came to see her, though Heaven knew how he found the time, and told her that one of Huang Shang's last wishes spoken to Yong Qi was to ask him to give An Ran all the honours and recognition she could not receive in Huang Shang's life time.

She didn't know what prompted Huang Shang to finally say such things to Yong Qi. Perhaps she should allow herself to be comforted that in his last moments, he thought of her at all. Still, the years had taught her, that most likely, it was more consideration for Yong Qi than for her that prompted such words. It did not hurt, however, because at least, it meant that Yong Qi mattered to him, in more ways than just as a capable heir. He had cared enough about Yong Qi's peace of mind that he gave such approval for whatever Yong Qi felt he needed to do for An Ran. It was, perhaps, enough that after all these years, Huang Shang had done the one thing An Ran had ever asked of him – to love Yong Qi, to care for Yong Qi, to appreciate Yong Qi for who he was.

An Ran suspected that Yong Qi had gone out of his way to come to speak to her himself because he knew too well that even now, when her son sat on the throne and held everything in his hands, the idea of returning the palace was still a terrifying prospect to her. The consequences of Huang Shang's passing and what it meant for her son was not exactly a shock to An Ran; it had been the coming-on of a few years now. At the same time, she never dared think about what it would really mean before. If she did, she supposed she should have known that he would not be content to let her stay away from her rightful position now. He had only barely accepted her exile before because he could not do anything to change it. Now, he would bring her back in all the honour and glory that was her due.

There was only really one feeling that she truly rejoiced in amidst all the changes that were going on. It was the pride of what Yong Qi had achieved. It was a testament to his acumen that despite how little Huang Shang cared for her, he still held Yong Qi in such high esteem and allowed him to reach this position, above all other sons who boasted higher-ranking mothers from more prominent families that wielded considerable influence. Some men derived power from his wives' connections too, but until Zhu Ying came along, both Xiao Yan Zi and Zhi Hua provided little political support. That he stood where he stood now was all due to his own merits.

She wondered if she would still so rejoice and appreciate it quite as much, if she had been basked in luxury all this time, and had been allowed to take it for granted that a future like this was _possible. _Surely, there would still be joy and pride, but it would perhaps never be to this extent. She appreciated it all more because she once had been sunk in such despair that she didn't think she would ever get out of.

The world was hurling into a spiral of dizzying changes, however, and she could not deny their effects on her even if she wished. She did not exactly _fear _the changes, but it was also impossible to refrain from the nervousness. Yet it could not possibly change for her as much as it had changed for her son, and perhaps, in many ways, she owed it to him to be there for him to face this whole new world that now was his. In this new era where every single person in this entire empire would be obliged to bring him up to the highest pedestal, she knew he would need her as much as he would need Xiao Yan Zi and his other friends' undoubted unwavering belief and support.

So when it came down to the moments that mattered, she listened as Fu Er Kang executed one of her son's first imperial decrees, declaring her as Empress Dowager. She put on the costumes of riches that she had shed for so long, that she had forgotten what they felt like, yet she knew better of their true value now precisely because of that.

Perhaps she never dared dream of this when he was born. Perhaps the only thing she hoped for then, was a life for the two of them as peaceful as her name, without this burden of power. Her life, and that of her son, by extension, however, had never ever managed to live up to it, and she did not expect it to, now, not when the burden of power was his. Things were different now and so were her expectations. Yet, despite it all, there was one thing she knew, and she hoped he knew as well:

This world that was now his, was vast, but he could walk the breadth and length of his empire in his journey to create a golden age in his name, yet he could never cross the edge and end of her love for him. It was all encompassing, and was a mother's love that would never change, no matter how much his world has changed.

**- End -**

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_A/N: This is the end of this story, which is An Ran's story more than most, and is also a story that I have wanted to tell for a long time. _

_I will continue with Let the Years Sculpture Our Love, but don't expect that too soon. This story mutated into three times its original size and frankly was emotionally draining, so I need a break._

_Thank you so much for reading and commenting. _


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